Please make me laugh til I pee

does any body have any funny jokes they want to share with me?

Just a reminder...

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

what the f*ck why do you want to do that for?

I'm safe from identity theft, no one wants to be me.

Great people in history have one thing in commom, they are all psychos.

Yogurt is not now and will not ever be a substiute for ice cream.

Thanksgiving is wrong, you get the day off but you have to spend it with your family.

Rumor has it, that people are having children on purpose.

God bless America. (But not any of those other, evil countries.)

Smile, it's our only defense against gravity.

The worst part about being poor is that you have to live among poor people.

Behind every success story is another story about someone having that same exact idea 5 years earlier.

Denial: The first step is admitting that there are no problems.

If you want revenge on a married man, just call his house and and hang up every time his wife answers.

The whoopie cushion is the seat of all humor.

Men are free to do whatever they please, just as long as their wife okays it.

We cheer Robin Hood when he steals from the rich and gives to the poor, but detest the poor when they do the same thing.

In a hundred years you won't have to worry about money.

It's okay to be late as long as you bring donuts.

Soccer is the only game you can say- "We killed em' 2-0."

Arguements between your spouse and you rarely end with whatever.

Never, under any circumstance, not even once in a while, is it okay to wear socks with sandals.

The two cruelest words ever linked together, mandatory meeting.

Never trust a story that has been told more than once.

The best weight loss system is sticking a mirror inside of your fridge.

and the most important thing...

If you get arrested, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.