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How could I make this better?
Just any pointers or comments you have. Please? I’d really appreciate the honesty. (:
Insomnia
At night I lay awake, tossing and turning. No one really understands. But, deep down inside I’m burning. Too tired to sleep. Too awake to care. It’s an every night thing. My body is starting to ware. Hiding this pain is an easy thing to do. I’m used to hiding my feelings of you. You don’t even know, nor do you care. I tried telling you once. It was on a dare. Stumbling to your presence I went. Here is my turn. My time to vent. My mouth trembled with all this regret. I couldn’t do it. I was too upset. One look from your eyes and I knew it wouldn’t matter. These dreams of me and you, shattered. I go home. Go to my bed. Try to get rid of these thoughts in my head. My body is starting to ware. It’s an every night thing. Too tired to sleep. Too awake to care. Deep down inside I’m burning. No one really understands. But, at night I lay awake, tossing and turning.
I thought it was really preety good. I write poems too. mine dont rhyme though.. but yeah I though your poem seemed to me like it was a song.. like not a song I have heard before but it seems to me like I was reading lyrics to a song.. that make since? lol ( =
I thought it was pretty good. not the best I’ve read but pretty good. youve got skills:)
It Sounds As If your Holding your Emotion Back A Little To Much Don’t Be Afraid To Let It Flow Let The Pen Be A Instrument Of your Mind Not your Hand
This was a really good poep exept you used the same word to ryme to much..ex. Care, head. It’s one of the best poems I’ve seen in a while…but it wasn’t perfect ;)
some of the lines just…pop out
I /3 it
I know what my problem is. But thanks for the advice. Doesn’t really answer the question but cool. (:
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