What does it mean?

I'm still working on the whole wife problem, for those of you who read my other questions...

My wife said she loves me, and loved me when she had her affair. She just needed to feel good about herself because when she came home, I just complained about how the house wasn't clean and the dinner was always made late, etc., etc,.
(don't judge me guys, I work 12-16 hours a day... I don't have time to do it.)

She said she loved me before the affair., and was just 'having fun' enjoying the excitement... But then one day the guy wanted sex, and she was carried away, she said she didn't want it, and started telling the guys he was scared... But they did it anyway... She swears she ended it all that day. And avoided him as much as she could. When he asked her if it was 'okay' and if she was 'okay' she said she was fine, and that it was fine that they did it, but she is not fine with doing it again or ever being with him again...

Yet she didn't quit her job, where she knew the guy from, and when she found out she was pregnant, she told him it might be his...

What does this all mean...

I am asking, was she sabootaging our relationship? Does she not love me to act out this way? Does she really love me but really needed that excitement?

I know about the need for the excitement, I flirted and even kissed another woman before too, but I never cheated...

Dear despondent,
Well she may love you but that does not make her a decent person. I have not read your other question but what comes to mind reading this one is my favourite quote 'people treat you the way you let them'. She has found herself...a push over. No one ever, and I mean ever has an affair because of another person. This is a personal choice that has nothing to do with you. You have 2 options...to stay with her and to continue to be treated badly (don't tell me she is going to change or will never do it again) She has already proven she is not trustworthy. Bit once shame on them, bit twice shame on you. Or you can leave and seek out counselling to figure out how you have allowed another person to treat you this way. I would not ever suggest marriage counselling in this situation. It is clear she knows just what she is doing. But I do suggest individual counselling and a separation. If the tables were turned and it was you who were cheating and the rest you would get a ton of advice to leave etc. If the relationship was lacking in excitement...another word for it's dysfunctional then you both should have addressed this much earlier.
Sue...good luck

My heart goes out to you xx
thats the worst thing that can happen

I bet you was blind to it at the start , yeah every women does need attation ,, we love spending time with our man , she prob got a little attation from him thats where it started and where you went wrong..
your working tomany hours
she misses you..
but if she really is pregnent for that other guy then Thats burden
can you forgive her & is she willing to stay with you .. will that guy stay father of the child ..
Im sorry to here bout your relation ship xxx

have you ask her to quit her job ? maybe yous should spend more time together as you work 12-16 hours a day. a spoused that realy cut you up finding out that she had a affair to be honest I think if some 1 has cheated that things could never be tha same. but hey thats just my opion. I do belive that you can still be truly in love with some and still have and a affair. so what have you done about this pregnent issue ?

the man was married too.

this happened 2 years ago, she kept her job until she was ready to deliver.
she had the baby and I've been rasing it thinking its mine.

she just admitted it to me, and yes we are seperated.

its up 2 you its what you want that matters! why dont you have a test to find out if tha child is yours

Hello mister, my heart is aching for you and I don't even know you. This is a terrible situation. If I were you, I would find out for sure if that little spirit is yours. Then figure out if you can forgive her completely because personaly, I would find it excrucuatingly hard everyday to lay my body to rest next to a person in which I resent. I feel that things can never be the same after something like this. that is just me though. You will have to find that in yourself too. If you choose to stay together, you will need to gain trust. Which is going to be another friggin mountain to climb. I went through an affair with my husband. I had to leave because I simply could not trust anymore. infact to this day, I am trying to get married again and I still lack trust in my man to be. I need to get over that too and stop punishing my new love. Its not right. I do not envy your situation. I am so sorry you have to experiance this. Time heals, allow that for yourself. Personaly, she may love you but where is the respect? When I fully love someone, I respect then in ways that I do no other and hold them on a pedalstal, after all, they choose me to spend their life with everyday so isn't that why we should? think about that. I say go find yourself a sweet woman who will treat you right. Make sure you are willing to commit though too. Sounds like you work awfully hard and long hours. Women must have your attention and same with you men folk also. Also to me I consider kissing cheating, so with any relationship destinguish your rules and guidlines. make sure the both of you are on the same page with that. The relationship must be equal as a team to function at its best. Sounds like your depression is not just situational. Make sure to continue seeing your therepist. Sounds like they will help. in the mean time when you can't talk to them, my line is always open. funmail me anytime if you like. I am here. keep in touch

put plain and simple, she's selfish. she should put your happiness before hers (which is exactly what you should be doing). that's how a relationship works. if you both put eachother first, then you're both being taken care of and no one gets hurt. your wife is being selfish and only worrying about herself. she didn't even think about how the affair would affect you.

also...what is your definition of cheating? if you so much as THINK of doing ANYTHING (even kissing) another woman while you are married, you are cheating. come on now. if you ask me, you wife isn't the only problem in your relationship.

She can love you even if she has an interim affair. There are persons for them It is boring to be with only one partner for all the life. So let her to play a bit around. But one thing is important; she should satisfy your sexual needs also. And if you are satisfied then do not care too much of her affair. Or, be friendly, and ask for the details with a friendly attitude.

ok. ya. I kissed another woman, I was feeling lonely, this was after her first affair... there was two.. I needed and wanted someone to like me.. this woman did... she surprised me one day, she kissed me... I didn't push back and I didn't let go. I let the kiss finish.

but that was only 1 kiss. I didn't dive in for another, and I didn't sweet talk, I looked her square in the eye and told her this isn't going to work. if that's an affair.. then I'm guilty... I never loved her. I never had sex with her, regardless weather I fantasized about it or not. I don't call a fantasy an affair. and I would not divorce my wife is she kissed another man once and then said no...

the first affair, we were married REALLY young.. I figured she just needed to get it out of her system... I forgave her... now... I understand it's something different...

no I'm not ok with her sexual promescuity, its dirty, she can get me sick with something bad... and its not a stable mind...for me or her..

sorry swingers... I just don't do that.

yah I agree on the swingers thing. its definately only for a certain percentage of people. I could never share my man with any one. It would drive me to an end to watch him enjoy another woman and I would never expect him to share me...hell...I wouldn't want to be shared...no offense to anyone out there. I have been thinking about you all day and am wondering how you are feeling today? I hope a little better.

see, that's good, I believe in forgiveness in a relationship, but you're right...when it happens a second time...she's hindering you. why let her do that? you have to decide what is best, I guess.

it takes a big person to forgive someone of such a huge thing.

I'm glad that you realize that he mind is not stable. it's not healthy for her and it's especially not healthy for you. something needs to change. you have to decide what that is.

no one deserves to go through what you have been through...it's aweful and heartbreaking. that's not how marriage is supposed to work. but I want to challenge you to be faithful to your wife in your thought and deed.