How can I stop my destructive, bulimic lifestyle?

Hi, I'm Dani. I have a boyfriend. I'm 15. I'm 5'6' and at 130lbs. I'm very scared. I think I may be addicted to a bulimic lifestyle, that I hate. It's almost been four months since it started, not a long time I know but I'm afraid I'll end up dead if I don't stop before it's too late. I spend the majority of my day excersizing, excessively. Six hundred to a thousand sit ups, push ups, crunches, leg lifts, and squats. Two miles a day running, & about an hour of jump rope watching T.V. at the same time. When it comes to eating.. I started myself on a strict diet, 400 calories a day. I know it was drastic, but I felt it would get me to my goal faster, and to which it did for a while. I went from 172lbs. to my current. In a little less than four months. With this strict diet, my body began to crave.. starve, because I convinced my body not to eat at all for long periods of time, resulting with fatigue and really bad constipation. When the hunger pangs began to be too much to bare after days at a time without food, I binged. Big time! Granola bars, Candies, Burgers. But ti wasn't that it was a immense bounty of food, just enough to go over, those foods being my forbiden foods on my strict lettuce diet. As a result of my binges, I purged, one of two ways, usually one following the other, the classic finger down throat number and then close to twenty cups of water that made me vomit. Then I'd take nearly a pack of laxatives or a bottle of castor oil that helped me clean my system out, to feel that hunger pang again that I soon started to fall in love with. Laxatives and I became a pair. I bought them secretly every chance I got. Took them religiously every night and morning, I know it's real bad for my health and my excretion process but I continued in fear anyways. My boyfriend eventually found out.. and made me promise to discontinue the vomiting and laxative abuse. I kept my promise a good four minutes after it was made. I hated lying to him, decieving him, but I loved the results of my actions. I hated the fact I was being so weak to result in that, but it felt like the only way to preserve the result I had worked so hard for. It's still the same today. Unfortunately. My days proceeds as the following: Wake up, Highschool military practice, Come home and jump rope, and proceed with my calithetics. then take a break, continue with my calithetics, alternate between the computer and my excersize, until I finally get tired enough to crash. Meanwhile during all that, I'll break and binge and purge, or just eat a salad. I hate this. I want it to end, but I'm afraid of getting fat. I want to stay the way I am or maybe even lose some more weight.
Can anyone help me get over hating my body?

That's really great that you know your lifestyle is dangerous, potentially life threatening, and that you want to stop living this way. I would suggest getting some help. If you have a counselor you can talk to, do it. If not, tell your parents that you need help before this gets even more out of control. It sounds like it's already pretty extreme as it is.

You absolutely do not need to lose more weight. What you need to do right now is maintain your body weight. You should be eating a lot more than you already are. If you have a healthy diet, you will find that maintaining a healthy weight is very easy. Right now, you have to work a lot to lose weight because you are starving your body. When you starve your body, it naturally goes into starvation mode. Your metabolism slows down. Your body clings to everything you do eat because it does not know when it is going to get food again.

You should probably be eating somewhere around 1500-1700 calories a day, and that should be spread out in about six small meals. Eating small meals keeps your metabolism going. That way, your body will easily burn off what you eat instead of clinging to it and trying to store it away because your body will get used to the fact that things are ok and more food is on the way.

Not sure if you are still dealing with this, but I was bulimic for about 2 years, so I can empathize with what you're going through. One of my more lasting consequences is that the stomach acid dissolved the enamel on my teeth, and most of my teeth are rotting at the gumline. I didn't develop acid reflux, like some people do, but my digestive system will never be the same. Bulimia causes some serious damage that might not show up until years later. Your mouth and esophagus were not meant to have strong acidic environments, and the acid can burn through the tissue. That means your body will be constantly trying to repair itself, your immune system might become overburdened, and your internal organs will likely become inflamed. With all that stress on your system, plus the emotional stress you're feeling already, you can get sick and exhausted and depressed a lot easier. Laxative overuse messes up your intestines, and you can eventually become dependent on them, since your intestines will no longer work well.

I was able to pull myself out of that lifestyle, thankfully. I learned a lot from it. Your body is all you have in this lifetime. It's your home, and whether or not you choose to take care of it now will determine how long you have to enjoy it. I promise you that being healthy is much more important and enjoyable than putting yourself through this torture. It is torture, and it will enslave you and control you and depress you and poison you until you take charge of your life again. You likely think about your situation a LOT...just consider what you could do if you could apply that energy and effort to ANYthing else! The instruments you could play, the movies you could see...and whatever else you like to do.

I've become disgusted by the image of beauty that's been shoved down our throats for so long. That to be unhealthy and thin is better than to be healthy and average sized. It's just not worth the longterm consequences, believe me. Be proud of who you are and what you've been given!

Here's something that helped me. It's simple, but it gives you a different perspective.

Touch the back of your left hand with your right index finger. Very lightly, run your finger down your left hand from knuckle to wrist. Feel the texture of your skin, the way your muscles and bones move together. Do this a few times. Notice the veins, track them into your hand and down your arm if you can. Trace the lines in your left palm. This is YOU. You, alive, in the present. You, with attention on yourself. There is nothing more important.

Use the money you would have bought laxatives with, and buy some of your favorite body lotion instead. Or try a new one, it doesn't matter. Pick a night during the week, take a warm shower if you can, apply the lotion wherever you'd like, and massage it in to your skin. I know you may not be fond of your body, but don't avoid the parts you don't like. After you've massaged it all in, spread another layer of lotion over it and only massage it in halfway, so it's still a little slick. Drink a glass of water and go to bed early. You'll go to sleep with your favorite scent and wake up with soft skin, and you might feel at least a little better.

I know what your going through I live the bulimic life too. the only difference between you and I is I have 2 young kids and my 4 yr old watches me throw up. its horrible . my advice to you is try to think of all the other people in this world that have bigger problems like no food to buy for their families because they have no money and all the food your wasting in the toilet. it could probably feed kids in africa for a week. that always makes me stop and think. hope that helps.