How to deal with this breakup, being a dad, and my ex dying?

OK- this is complicated...I was with my ex for 11 years-- we ended up getting divorced last december. It's strange but I think we both expected to get back together- but--- she started dating some idiot- and the I do the same-- but in my case I got the gal pregnant. We decided to keep the baby-- because at the time (1 month after we started seeing each other)- we were very much in love--- or at least thought we were.

And since I still felt a lot of love for my ex-- we were still best friends always- she was around- whether it was just to teach my new girlfriend (like a big sister) how to cook, clean, etc--- or all kinds of 'being a mom' stuff (ex was 10 years older than me, new gal is 11 years younger.) She was like my new girlfriends 'big sister.'

But since there were problems before-- and since I very much care for my new girlfriend--- who is having my baby-- I didn't put any effort into getting my ex back. I still loved her- but I didn't want to screw things up with my new girl and the baby.

The baby is due next month.

And my ex died a little over three weeks ago--- in a horseback riding accident. Total shocker. My head is in complete chaos--- on top of this I am starting a new business.

I need to figure out what the hell to do. My new girl is the mother of my son-- to be born in 4-5 weeks. We still haven't agreed on a name.

The big problem is that she totally flipped out--- during the week where we had to bring in all kinds of my ex's relatives here from Japan for a funeral-- and all kinds of crazy stuff which happened within a week-- and then repeated in Japan-- my girlfriend decided this was the time to tell me our relationship wasn't what she wants. She flips out (with my relatives in the house for my 40th birthday party)- the day before the ex dies- admittedly with no good reason. 'You don't love me!' stuff--- and storms out of the house--- at 3am-- and makes up some crazy story about going to a woman's shelter.

She was at her friends house.

Then her friend proceeds to tell me that I have no business taking care of my ex's family--- but there were always my Japanese family--- and this has nothing to do with the love I feel for my new girlfriend- or our baby.

When we discovered she was pregnant- this was the first and only time in my live I've ever considered an abortion-- and even though I was always against abortion (I was adopted at 3 days old)- it was the only time I've ever thought 'jeez if we do this abortion this problem is over-- if not, this girl is going to be in my life forever.'

So now, almost a month after the real love of my life dies-- I have a major problem. My new girlfriend decided to pack up and go to Japan and have the baby at her parents house. Now, however, I need to make a ton of decisions-- quickly:

- should I get her back to hawaii-- as soon as possible after the baby is born?
- should I move to japan and go from tokyo (where my business is) to osaka on weekends to be with the baby?
- should I suck it up and be with her for a while-- even though right now the only thing I care about is the baby (after the panic attacks and especially since she wasn't there for me during the funeral/etc- and making several ridiculous scenes in front of my friends and family, and not having any motivation, and we have nothing really in common except the baby?)

I do still love my ex-- -and of course I do love my girlfriend-- stupid as she may appear at times. She thinks I'm still in love with my ex-- -which, admittedly (but not to her) I am-- but she's gone- and we're having a baby.

When we decided to keep the baby a bunch of my friends said 'dude you gotta make her an honest woman-- marry that girl.' but hell, I just got unmarried-- so did she, 2 years earlier- and I thought (and thought she agreed) that we should wait and decide to get married when we are ready-- and we are getting married because we want to--- not just because social pressure tells us it's the thing to do. For now, we should focus on helping each other as much as possible--- we need to be focused on being the best parents we can be-- and in time our love will either develop the way we'd like or not- but we can still be great parents--- and whether or not we have the romantic love the 'perfect happy couple' does--- we can still have a ton of love for each other- and our baby.

There's no textbook for love, after all.

I thought she understood.

But now, here I am--- with about 5 major things in life I need to figure out:

- what to do with girlfriend?
- what kind of dad can I be if I'm not there?
- I have to decide between moving to japan or staying in hawaii.
- how do I get over my ex (who I can't stop thinking about-- guilt, especially- since she was my real true love and I should have never let her go).
- how the hell can I concentrate on my business (and I need money) when all this crap is going on?

OK-- well, that's my sorry, sad story. Any advice would be great--- thanks for reading.

Aloha,
Mr. Sad

First of all I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Losing a loved one changes you forever, doesn't it? It makes you realize what's important in life- family. I won't pretend to know how difficult it must be considering so many major life decisions right after losing a friend and lover. I can give you my advice though.

I do not suggest marrying the mother of your child. You should wait to see how the situation develops- right now she is scared and hurt. Remember, she lost your ex as well- she probably thought the three of you would be raising this child, with your ex acting as surrogate mother, aunt, big sister, etc. Scared, she ran to a place she felt
safe.

I strongly suggest being there when the baby is born. Her actions seem to be irrational and manic, probably a direct result of being so close to giving birth. I'm worried she could suffer a severe case of postpartum depression. You need to be there to take care of both her and the baby. You may not like her right now, but she is the mother of your child.

Once things get settled, talk with her about moving back to Hawaii. Unfortunately, if she doesn't want to leave Japan, it will be your choice to stay or return to the States. I hope you choose to stay in Japan with your son.

The best thing to do right now is to seek professional advice from a therapist. You need to be strong for everyone right now, and if that means unloading all of your doubt, angst, guilt, and anxiety on someone else, then so be it.

I hope everything works out. You sound like an incredible man and I know you'll be a great father.