Family-in-law crisis

Ok… here is the situation!!! Joe (my boyfriend) and I have been dating for quite a few years now, we are very happy, but there is always drama when it comes to his family!

I was in Joe’s sisters wedding, I was her maid-of-honor to be exact, and I started to notice that anything I would ask her she would get defensive and weird, she would never communicate with me and we became distant! When I wanted to talk to her about it she would make excuses and not talk to me! Finally we had a blow out! She told me the truth that she doesn’t care about me; she was just tolerating me because she wanted to speak to Joe and she though that I would get in the way of that! I don't know why she would think of something that stupid considering Joe is a grown man (27 years old) and makes his own decisions! I would never hold him back from his family; even if they hated me… they are still his family!

She decided that I will not be in the wedding at all, actually she said in exact words “I do not want to see your f*cking face at my bridal shower (which I was paying ½ for) and my wedding”! Then she said the most immature statement I heard a 22 year old ever say, she said that “my friends will beat you up if they see you there, they are loyal to me”!! I was like what the f*ck are you talking about, just because we didn’t work out personality wise doesn’t mean that we are enemies, not that I would have any one beat up anyone if we were, you just move on you know!

But anyway we had a pointless family meeting the next day after this whole blow out and nothing has changed she was just calling me a b*tch and rambling on about how much of a b*tch I am and how she doesn’t want to see me by her and whatever else!

Now Joe wants me to go to this wedding with him! He says I am being catty and immature and that if I don’t go it will be an embarrassment to him! I am like what the f*ck do I do now! His parents who are on her side are also saying I am immature and it will embarrass everyone if I do not come.. but the facts are that she doesn’t want to see me, she doesn’t like me at all, and I have way to much respect for myself then to take abuse like that form anyone, let alone someone not from my family!! So what should I do?? Help me.. should I go to the wedding of hell?? I know he will be going no matter what, but this entire situation is affecting my relationship, and this cannot happen any longer!!! HELP…

This is awful! Well Corrine, I would first sit down with Joe and his whole family, including the sister and get this sorted out. What is it that they don't like about you? And have Joe listen to each and every family member. It might not be as bad as you think. It could be a misunderstanding. You really need to sort this out. It seems like Joe really loves you and you feel the same so this is a test. Tough times will occur and this is the moment where you both have to work as a team to resolve issues. I really wish you the best of luck.

Thanks, yeah we did have a family meeting, and NOTHING was resolved, actually it just made everything worst, and everything was blamed on me… I kept on saying that I could handle the truth and it was ok, I want everyone to communicate and be honest and I truly want to know why all of them did not like me!!! They kept on changing the subject so after 2 hours of nothing but calling me a b*tch and not explaining why I just left!

What I forgot to add to this letter was the final reason to my decision as to Jessie not liking me AT ALL!!! I was telling her how much I cared about her and how hard I try to be in her life, I told her how I felt about her ignoring my calls and everything else that was bothering me, after I was done she started to laugh and she said “maybe you shouldn’t have tried so hard, there was a reason why I wasn’t!” I was completely calm at that moment and realized how malicious someone can truly be, I told her if that how you truly feel then this conversation is irrelevant and there is no point in me even trying to make any of this work, you heart isn’t into it! I said have a wonderful life and god bless you and hung up the phone.. mind you this phone call was at 1am!

The entire thing was ridiculous, I had physically gotten ill, I was very distraught and I felt that all of my trying was a waste! I had about 2 hours of sleep before I went to work and was so bothered by the whole thing that it was affecting everything in my life, I didn’t eat one thing and I kept to myself all day which is odd because I am very bubbly and happy all of the time! I finally gave up and realized we were just not the same person, I would NEVER try to hurt anyone the way that she hurt me... even if I hated them (although I never hated anyone my entire life, I feel that if you don’t work well together, personality wise, you move on and learned something from the experience)!

I don’t know what I should do because this is affecting my relationship with the man I love and is a very though situation! At this point I would like to just not speak to his family ever again, but I KNOW it will hurt him, and I love him too much to see that! Hopefully someone can help me! I know this is just another mountain to climb in this so-called life to make me stronger and prepare me for the future, but right now I am being thrown in WAY too many directions!! Thank you VERY much for your response and I hope to hear more from others and yourself!

I don't think Joe cares a whole lot about you or he would have stood up for you - Red Flag >> Joe wants me to go to this wedding with him! He says I am being catty and immature and that if I don’t go it will be an embarrassment to him! << - What is that ?

I agree. Why doesn't Joe do something? I mean he has to go far and beyond for the love of his life. I mean family is family, but if you two ever decide to get married, he will have to realize that now his family is you and especially if you have children. I'm so sorry Corrine, for all of this. Maybe you could go to the ceremony and possibly not attend the reception? Or maybe just send her a gift and maybe go out with your girlfriends to get your mind off of it. This verbal abuse is not good for you or your relationship with Joe. And the reason she tolerates you is to keep good communication with her brother does not justify the anger she is portraying. It's not fair. Sigh. I wish I knew of better suggestions but I just don't. I just hope Joe can speak to his family because ultimately, it is up to him. It's not your family making it difficult on you guys. My heart goes out to you.

Wow. It will take tremendous courage, civilty and class for you to go to this wedding and pretend none of this happened. You will be the better person for it. Your sister in law has said some terrible things to you. But if you can handle this, then do go with Joe and show him that you can be above all the childish fights that his sister is trying to instigate.

But please do take her aside and tell her you will be attending her wedding for Joe's sake, because he has begged you to accompany him.

Hold you head high, and wish the bride well. After the wedding, have a good chat with Joe and ask him what the hell is going on with his family.

He does stick up for me, but he is some what torn... he is not sure what to do.. He understands both sides and of course he is on mine, but sometimes he gets frustrated with the whole things and doesn’t really know what to say or do! Thanks everyone for you help, I would like to hear more answers of course, but so far you guys have helped me out a lot! So thank you!

Go to the wedding. That way no one can call you "immature" for not going. If his sister comes up to you screaming or if her "loyal friends" are going to "kick your a$$," it's most likely going to cause a scene, ruining her wedding. Then everyone will see who the true immature b*tch really is.
And slap your boy across the face. He should be defending you not siding against you. Tell him to grab his balls and stand up to his little 22 year old sister and tell her that if you're not going, he's not going.
I would never let any member of my family talk to my boyfriend that way and you shouldn't be hearing it either. You sound like a kind person who has a good head on her shoulders. Keep your chin up and just bear the wedding. Either way, you'll come out looking good. F*ck his sister. She's being a bridezilla.

Sorry, I'm PMSing big time can you tell?

No No No... That was great... You added some spunk to the answer.. lol! Yeah I think I am going to go to the wedding (to support my pretty much husband), I just don’t want to act like I am giving in so easily! I am NOT going to the bridal shower though, I would like to prove some point, even if it does supposedly make me look immature, it’s what I feel is right... I have more respect for myself then to let anyone walk all over me the way she did! But thanks for the response… and kick some a$$! You seem to have a great personality, and you to have some spunk… that’s something great to have!

Hey corrie, I must say that... that is a very though though situation you are in. But you know what? The LIFE or, better yet say...the love is between you and joe. You both love each other. I understand that family is always on our side, nothing will take the place for our family. But, again the LOVE is only between you and joe. And I must add this, As Dr. Phil said, whatever or however our family think or feel about the person that we chose to love or to share our life together and if they have problem, that's where you know that person (in your case, joe) truly love us by steping in and stand by your side slove that problem. Let them know that YOU whom HE loves and want to share his life with. He will STAND UP FOR YOU! I know it's not easy, but if love is truly what you have for each other, family can not break it.