How can I live with these strict and overprotective parents?

I'm 16 years old, living with strict, overprotective immigrant asian parents. They are very strict with me and rarely allow me freedom, only wanting me to study. I have no social life at all and the only friend I have moved away a few years back in middle school. I have 'semi-friends' in high school but they don't take me seriously. And I'm not allowed to have a job. My parents have already set down plans that I am to study and graduate college, and after that will I only be able to enter a relationship. They never allow me to go outside somewhere alone, and never allow me to go with a boy, only with girls. I understand they don't want me going with boys because they think we'll do inappropriate stuff. The only freedom I ever get is on the internet. My parents are computer illiterate and don't know how to use the computer, so I don't have to have them watching me all the time. My family is poor and recently my mother had a mental breakdown, so she has to stay at home with me. When I come home from school, she always searches my backpack without permission and it angers me, like I cannot be trusted although I've always tried to be a good daughter. Also I'm into anime somewhat and interested in cosplay, which is the act of dressing up as another character and there are conventions for such people around. I love to sew and my main ambition is fashion designing. I was interested in doing this myself, but my father simply dismissed it as nonsense saying I needed to focus on my studies instead, even though my grades are fine. When I mentioned to him about the conventions he gave me a sharp no. I am just angered that I cannot pursue my interests. If I try to reason with him and make compromises, he'll get really angry. When he gets angry, he tends to do stuff without thinking, and will even hit me. Typically after beating me, he'll calm down and apologize as if it never happened. Because of this I am afraid to stand up to him about anything. He's the kind of man who seems to have a superiority complex to women and likes ordering my mother around. Another problem is that my family is Christian and I am expected to be like one too, but honestly I cannot believe in God. I'm actually a closet bisexual and I accept the fact that I am attracted to girls too, but if I should ever tell my parents, they would probably go to the extent of disowning me, or send me to a psychiatrist or something like that. Because of all of this I feel stressed and I am thinking that I am depressed also. I've been going through all of this my whole life and I just feel like I'm ready to burst, even having subtle thoughts of suicide. I even broke in tears a couple of days ago and my mom just told me to shut up and stop. How should I deal with this kind of life?

oh my goodness this sounds horrible. Fist of all do not make suicide an option. There are so many more things in life that you have yet to experience and suicide is not a good way out. I do agree that your parents are too stricts and they need to back up quiet a bit. Searching your bag everyday and crushing your dreams only shows that they do not care about how you feel but rather focus on vringing you up the way that they want you to be.. which is basically like a robot! Honestly, going to school for something that you do not want to do and being stuck in a career where you are miserable your whole life is simply not worth it. Also, you are 16, this is supposed to be the best time of your life where you should hang out wih your friends and start dating and do all the things that a teenager should do while maintaining decent grades.. which you already do. The fact that your dad hits you is NOT ok. If he continues to do it,call child services (but do consider this decision thouroughly first). Okay so what should you do? Well you can try talking to them. It seems that in your case this wouldn't work but why don't you just tell them that this is your life and you know that you are a good person and that you can make the right decision and that you do not want to live a life that was set out for you by them. Tell them that they are making you unhappy and it is because of them that you do not have friends or a life outside of your house. The worse that they can do to you is hit you, which is completely unacceptable but it's not like they can ground you (seeing h0w you can't even go out anywhere!). What I would do it just act mature and mock them even. Tell them all the things that you always wanted to and how they are bad parents and then if they get really mad just say 'Oh what you are going to hit me now? Been there done that.. do it come on prove me right on everything I have just said and keep in mind everything that you've been doing to me through my whole life and everything that you are going to continue to do will f*ck me up more and more.' Just be strong, laugh in their face when they are being a**holes. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself because if you let them opress you like this then you will end up living your life the way they want you to and not the way you want to. Although I am not telling you to do these things it is one option. You should learn to do something for yourself. Your parents are forcing you to do things that you do not want to and you never knew what it is like to do something for yourself. Once you achieve that freedom you will learn what life is really about and begin to enjoy it. Do you maybe have an older brother or sister you could move in with to get away from your parents for a while? Thats another option. Just stay strong sweetie, don't let them cotorl your life to such a great extent. You are still young but not that young that they can do this to you. Please do not think about suicide. I don't know if any of this helped but I hope you took the time to read this. Please also do not hesitate to mail me if you want to talk about some things. I hope you feel better.

I'm not considering suicide an option, it just appears in my thoughts subtly. Also I'm an only child, and I have no other relatives living near. Also my dad only hits me whenever he is really angry and I challenge his authority too much, though I think it's wrong too. Once I do, we get into a big argument and he would always end up winning no matter what I say, like getting the final say in things. My mother can do little to change the situation. I've tried to convince my father many times to let me take control of my life because I am responsible enough, but I understand he wants me to really succeed at the same time because of the hard life he and my mother had years ago before coming into the US. I just considered waiting out until I hit 18 and break away from their control, no matter what they say. But I'm not sure if I can retain my sanity until then. I'll be starting my Senior year soon and they have very high expectations from me.

Hi. I understand your whole situation because I was in the same lifestyle until I was 21. I just had to rebel and move out at the time with my boyfriend (ended up in divorce after marriage). Please don't move in with a guy like I did. Yes keep a plan for yourself. Your parents think they are doing it all for your own good. I understand that oh so well. They don't seem to understand you have your own personal need for space and a career that you would love. I can only say keep going online. Draw if you can to get away from all of that. I used to stay in my room a lot and just listen to music, sing a little, exercise, read really good books. Tell them to take you to the library if they don't trust where you are going. I wish I had a computer back in those times. Anyway. Yes concider moving out at 18 and they may feel like disowning you which will be very painful at first but this is your freedom we are talking about. I had my dad go through my personal stuff sometimes too and listen to my phone calls. I was living in a jail. I am sure you can make it on your own or with roommates. You will learn a lot about financial responsibilities and you will be responsible for your own meals and shopping for them and keeping yourself dressed. Budgetting will be key. Boy you will learn so much from moving out. Scary but good for you.

Hello Reina, sorry to hear about the way things are going. I think BillietBee`s advice is good, next time your parents do something stupid, tell them exactly what you think of them. Remember, your parents cannot control you, all they can do is make life suck until you do what they say. So if they`re already making life bad, all they can do is make it a little worse. You said you dont have any real friends, so you might also want to consider taking out two or three months to make some, in part for both physical and mental protection. That in mind this may seem like strange advice but you might want to make friends with someone who enjoy to drink blood (theres a reason believe it or not! haha). Obviously particular things often atract particular personalitys, it seems to me that most people who enjoy drinking blood are of a particular personality type that is VERY protective of their friends, and can read people well. If you make friends with them and really care about them they can tell and they`ll love you for it, care about and cared about by someone like that and if you father lay a fingure on you, he may not have that fingure much longer. I think thats all I can really say right now I`ll have to talk to you more to tell you more. Hope I`ve helped! and I`d love to help more if you can use some.

With (sometimes a bit too much) Love - Joseph the Joking Jester

hey I've been in the exact same situation since I've been out of the womb, and im a guy. I went through the same dark, depressing phases you're describing and they intensified because the older I got, the more successful and mature I became, the more they became protective of this success...so it hasn't gotten any better even as I've established myself more and more as a person in accordance with their material standards. I graduated first out my high school class, was a three year letterman and captain of my vball team, won writing competitions, got above an A- average through college and graduated with high honors...now, im getting ready to enter grad school and my parents' view of me still hasn't changed. however, I can tell you this: in high school, sports and writing were my savior, my only opening to the outside world, and the only 'life' I had...and college, well I had to come home every single weekend, but those were the best years of my life. some advice, if they make you stay near, stay near but beyond the commuting range, I think that would make you cry yourself to sleep every night. college is something to look forward to, it can be the most amazing experience in spite of the restictions(other ways I was on a leash: direct phone line to my dorm and apt, random calling, they'd check who I was calling on the cell phone bill each mth)...but I managed and have come away with genuine, great friendships, a couple relationships(those those failed because of the restictions, thats a tough one), and success.

I have to warn you though, you have to listen to yourself before you make the next moves in your life, each and every minute. don't listen too closely to those who sympathize with your plight but can't empathize, because that is pretty much everyone. most people can't fathom this kind of life and will think you're a coward in a way. but my point is...if you choose to break with your parents, you know that is going to be a huge deal and its going to take a lot of healing time, and the biggest thing is you're going to be on you're own. maybe you can get on by yourself, but you're going to be risking your whole future because of it. if you stay on as is, you'll feel you're compromising your ideals and your integrity as you get older for the sake of family peace, security, discipline, and ultimately, success. of course, you can try to get the best of both worlds, but like I said, really really think before you make your next move. if you struggle too much with your personal life, this may f*** up your grades...id say, keep the grades a constant priority and then deal with the rest of your life as you wish.

me? my plan is to complete grad school, then when I feel secure enough, hopefully six mnths after graduation, I will move out on my own, no stopping me. I need the several months to make sure I have some money in my account(student loans will be overwhelming). my undergrad days weren't ridic crazy, they could have been crazier, but first of all im not a crazy person and I don't compromise my own ideals for the sake of rebellion...looking back though, I developed and made(maybe not the most) A LOT of my days the last few years, I really enjoyed them and myself. so don't think you have to decide whether to jump ship or not just yet, as you go on to bigger and better things there will be a greater degree of freedom for you to enjoy(but still a crazy life when seen by others).

study hard at school and just handle your parents its not for much longer. study hard and get a good job and pay so you can move out. its only for a few ,more years then you have your whole life ahead of you.

I was in the same situation even while in college. I graduated 15 years ago, have a wonderful husband and 2 wonderful kids, but still go through depression about it. My father was extremely abusive (physically, emotionally, verbally) on top of being controlling, invasive, and possessive. All I can say is that you WILL get through it. Also, one piece of advice: you may have a tendency to let loose and enjoy newfound freedom in college, but don't screw up your grades like I did.

it's like you stole my life story! that's the SAME thing I'm going through right now. my parents are also asian immigrants. they will NEVER give me any freedom. it's like they're controlling my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE! I'm sick and tired of it..and I DID confront it my mom..but nothing worked out. she said that as asians..we are different from americans..and we don't have the rules like americans do. I'm not even supposed to talk to boys, I can't put on any make-up, I can't sleep over, I can't even freakin go to the movies without adult supervisor! I am sick and tired of my parents..they are WAYY too overprotective. my dad is EXACTLY like yours..everytime I try getting him to change his ways...his anger ALWAYS raises..he always threatens, and even hits me. it's really scary when he does that. so, I don't even bother talking to him anymore. I feel like my life is really breaking apart. my parents can't get off my back. every time I try hanging out with my friends, they try to stop me somehow. just today, I planned to go to the movies with my friend. no adult was coming with us, and my parents said we couldn't go. they said I wouldn't understand anything, that I'll only understand when I grow older. I want to be a normal kid. I could go on and on about how they disapoint me. but then, I'd be going all day typing. yes, me and you have a lot in common. I don't even know you, but it feels like we have the same life..the same parents. I'm depressed, and I definately have thoughts of suicide. sometimes, I wonder if being asian is the blame...

Oh wow...
I'm only 13 but I'm actually reading through this for an essay on overprotective parents. I bet you could understand why I chose that topic...Anyways, I feel exactly the same way as you. I even dress depressed. (Lol?) I'm also Asian to some extent, but not that type of Asian. I'm originally from Pakistan although I've been brought up in the U.S. I can't really explain my restrictions because they're exactly the same as yours. My only life is my life at school where I can talk to my friends. I /never/ leave the house to go out with friends. I maintained a steady average of an A since I was in kindergarten, but it all fell apart in grade 5. I know that my parents are the reason my grades have dropped. I still get mostly Bs but of course it's not good enough. I would be a much better student if I didn't have to concentrate every second on spending as much time as possible /talking/ to someone. I do plan to move out as soon as possible. Although I'm only thirteen years old, I've heard that I give advice like a wise old lady. I have to say that you should think extremely hard about breaking your relationship with your parents. I believe that moving out is a better option than calling for some sort of kid's help like someone suggested, because this can actually land you in a foster home. Just keep yourself busy while at home. I'm also a fan of anime. Keep drawing, read, listen to music, write poetry or something. Maybe even write a novel of your life, it might even keep you busy for a year. But /never/ consider suicide as an option. Hey, I think about it all the time but I'm not going to do it. Just keep being arrogant and rude, and someday they'll give up. That's what I'm trying out now.
Best of luck...
Rida.

It is for your own good! =D