How to jumpstart a sexless relationship?

I have been living 2yrs in a sexless relationship. I am 57 yr old female and he is a 60 yr old male. We had mininal sex when we first met, my being the initiator. He says nothing turns him on.But..I know he watches porn and uses the 800 sex lines(I have seen the cell phone bills) I enjoy porn,he knows that. I have offered to watch it w/him, there always seems to be an excuse from him to avoid the issue. I try to talk about our lack of sex, he gets mad, leaves the room or changes the subject. I have been to counseling, he refuses to go. I met him on a sex chat line. I confronted him about talking on the sex lines, he denies it, I have seen the c*m soaked towels in the hamper. He has made love to me maybe 6 times in 2 years, he ejaculated may 3 times in the 6 lovemaking sesssions. He says'he can get it up, he just can't keep it up' I have offered to go to counseling w/him. He refuses doctors and counselors, says he can fix the problem by himself. He was not sexually abused as a child, but was beaten and verbally abused. He was married 7 years, wife cheated on him. He has little trust, faith in females, said all the females in his life cheated on him. I love him very much, I am patient, loving, intelligent, very good body and very sexy. Please help me to understand him. Is he destined to always'jack off to porn and chat lines'?? or is there help out there? Thank you

Dear mariang,
You met him in a sex chat...well did you not think perhaps he had a problem then? You married him knowing he had a problem in the beginning. Did you think you were going to change that? He won't go to counselling...you can't change that either. You said you did go did they not tell you that you we can only change ourselves not others. After this period of time and he is unwilling to address his issues then you make the decision if you are willing to live this way. It seems you aren't so the ball is in your court. If you stayed would you be happy, content emotionally and physically. If the answer is yes...then stay put. If the answer is no then perhaps it's time to move on. You had the red flags before marriage but went a head anyways. No I think it's time to think again.
Sue...good luck

Wow, this is a tough one, Number 1, He is an adict. He needs to come to the place that he is willing to get help and quit his adiction. By continuning to remain in the relationship you are not helping him. You are enabeling him to have his cake and eat it too. No pun intended. If you want a relationship with him, take a stand against the abuse and seperate untill he is delivered from it. It could take a year so be sure you are committed to the process. Number 2 You will always come in second compaired to the steriotypical woman shown on the porn films. They are professional and they are prepaired. There was a gal that had been in the porn industry here on funadvice. I hope she sees your request and chimes in. I know she can help you better than I can. but Good Luck
Gino

Have you maybe considered taking a short break together? Consider a weekend away, somewhere secluded.

Maybe being on some neutral territory may allow him to relax a little further. Be patient with him, he obviously has troubles that run very deep. Don't start a conversation by jumping straight in or begin defensive/aggressive, but keep it light and just slowly ease into it. Ask him what he wants from you, what he finds stimulating from watching movies or using chat lines and how you can be a part of that. Maybe some role-playing may work - as he seems to enjoy phone-sex maybe you could bring that into play.

Have a chat with your family doctor as well, ask them if they can recommend any material that will help you to let him help himself and finally agree to see someone. Talking therapy would be very productive for him in my opinion.

Given his trust issues you need to make sure that he is fully aware that you are there for him no matter what, that you're not about to disappear off into the sunset with another man or look elsewhere for what he is not providing. Let him know that you love him and want to understand how to please him.

Finally, the fact that he is mas*urbat*ng over movies or chat line conversations isn't any slur on you, its just a form of release and no different to you seeking pleasure on your own. Slowly try and introduce yourself into the equation, show him just how much you want to be a part of it and let him realise how much fun he could have sharing his time between you as well as watching movies and chatting on phone lines.

Well a relationship is built on communication and a strong sex life and if he wont talk to you about your sex life then you need to make him realize its important to you that you have sex with the one you love and he can't give you a valid reason or at least talk to you about it then something has to be done... because we are all warm blooded and need loving... you just need to lay your foot down on this one... he shouldn't walk out on you like that for such a simple conversation... unless he is embarrassed about something... or something else