What to make of these thoughts?

I had to read what you wrote several times because you appear to be a complex person in thoughts and emotions wherein your thoughts and emotions are not fully seperated from one another, but rather blended together and therefore don’t make much sense to you overall. The fact that what you wrote about happened in relationship to “choirs” that you sang in…would identify you as a person of the arts, of course of music. Musicians, moreso than other fields, will have a normal tendency to wear their emotions on their sleeves quite freely. That side of their brain which governs their emotions over their logical side of their brain is much stronger. Therefore, overall feelings of acceptance and rejection are greatly magnified in persons of the arts. In your speaking of them as female, and you as male, you seem to be in conflict with a concept that males cannot have emotional moments with friends as well. You seem to express happiness in knowing that other humans can express their emotions to each other freely without committments, but you struggle with the fact that as a guy, you feel you cannot. The happiness you express comes from seeing the sharing of emotions, but I feel that you have perhpas “mis-labeled” your other emotions. I think that you may be feeling “hurt” or maybe feel “left out” because you share those same emotions… and you may be expressing those feelings as “anger” and “jealousy”… when in effect, the feelings that you are expressing are actually feelings of “hurt” and feeling more “alone” with how you feel as a male. Being a person of the arts, it is totally “normal” to have those feelings because people of the arts will many times use those same feelings and channel them into their music and art to create some really wonderful works. What do I make of this? Well, I have a sneaking hunch that you may have sold yourself short and you may need to think a little further into your own emotional channels. It seems that you have stopped short by thinking that all of this is an interpersonal realtionship problem in communicating with other people, when, in essence, it is actually a very high artist form of your personality that is fighting to get out and express itself. I think that you might do well to think beyond the immediate situations that have frozen in your mind since high school and you should still look towards the arts or music to channel your emotional power. It will drive you to become quite successful in life. I am an arts person of 60+ years and I have learned over time that this is an untapped power within you that you need to put to use. Not everyone has what you have expressed and you should actually change your overall feelings now from “happiness and security” or “anger and jealousy” to feelings of gratefulness. You have a very rare gift. Think again, and don’t waste it, ok?