when can I get my life back?

I use to be so happy and so full of joy that no one not even the devil can take away.In August thats when everything change you can say.My freshman year in highschool I meet this boy he was so different from the other boys in my past life.It was funny how we first meet it was like a dream come true are you can even say a fairy tale.I really never let any boy get to close to me the way I let him.Most boys would tell me[imma be your first]and like I told them no your not im gonna wait untill I know im ready.My mom always ways told me dont have sex just to be having sex do it because you want to.I always though I would do the right thing and wait till marriage.When I meet him it was like I know he was the one that I wanted to lose it too…We start talking and months went by and I could feel myself growing falling for him.Months went by and choose him to be my first it was amazing after that I loved him even more than before.He didnt act no different towards me like most boys would have done.Months went on and it seem like we was breaking slowly by day.And even day I would replay him in my head saying im not going no where.We break up getback together break up get back together.It became a routine I admit I’ve did somethings he did somethings that were wrong but at the end of the end we knew where home was.During the summer we broke up for good I was so hurt and in so much pain.Till this day I still havent slept with no one else besides him I lost his trust and its so hard to get it back he took a lot from me and I took a lot from him..I love him soo much he told me he love me the other night.I dont wanna go back with him but its like at the same time I cant let him him go I dont know what it is I miss him so much ..