Good quotes

I need some good quotes to put in my profile... Preferably funny/love quotes. Anyone have any?

yesterday is history.. tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift.. that's why its called present..

its from kung fu panda.. its actually not a funny/love quote but I just love the way it describes life..

I like the quote from Judge Judy Bueaty fades, dumb lasts forever!

Sorry - couldnt bother to edit the list, but have fun (funmail me if you want love quotes)

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”
- Herm Albright

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
- Shawn Alexander

A cynic smells the flowers and then looks for the casket.
- Anonymous

“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.”
- Anonymous

A man once told me, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.'
So I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse.
- Anonymous

“An answer to that nagging question... I let the dogs out.”
- Anonymous

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
- Anonymous

“Bacteria: the only culture some people have.”
- Anonymous

“Beauregard's Law: ‘When you’re up to your nose, keep your mouth shut’.”
- Anonymous

“Can’t learn about love in a classroom, the dorms maybe…”
- Anonymous

Dogs believe they are human.
Cats believe they are God.
- Anonymous

“Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.”
- Anonymous

“Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”
- Anonymous

“Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Anonymous

“Heaven won't have me and hells afraid I'll take over!”
- Anonymous

“I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it.”
- Anonymous

“I don't wish him dead. But, should that occur... people die every day, why should he be any different?”
- Anonymous

“I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.”
- Anonymous

“I told him I loved him and the feelings were mutual...He loved himself too.”
- Anonymous

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
- Anonymous

“I’m not guilty, I’m just not innocent.”
- Anonymous

“I'm not smiling at you, I'm trying not to laugh”
- Anonymous

“If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried”
- Anonymous

If G~d had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.
- Anonymous

If only I could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment, without having to accomplish anything.
- Anonymous

“It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it.”
- Anonymous

“It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it!”
- Anonymous

“It's only funny until someone gets hurt...
Then it's hilarious.”
- Anonymous

“Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.”
- Anonymous

“Mr. Right's coming. But he's in Africa... and he's walking.”
- Anonymous

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool...
- Anonymous

“Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.”
- Anonymous

“One day my prince will come - he just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions!”
- Anonymous

“People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.”
- Anonymous

Pride is something we have. Vanity is something others have.
- Anonymous

“Some artists work in oils, others work with clay. I prefer Jello.”
- Anonymous

“Some people are alive simply because it’s against the law to kill them”
- Anonymous

Some people are like Slinkies...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face
when you push them down a flight of stairs.
- Anonymous

“Sometimes I need what only you can provide - your absence.”
- Ashleigh Brilliant

“That money talks I don't deny... I just heard mine yell: Goodbye.”
- Anonymous

“The only fool bigger than the one who thinks he knows it all is the one who argues with him.”
- Anonymous

“Those of you who think you're cute and funny are irritating those of us who really are.”
- Anonymous

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
- Anonymous

We must believe in free will. We have no choice.
- Anonymous

“When life has you down and you feel like the whole world is after you, keep your chin up...it gives them something to aim at.”
- Anonymous

“Who laughs last, thinks the slowest.”
- Anonymous

“Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.”
- Anonymous

Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.
- Anonymous

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.
- Anonymous

“Your village just called, their missing their idiot!”
- Anonymous

“I got a simple rule about everybody. If you don’t treat me right – shame on you.”
- Louis Armstrong

“Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.”
- Ambrose Bierce ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
- Elaine Boosler

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

“I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time.”
- Charlie Brown

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘this is going to take more than one night.’”
- Charlie Brown

“If a person drinks much from a bottle marked poison, it’s almost certain to disagree with one sooner or later.”
- Lewis Carroll ‘Alice in Wonderland’

“If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.”
- Dick Cavett

“The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.”
- William Clayton

“None are so fond of secrets as those who do not mean to keep them.”
- C.C. Colton

“Gossip is that which no one claims to like - but everybody enjoys.”
- Joseph Conrad

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
- Benjamin Disraeali

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity”
Albert Einstein

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
- Bob Ettinger

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
- W. C. Fields

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
- Robert Frost

“Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.”
- Robert C. Gallagher

A hospital is no place to be sick.
- Samuel Goldwyn

“Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.”
- Jason Hutchison

You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you Mad.
- Aldous Huxley

“I wanted to memorize his face so I could avoid him for the rest of my life.”
- Michael Jensen ‘Frontiers’

“I think bad taste should be a felony.”
- Margo Kaufman

“Guilt is a great motivator.”
- Jonathon Kellerman ‘Bad Love’

“I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.”
- Rudyard Kipling

“Atlas isn't carrying the world on his shoulders, no giant muscular hulk with a sense of responsibility; the world is balanced on a pyramid of clowns, and they are always tooting horns and wobbling and goosing each other.”
- Dean Koontz ‘Winter Moon’

Of course, there are questions that plague all of us. How did we get here? What happens when we die? Is there a heaven? Am I on the list? Who let the dogs out?
- Bill Maher

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx

“Mona's Law: You can have a hot job, a hot lover, and a hot apartment. But you can't have all three at the same time.”
- Armisted Maupin ‘More Tales of the City’

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
- H. L. Mencken

I'm not going to change who I am for other people. Like me for who I am now, or don't like me. And if you can't like me for who I am now, then you can just go to hell.
- Craig Miller

Let's just say I was testing the bounds of society. I was just curious.
- Jim Morrison

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
- Phil Pastore

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
- Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- Emo Phillips

How long does getting thin take?
- Pooh Bear

“Hell was no doubt an immense waiting room before an ominous appointment to which one was never called.”
- Paul Russell ‘ The Coming Storm’

“I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.”
- Charles Schulz ‘Peanuts’

Make anyone cry today?
Sadly, no, but it's only 4:30.
- Kat Stratford ‘10 Things I Hate About You’

“If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.”
- Thomas Szasz

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
- Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower

The difference between news and gossip lies in whether you raise your voice or lower it.”
- The Wall Street Journal

“In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said ‘Let there be light', and there was still nothing, but you could see It.”
- Dave Thomas

“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain

“They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.”
- Mark Twain

A secret is what you tell someone else not to tell because you can't keep it to yourself.”
- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
- Steven Wright

If they know nothing of victory, then at least they are spared the knowledge of defeat
- Oscar Wilde

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- Steven Wright

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- Naido Xavier

“Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.”
- Frank Zappa

winner ,winner ,chicken dinner!

Happiness is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel its warmth

I'm a one horse kinda cowboy