So i wrote this what you think?

Okay so tell me what you think of this I got bored, and wrote what I felt...

I'm possessed by evil demons who torture me while I'm sleeping
I keep dreaming too death that I'm hearing people screaming
The devil's spirit trapped inside me thinking I'm...

wanted out
I'm on the couch bleeding too death in a haunted house
With both of my wrists slit I'm lifted up in the air
Suspended into animation, like someone is holding me there
I feel somebody's bone hands grabbin around my neck
While I choke on my own blood that I swallow and drown to death

Soo what do you think?

Hey, it won't let me funmail you :S yeah pretty random, and the editing more would involve making each line shorter and more quante and compact but having the same effect, especially if its going to be a rap or sung in anyway.

An example:

I'm possessed by evil demons who torture me while I'm sleeping
I keep dreaming too death that I'm hearing people screaming

Could become something like

Possessed with demons, Tortured by my dreams
Dreamt of death, While victims scream

Or this for the 2nd line:

Dreamt of death, and his victims screams

Something like that but, but thats what I meant by shortened, to give it more punch effect and to make better lyrics out of it... Play around with the entire thing, there are many things you can do with it. let me know what you think about that idea.

Do you want to know a fun trivia fact about ethnic cleansing? No one who lives through it writes emo poetry about it.

Blood, death, blah blah blah blah, life is misery, life is pain, snore, cough, wheeze.

Look, if you want to express yourself, at least do it in a way that hasn't been done by 3.5 million bored teenagers ahead of you. Strive to make something interesting and unique. Don't strive to shock the normals with your banal imagery, because people FAR more depressed than you have already been there,

lol well actually this is how I write, okay.
its just what works for me, I have really happy poems too.
but this one is like going to be a song my buddy is going to use it fer a rap.
that why asked what people think. then are other buddy's producing it.
like what do people think about it being a rapped, because its defferent from other rappers because all they talk bout is, money, hoes, and drugs.
but this is soo real. so its different

thats pretty good
!!!

its good, it could be edited quite abit, but the basis of it is good and I don't see how its emo... lol seems more dark and haunting...

wow exactly that's exactly what it is someone gets it, in what ways would you edit it...funmail me??

true enough, thanks I will look at it when im all done and see what I can do

There's a very good reason it won't let you funmail her...

im kind of curious why they wont let him funmail me...

Shouldn't you be at the hospital?

*mean face* what is up with mikeh??? give it a break. I like 2 write like that 2 because painful is what we express. nobody wants 2 read a poem about something happy beccause it has no meaning and no...like anything. grrr.
just apreciate that we like 2 do it mmkay smart as*?

Sorry, that came off as mean, but what I meant was honest concern. That is to say, Your last posting over an hour ago said you were bleeding out your uterus and were headed to the emergency room, but you're still on here posting? Shouldn't you be at the hospital?