Need help with soon to be mother in law

I am 21 years. old and will soon get married June of 2006. I have a wonderful relationship with my fiance and I also thought I had a great relationship with his mother. I recently had a problem with my fiance and I spoke to his mother not as a soon to be daughter in law but as woman to woman. I was not asking for advice but if she wanted to offer that was fine with me. I just thought that since she was once in a similar situation, she could maybe help me a little. Little did I know that the next day she went behind my back and told my fiance everything I told her. Because of that, the problem my fiance and I had got even bigger. We are better now, but I can't see or speak to her because of how angrey I am with her. and now my fiance gets upset when I don't want to go to his parents house. What should I do? I can't speak to her because I know she would tell my fiance that I am upset. And I can't speak to my fiance because he says his mother is always right. I just wanted to have a close relationship with my soon to be mother-in-law. is that too much to ask for? Please help me, I have no one else to talk to.

YOur mother-in-law is not your friend. You can be friendly with her but not real close friends. The problems you have with your love are between you and him. Don't involve your girlfriends, sisters, etc... If you have a problem with him tell him. TAlk to him. Explain things to him. Your relationship is special with him. Your mother in law is your man's MOM. SHe is be his first love. She will protect him and love him in a different way. When you become one a man and woman leave their mother's and become their own family. You have to leave her our of your new family. Visit your mother-in-law. Talk about the weather, the new TV show about what she likes but NOT, Never, never about your personal life with her child. Good luck.

Everything jane said is right. And you will have to reconcile with her because lets face it, you will have to face her for the rest of your life. Either you two can stay mad and make family time a living hell or you can make up and make family time special. When you get married you don't just marry your spouse. You marry their whole family as well.

Dear Bride To Be,

First of all, Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! Also, congratulations on having a wonderful relationship with your fiance. Instead of talking out issues involving your relationship with another person, it's best to try to resolve relationship problems directly with your fiance. If you can't talk to him now in the bloom of almost wedded bliss, you're going to have serious problems down the road. I suggest pre marital counseling to remove all roadblocks to clear and heartfelt communication between you and your fiance. You shouldn't have to go to an outside source to seek resolution for your feelings about your relationship. The mistake you made in going to your mother in law for this need, was entirely understandable, you acted a little prematurely, but it was a natural assumption to think she'd be a good person to talk to about him, and speaks to your good nature to attempt to bond with your new mother in law. In the future you will know that you cannot confide in her and expect her to keep it to herself, and realise that essentially she is on his side and always will be, and furthermore she is not very interested in having a close, confidential relationship with you and made no attempts at hiding her feelings. Treat her as an acquaintance, a polite family acquaintance. Her allegiance is to him, and her relationship with him. Perhaps the next time you or she calls eachother's home, you can politely and in a restrained manner bring up your feelings about her telling him about your conversation. Maybe you can start a pleasant conversation, about a member of the family, or a family event, or a family relationship, or somehow segway about family communication, and then say, something like " you know, it did bother me when you told (fiance's name here), about our conversation, and it all worked out because it made me realise I should have just been talking to him in the first place, but that did hurt my feelings" It sounds like you have real feelings of anger and betrayal about this, and you may very well need to communicate that with her. Don't worry about ruining your relationship with her because she obviously didn't care about ruining it in the first place. If she's a distant ice-witch type of person, then that's fine, tell her your feelings, usually people like that will stomp all over someone who's nice, but will respect someone who's tough and stands up for themselves. Always be wary of her, always, she's backstabbing, manipulative, sneaky and doesn't really care about you, and/or cares more about her son and her relationship with him than the primary relationshp of his life, which is with you his future wife. Keep her at arms length, beware of confiding in her daughters, sisters and other close relatives of hers because they're probably just like her, and will probably jump at the chance to talk about someone behind their back. So be nice, be polite, be kind, be a good wife, mother and person, but always keep her at arms length, she sounds like trouble. But again, Congratulations on finding a wonderful man, and explain to him that his primary relationship in his life, is with YOU, not his mother, because soon, you'll be the mother and she'll be the grandma, the relationship here is between you two, not him and her, and if he wants it to be with her, then you can go find a man who is more able to cut the apron strings. Good Luck Honey, you're going to be fine.

Sincerely, Katrina Kinhelp

Do what I do. Act polite, be cordial and make idle small-talk. My MIL has hated me from the off and consequently I do not trust her, nor like her.

I put up with her for DH's sake, but she knows that we will never get along. Just act friendly to everyone else in the family and try to ignore her as much as possible - and don;t give any information away when she's about!