http://www.funadvice.com/my/advice/housemouse en-us You know - the original post might be 4 years old - but there are still women and men that wrestle with the issues discussed here DAILY. A lot of us talk about RISK and Worth and while those things have to be considered. I also think many people feel TRAPPED in marriages. It's easy to say - get out and be honest about things. OR add some spice. If you have every tried to speak up or add spice to your marriage and failed - OMG - what it can do to your self esteem. Having an affair - or even just flirting with someone new can change your attitude about yourself so quickly. Should it be - intellectually I can say no that shouldn't - but in my life - the reality is that when I feel good about myself and I feel like I'm still sexually attractive - I'm a happier mommy. I'm even a better wife - if it means I'm making a home my husband wants to live in. My husband is older and he just has lost so much interest in anything sexual. It's very sad and I have been trying for so long to find a 'cause' and a solution but it's just not there. He isn't willing to face it - he is HAPPY with things the way they are. Do I feel trapped - yes - I do. Will I leave no - I won't. Am I 'trolling' for a man - no I'm not. But I have developed a friendship that has sparked me to feeling better about me and although it has ended. Very nicely I might add. The brief contact with another man being able to have passionate kisses and someone to listen to my thoughts and desires ... it was a wonderful interlude in my less than perfect life. I think roundaboutalley and I agree - being selfish means you are more concerned about your own desires and welfare than others. If you are in a marriage where your spouse is content to live without romance, your children are taken care of, you are working together and functioning as a family unit - wouldn't it be selfish to upset the apple cart if all you really needed was a little friendship and companionship that could be discrete and you could come back to the family a happier person? housemouse Sun, 20 Jan 2008 12:23:13 -0800 http://www.funadvice.com/q/married_and_wanting_to_have_an_affair 194281 Go talk to your school counselors. Stay calm and talk with one another about how you are going to react to insensitive people. Express your feelings of protectiveness to your friend that attempted suicide and how glad you are that they are with you and your friend and that you want to be positive and not add any stress. Go talk now! - If your school counselor or your parents don't have the answers - call the suicide prevention hotline and get some counseling there. Your feelings are valid and you need to express them - but you already know the blow up wasn't the way to handle it. Find out ways that will work for you. housemouse Tue, 04 Dec 2007 14:04:31 -0800 http://www.funadvice.com/q/friend_troubles_91543 152527 Youngwise - You make sense and I wish you peace now that you are trying to rebuild your marriage. Time after time people that have affairs have admited it was a mistake. There will always be an allure though and I believe each couples story is different. I agree with you and always have felt that we are responsible for our own happiness however, when you are part of a couple there are things that are tied to another person and their responses to you. And as good an idea as couseling might be - I believe both parties have to be open to working with someone and well ... frankly that isn't the common thing that I have heard happening. In my case it's not even an option to be discussed. Congratulations on haveing such great communications in your marriage - it's not the same for all of us and it's easier said than done. In my life - I've hit a wall - 1) My husband is happy with life the way it is and isn't interested in discussing any changes he sees no need 2) My family is happy and funtional and I don't want to disrupt that. Have I heard the message - 'Acceptance is key'? - yes - again easier said than done. So the delima remains - is an affair wrong? - I think everyone agrees - it's not the answer to any problem and yes it's 'wrong' - socially and religiously. The bottom line - noone can make the call for you. You will either give in to temptation or not. You may feel guilty OR you may not. You may find that it wasn't worth it or it maybe what gives you the courage to go on. You might then delve deeper and find the 'real' questions and answers in your marriage. Or you just might take whatever you can get out of life and keep moving. Peace. housemouse Tue, 13 Nov 2007 12:26:18 -0800 http://www.funadvice.com/q/married_and_wanting_to_have_an_affair 132243 Someone trying to pressure you into sex when it's not what you want isn't 'treating you good'! He is acting at school - you know the real him. And apparently your friends have seen his true self as well. Get away. Will it hurt to be alone - yes. Can you turn off your love for him - no. Will you help yourself in the long run - most definately. Because a stronger person who can stand up for herself is very appealing. There will be someone else - it might take awhile but you just don't want to live a life where you are manipulated. You have a choice - consider your happiness and health. If he truly loves you - he would be considering that first as well. housemouse Mon, 29 Oct 2007 07:10:20 -0700 http://www.funadvice.com/q/how_do_i_let_go_3285 120839 There has to be more to it then you can share here if all your friends are saying you need couseling. Perhaps it is more than they know how to deal with so that is why they are suggesting someone else. You're 12 - it's going to be a roller coaster of emotions for a few years. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news if you haven't already been noticing. Finding someone whom you can confide in (since it doesn't seem to be your parents) can help. Depression can rule peoples lives - some of the ones suggestion couceling may speak from experience and you just don't know. You're 12 - you have so much ahead of you - start looking for your passion and building your self esteem - if that requires some 'help' - GO FOR IT! I'm sure your family and friends just want to see you happy. And in the end - that's what you want too right? - You deserve to be happy and healthy and enjoy being 12! Try a new sport, put some effort into a favorite subject and be number one in that class, take time to talk with others about their problems and leave yours for a little while and then come back to them. Try the counseling - if it really turns you off - speak up then. Good Luck housemouse Mon, 29 Oct 2007 07:05:20 -0700 120838 I wish more people would answer you to encourage you to stay in school. As a parent I could give you statistics and tell you about being able to make more money and making your life easier and all that sort of BS. But just as a woman - I'll tell you this. You are going to find in your life that there are things you don't want to do but you will have to get through them. Work through them with a goal in mind. HS and getting through it will prepare you for life experiences. If it is so boring that you don't want to go - try to talk with the counselor - think about 'what you want your future to be' - and asked for their direction in picking some classes to get there. Some will be extreamly boring - trust me on that one. But some might spark an interest and give you job skills or life skills that you are interested in. If it is so hard that you don't want to go - find someone that can help find you a tutor. Talk with your teachers - SPEAK up. You don't have to take out an advertisement that you are asking for help but Ask for It. Again - a life lesson you need to learn - people do need help now and again - you might be able to return the favor in the not to distant future. Find something to be involved in besides sitting around watching tv - work on a goal every day - EVERY DAY. That is something I didn't learn until I was a couple of years into college and then forgot again when I became a Mom - you have to have something - that's for you - that you care about to work toward Every Day. Even if you just give 15 minutes of your time to it. Do it every day! Okay - maybe you have stopped reading because I'm a parent and might sound like yours - but I do hope you don't give up on yourself. Peace - housemouse housemouse Tue, 09 Oct 2007 19:18:53 -0700 http://www.funadvice.com/q/i_have_a_big_problem_ive_been_having 110390 roundaboutalley - I know others continue to say that an affair will always be found out but ... somehow when your marriage isn't a priority for both - I can't see how unless you are thoughtless and unkind. You're right though - it would be the worst for the family and kids to be hurt and that is where the guilt lies. I'm feeling calmer - and I'm not going to make any rash decisions about rushing into someone elses arms for comfort. That's not even remotely the 'reason' I'm interested in an affair. And as trashy as it may sound - it's just a product of being horny! lol - I say that but it's about wanting to feel desired and alive. I have gotten to a point where I just want to feel ... something! My mind keeps telling me all the things 'I know' - 1. you can't rely on someone else to make you happy 2. you can't make someone else happy if they are not 3. there is more to this then a physical - itch for lack of a better word. And I will slow down and take more time to look at this - but thanks for the encouragement to follow my heart. LOL - just which it could decide which way to go before I get dizzy going in circles! housemouse Tue, 09 Oct 2007 19:08:54 -0700 http://www.funadvice.com/q/married_and_wanting_to_have_an_affair 110387 roundaboutalley - Thank you. There is a man that is interested in me. A friend of mine through some volunteer work - doesn't even know my husband so that is good. We email one another daily and have shared a passionate kiss. It was absolutely wonderful and yet the scareiest moment of my life. He knows how committed I am to my family and has even said that he doesn't think I could live with the guilt. He is married also. His wife just doesn't enjoy sex - period. He knew it and married her and they cuddle and kiss but that's it according to him. They have no children and she has no idea is so frustrated that he is looking for someone to have an affair with. So - going into it - I know up front that it's not a serious situation. That's good and bad right? I don't need serious - I need to have some stimulation that isn't my own. But I do have children and I do have responsibilities and I do love my husband. Flowers just arrived - 2 days late but a dozen roses were just delivered to my house - do I forgive him and put off the affair? See this is the thing - after a month with no attention and feeling like I was rejected yet again - the man ends up coming back to bed one morning and we have amazing sex. The evening before I had decided to tell my friend that I would meet him at a hotel during the week. Well - I backed out. Now - this - last night I decided - go for it. What do I really have to loose? Would my husband be hurt - yes if he ever found out but would he leave me? No. Could I live with myself - I wasn't sure - however I was so hurt I was willing to risk it. Now the flowers are here - what a mess. I still don't know weither to move forward or not - now - I don't feel I can - I have to try once more to get through to my husband that all of this matters - but I need sexual attention as well as the flowers. BTW the card has apologies and happy birthday but doesn't say I love you. Should I read something into that? He has called and said he loves me - again - I just don't know any more. housemouse Tue, 09 Oct 2007 06:53:55 -0700 http://www.funadvice.com/q/married_and_wanting_to_have_an_affair 109956 roundaboutalley - To answer the question - no if you tell him - it's not an affair right? I do want to feel something. My birthday was yesterday and noone even said Happy Birthday. I'm so hurt - when I finally said something of course my husband said he was sorry and 'you know I love you. Go out and buy something special.' - that's not the point. It's at a point where I just don't believe in him any more. I don't believe there is any passion left there. And I'm so hurt and tired of working on this all alone that I'm ready to give up. But the woman inside of me wants some attention - so an affair. While as you say is not a solution - it would do something for me - it would help me feel alive again. Because at this point - I'm miserable and feel worthless. housemouse Mon, 08 Oct 2007 08:11:39 -0700 http://www.funadvice.com/q/married_and_wanting_to_have_an_affair 109321 Wow - just read all of this. I too am contemplating an affair. Married 19 years - actually love my husband and he says he loves me but ... there is no passion. No sex. I miss that, I crave it and feel so worthless without it. All appearances are that we have a good marriage. We don't argue, we parent together. We laugh. But we don't have sex. For several years I just accepted this was my lot in life. I've a very quiet person my husband is the aggressor. I started buying new lingeria, I made little suggestions - they went unnoticed for the most part. Then a couple of years ago I got up the nerve to bring it up. He said he was shocked - didn't know I was unhappy. Told me to be more direct. That worked for a short period of time. Then he said he felt like a sex toy and that perhaps I needed to buy some of those. This was my problem and I needed to handle it myself. That hurt - but I did. I never wanted to make him uncomfortable. Last year I broke down and said it wasn't just the release it was that I needed some affection as well. It has gotten to the point that if I held his hand he felt I was trying to initiate sex and he wasn't in the mood. I've asked about health issues - he won't see the doctor. I've lost weight, I've changed my appearance. I've thrown myself into projects but I'm still not satisfied. Heaven only knows why I love him but I do. This year we have had more sex then in the previous two - but once a month just isn't enough for me. I feel like I'm always bringing up this issue and he gets so defensive now. I don't guess I know how to communicate. He has said he does not approve of my new cloths - the tops are too low cut. Hell - I'm a 47 year old woman - I'm not shopping in the teen department! but I put the things away that he commented on and bought some more conservative things. He didn't like skinny jeans - well they feel good - so I'm wearing but I wear a top out - I am your typical middle aged mom! My uniform is shorts and t-shirts. My bedtime attaire has become more sexy but he doesn't comment on that and it doesn't seem to stimulate anything. I mentioned I bought something with him in mind and his response was 'You don't have to do, I don't care what you wear.' So what's the point? Why shouldn't I look somewhere else for a little excitement? I hear these men and I see the women writing too and I'm still confussed. You all make sense. I just want to be held and desired. I want to put my hands all over someone and have them appreciate that as well not reject my touch because they are too tired or they aren't in the mood. An affair sounds sooo appealing. Dangerous yes but ... how do I tell my husband of 19 years - Honey - I want to have an affair with you. Meet me for lunch for a quickie. Ripe my cloths off and let me crawl all over you and do things I've only dreamed of doing. Let's sit in the car and neck for a little while. Somehow I think the man would laugh in my face. housemouse Sat, 29 Sep 2007 07:20:41 -0700 http://www.funadvice.com/q/married_and_wanting_to_have_an_affair 105011