Help me please, i dont know who i am

Ok, this question could sound dum and stupid but its kind of hard to put my feelings into words, I'll try but dont be annoyed by what I say, you may just misunderstand because I cant put it into words easily.

Right well I feel like my mind, my...

personality is driving me crazy. I feel...vwell im not sure, tbh im not sure who I am. It like at times im someone who tries desperately to be loved like my friends. I dress in pretty things, skirts, strapless tops e.t.c. I go to school discos and try my hardest to be popular. My personality at those times is chatty and friendly. I just want to be like everyone else, but kinda better, if ya know what I mean.
Then when it doesnt work and im feeling down I am someone else, someone who has decided life isnt worth living, I hardly eat or sleep and dont concentrate much. I feel snappy and irritated because my world seems black. I think theres no ppint in life at all, which there isnt, I think that I mite as well get on with life then die, mite aswell go to school, get a job, earn money, live, get old, retire, die! At these times its like I dont have a path in life, no personality. I just dont... I cant describe it well but... I just... Nothing for the future, everything worthless.

Then theres the bit of me that wants to be how I used to be but more extreme. I want to be reckless, stupid but brave and strong. I want to learn to run fast and be different from everyone. I want to be special. I want to be myself, shy and withdrawn, but have a few friends I can confide in. I wear what I feel like, love reading, have secrets, keep to myself a lot, but those who know me well think I am... I dunno but seem shy but really be adventureous.

But I feel embarassed being like that, at the moment I dont have a personality I am a bit like the second way I described because I dont suceed in being a girley girl or different, I chicken out and try to blend in, like im not there, I dont want people to notice me for anything bad. At the moment I dont have a soul I think, no personality I am like an unwritten book, nothing, empty. I dont know what to do, what to be. Please dont tell me to be myself because I no longer know what myself is because I am always pretending to be something different, maybe I am one of the things I pretend to be I dont know! I feel so worthless. Can I be different? Can I find who I really am?

I dont reallly know why I am typing this, I suppose I just wanted to try and work it out by writing it down, I just ... Cant stand it. I cant stand it so much that today I did something I shouldnt of, I thought wot would happen if I didnt exist, then what if I dodnt exsist tomorrow or the day after or ever, what would happen. I reliased people would cry and be sad and hurt but they would gradually forget and then die and no one would remember and would be... Less than nothing. I just dont what to do anymore? How to live.
I cant write anymore, I feel like my insides are tearing out

Help.

Aww hunni,

This must be a really hard time for you right nowbut hang in there your just finding out who you really are. Everyone goes through this and everyone gets confused . They may think they're one thing but turn out to be completely the opposite. I wanted to fit in with everyone at school and slapped on the make-up listened to the right music and wore the short skirts with the revealing tops but then I realised that I was completly different , I happened to like being able to walk out of the house with next to no make-up on, being able to have my own oppinion and listening to the music I liked without tying myself down to one stereotype. I tried so hard to please other people when at this moment in time you need to think of yourself. What makes you happy ? What you enjoy doing. Just be who you want to be at the end of the day and life will be a much happier place to live in . I know you talk about life having no meaning to it and just a boring pattern and being like an unwritten book. Fill that book with all the things you want to do in life, Fill in that boring pattern with the life you want to live and just know that you're not alone =].
hope this helped hun and good luck with filling in that book. x

ok I know what you're going through
I went through it not too long ago
im kinda going through it now but im
finding who I am.
you just need to do things that you're
drawn to. dont try to please anyone but
yourself, so many people told me that
and I didn't understand it till I actually
tried. you just need to be honest with
yourself and ask yourself what you like
to do and who you like and your style
or whatever, I mean you just need to
look inside yourself and find the inner
YOU!

I hope I helped

this is going to sound cheesy, but you are, and can be, who you want to be.

How to live... Run. Think. Live. Write. Don't try to be popular. Trust me, This'll sound off, but if you see it from a low-life's view (like me), you'll see it's not what its cut out to be. Popular people... after school, they are nothings. Take along a skill that you can cherish, not oh my lord I love your shoes / Jenny, did you hear that Alex did Jasmine!?

Run,
Zinc