How can I stop hating myself for losing him?

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. Wednesday, we broke up. A girl msged me, saying she's been sleeping with him, I told her me and him have been together for 2 years, how much I love him, and how I can't deal with this crap right now (my dad is in hospice dying from stage four lung cancer). Bottom line. He broke up with me. Said I'm crazy, psycho, harassing him, and he'll send me my stuff. Hardest thing to hear (esp after us making plans for our future) : I'd never make a good mom.

I can't get over him. I feel like this is all MY fault. A few months after me and him started dating..september 2005, he started to want to go out to bars a lot (I was not 21 yet). I had trust issues bc I get hurt a lot, but I promised myself that I would not control him, and give him his freedom. I did, then 1 month later (the night my grandma died actually) he took another girl (his ex) on a weekend ski trip, but never really told me about it. He then told me 2 weeks later, he couldn't be in a rel, and we needed to slow down, and just date. I agreed, I did not want to be the crazy girl who asks for too much. So thats what we did, and we just had fun, but I also saw another guy (once). My ex eventually asked me to Disney World with him, and soon found out I had this other date and never told him, he was so hurt. But we got over it. We went to disney, exchanged I love yous, and we started to just fall in love.

He would sometimes say abusive things to me, but only joking. Like a comment about my butt not being perfect or a pimple, and I would get really hurt and upset. So, it would bother me when he looked at other girls, but bottom line, he did care about me a lot. He almost got deployed then and said we should get married. Then, he decided to buy a house (which bothered me, because I'm going to grad school, and I really didn't want him commiting to a location where I might not be). He then decided to go out a lot, not going to lie, I would get pretty upset when he went out, because I was getting msgs from girls saying he was cheating on me and I rembered the last time he had that phase. So, I eventually asked him about it, and he said I'm crazy, and these girls just want to break us up so they can have a chance w. him. I believed him, but I sort of decided I would do my best to try and keep him from going out to bars. We fought, he said things might not work out, but eventually we got to be so good again, asked me to buy a puppy, and I practically lived at his house.

So, then, I got the offer to go to study at Harvard Medical School for the summer to do research. He told me to go, I had nothing to worry about. Promised me everything would be okay. While I was there, I made a really good guy friend, who had a girlfriend, but I never told my boyfriend we were hanging out. Didnt want him to worry, but me and that guy started to talk about my boyfriend, and my friend thought I deserved a lot better...but NOTHING ever happend between us. My boyfriend broke into my facebook. He found a msg from me to that guy saying I'm beraking up with him. I didnt mean it, I just didnt want people at harvard thinking I'm some poor little girl who would stay with a guy who had given up so many red flags.

He flipped. That weekend. He went to the beach with his guy friend and stayed at this guys friends sisters house. I FLIPPED, litterally, had a breakdown. Bc I was so worrried hed do something stupid since we were fighting. He said I was crazy. Then, the day he was leaving, I got a picture text of a beach, I saw he sent it to another number. I called to ask who the other number it was to, and found out it was a girl and I should NOT call her. But I did, I told her I'm his girlfriend and what the f*ck is going on bc me and him had future plans. He then called saying I'm crazy and he does not want to be w. someone so crazy bc now this girl wouldnt even talk. Later, I talked to her again. I asked her if anything happend, she said its none of my business but shell never talk to him again, yet he denies anything ever happend besides hanging out.

I convinced him to give me a chance. He came up to visit, and it was awful. He kept saying how he didnt want to lead me on, and he felt tied down (and I'm crazy), and hes too young..hes 25 (oh and that girl was 18, I'm 21, and this new girl is 25, and is riduculous (my myspace headline:dreams come true, hers:lint licker).

So, then I came home from harvard. He tried to end it but I begged him not to bc of all going on w. my dad and I wanted to show him I could be the girl he fell in love with, and not be so crazy/needy. But, he didnt want to. We still hung out, still did 'stuff'. But he never quit the I just dont know if I want a rel stuff, I'd rather just date people. One weekend. I was at his house, and my dad was just in the hospital. I was in his basement and unlocked the door down there, so I knew if I needed my boyfriend later I could see him. He told me to go see my dad and maybe come back later. On my way to his house, he said dont come, but I did, and just went through the basement door. he flipped saying I was breaking in and crazy (all I did until he got home was clean up, do his dishes, his laundry, make his bed). Our puppy was w. his parents now bc he couldnt take care of it w. out having me to do most of the heavy work this past summer.

That night, I stayed. He went out to a bar and I stayed home. Told him to have fun and I'll be waiting when he gets back. That night, he barely touched me. I was upset about my dad, and I remember putting my arm around him. and him taking my head and slamming it against the wall. So, after that, the past 2 weeks. I trusted him. A night he didnt want me to stay over, I left. Bc he said he needed sleep and didnt get a lot w. me. If he went out, I told him to have fun, and see him tomorrow.

This past weekend was our 2 year. I made him a video of us, which I dont think he ever watched. Got him a candle. He got me a freaking lego set, because he knows I like them. Friday night, we watched a movie, didnt really do anything, and he said he was tired and I should go be w. my dad (about 10pm). I happily did. The next morning he called me at 10am to tell me to come over when I'm free. I did around 4. He siad I looked nice. We exchanged presents. We had plans to get a movie, but he got a fire call for a huge fire. I told him to please enjoy it, and was just so happy he got a fire call. He loves them. While he was gone, I noticed a picture of ours was missing off the bar stand. I found it, with a bunch of my stuff in a tupperware container next to it. Asked him why it was down...and he said he dind't like the way he looks in it.
That night, he was tired. Asked me to go get him a muffin. I happily did. Things seemed good. That night, he wouldnt really 'sexually' touch me, but eventually he did. The next day was our actual anniversayr. I got a gorgeous dress. Went to his house at 4pm, and he was there w. his mom putting furniture together. I sat there waiting for him to finish and get ready to go. I was at his desk and noticed right on it a paper with 3 girls emails on it. Asked him what it was. He said it was for a business thing he sells stuff for, and I should not email them bc he knew I remembered their addresses. He then flipped that I saw them (but they were laying right there on the table).

He then took me out for dinner. Each had steak and lobster. It was okay. Then that night, I put on the lingerie I got as a surprise for him. And we did everything except have actual sex, he said he was tired and I shouldnt worry about it. (I thought it was wierd, and when I found condoms in his room he hasnt been using on me (they were laying on his dressar, and he had then put them in his drawer), I took them so to ask him the next day whats going on). Then the next day asked him about the condoms I found by my stuff. He said I'm still a liar because they were in his drawer, so he never really told me anything.

On tuesday and wednesday, I saw he got a new myspace acct. 'Our couple' page used to be mine, but it was put under his name when he deleted his over the summer w,. all our stuff on it after he broke into my facebook. So, I friended him on our couple page and texted him at work to add me..bc I thought it was fishy. After work he said hes not adding me, bc ill just use it to spy and bother his frineds and set his profile to private, and he said its for work anyway, and why should I care. Its fake anyway. So I was like yeah youre right its fine.

The next day (this Wednesday) was the day the girl msged me. She said all these awful things. I called my boyfriend at work to ask him what the hell, and he got so mad I bothered him at work. I told the girl shes not scaring me away bc I love him and I know we're going through a hard time but we've always gotten through them in the past. That night I begged my boyfriend not to leave me. Cried. Im at school (senior college student). So it was over the phone. I asked him about if I can come over the next day to talk, and hes like no I have plans, and I am seeing other people. Told him the other girl hes been sleeping with doesnt seem like she wants much to do with him and he said he doesnt care. I begged him to just finally give me the real chance to show the fun me hes forgotten. But he said all that crazy psycho crap just. And that he can never have a healthy rel w. someone like me.

The sad thing is this girl is in no way better than me. But my boyfriend said I just look good on paper. Thursday morning I texted him, saying how I am late (I am) and I was sick. I knew I was just nautious from being upset. And hes like this is just one more reason for me to leave this. Now you are crazy. Im about to file for harassment and get a pfa. And I said what I needed to say. Bc I knew I couldnt let myself talk to him for awhile. He said he still loves me. Then after th ephone, I texted him to tell him I'm not looking for anyone else, and I hope he realizes what he had, and he regrets this soon. I told him I am a good girl (I'm pretty, smart, going to be a doctor soon...hes only got a BS and is a civil engineer where we are from (a pretty crappy low economic place). And that I love him, and will never forget everything..disney..puppy. I said for him to tell his parents I love them. Later that night, in my final text, I told him I am not in any way pregnant, I'm not that type of girl, and I wish he wouldve given me a real chacne (the past month he said he was, but how was he really giving us a chance (he said he didnt feel the same way aobut me anymore for awhile) to regain our faith in our rel, if hes off sleeping with other girls?

I dont know what to do. Yesterday morning, I called under a blocked number to make sure he got the texts (that he didnt like change his number or actually go through w. all of that hurtful stuff). Then, later, he texted me saying 'Saw you called at 6am this morning, what did you want?'. Then he called. I ignored both. I want to talk to him so baddd. The thought of him w. anyone else kills me. But I know the only way for us to even hope to get to be what we are is to show him what its like to not have me at all. I gotta hope one day he will be sitting around, and realize, I had the best girl and lost her, and have him beg for me back. But if he still gets me showing him I care while hes doing that stuff, I dont know if that will happen. He hasnt called since yesterday afternoon that one time.

I need to know if this is my fault. He said I scared him away. But he also told me he wanted this to 'last forever.' I gave him everything. Bought him everything he ever wanted, and did all he wanted. The day before this girl that msged me and him went out, I took him to an Eagles game. Last friday, when I left happily and he was tired, he called her to come over and they had a 'long night' as she calls it. She must be somewhat of a skank sleeping with someone she barely knows... When I told him that Thursday morning, that hes also been lying and hes been cheating, he just did this 'heh' thing.

Why would he do this? I'm pretty (see my pic). I'm smart...going to get my phd in Neuroscience (either next year or the following). Been to harvard, worked at the national laboratory, and I've given him a lot. But its like he refuses to see that person. To him (And his friends and coworkers apparently..this girl said thay all make fun of me) I'm out of my mind. Am I? Is this my fault?

people keep saying I deserve better. I dont want to. I want the guy I fell in love with back, before all of this stuff happend. I shouldnt have gotten mad when he bought the house last November (but I felt like if he did buy it, hed be tied down to a place I know I cant live bc I want a more succesful live). I dont want anyone else. Most people are like meet new people...I dont want to. Am I doing the right thing by not talking to him for awhile? I miss our puppy and his family so much. Everything around me reminds me of him. And I feel like I ruined it by not trusting him...What should I do? Do you think he will regret this and wake up? It kills me to know he might find a girl to give the life to that we almost had, and could've had if I never went to Harvard this summer, and given him too much freedom like that all at once. But he says 'I dont want to be with anyone like you, I dont want to be in a rel with anyone...' I hate myself for losing him. I havent eaten a thing since Wednesday, I barely slept the past 3 nights, the pain won't stop.

I didn't read all of your post. It was WAY too long.
But I read the part about him taking ANOTHER girl (not you) on a ski trip while you two were STILL dating. That depends on wheather you had said that he couldn't see other people. If you didn't say that, then he might have just thought that he COULD see other people and still see you too. That part is about as far as I got. But other than that, I did see the part about him teasing you about your butt and pimples. Why did you get upset about that? He was ONLY kidding.
he didn't mean anything by it. It sounds to me, like you take things WAY too seriously.

He cheated on you, its HIS fault. He's a waste of time & emotions. Drop him...

Wow, I cant believe how much this sounds like my ex!. I will funmail you, and talk to you.

Don't let him tke the best of you...hun' you are beautiful and I'm sure that you can do a lot a lot better someone that will really really love u...he doesn't love u...open your eyes and realize that. Someone that loves someone wouldn't even do half of the things he have dne 2u...u can do a lot better and look you are almost a proffesional of course you can. I'm not saying is going to be easy to let go because I can see that you do love him but you can't be with someone that treats like shi*t ..I'm sorry but you deserve better and u are not crazy you were just asking for explanations...we as girls need to ask questions and there's nothing wrong with that...so hope this helps

listen you are 2 good for him, you are going to be doctor your whole life is going to change around you dont need him to pull you back, I know you love him but life goes on if he keeps tellin you he dosent want you then dont stress him, the more you show you dont care, it will make him start thinking, trust evry guy knows what a good girl is and a stank is. thats good that you had a realtionship with the parents so they can throw it in his face. its not going to be easy but you know what live day by day and get stronger by it, now you know not to take this kind of crap from no man. you be strong and dont let no man put you down , screw him, you have every right to be in his stuff and get mad when a girl calls, what would he do in your shoes. girl move on and live a successful life with someone good and postive like urself.