Please help fix my heart

If there was one thing that a stranger could give me now, I wouldnt call for added years to my age, Or wealth...I would ask for the ability to forget the reminders of what I would like to share with you, Im 26 and spend my time in a world where sadness is all I know.
I havnt spoken to anyone about this, Sychiatrists and councellors are all but strangers to me, And im not ill as people think I am...Im so sad that I feel life slipping through my fingers.

I lived in the heart of the Scottish Highland a few miles from Loch ness, My heart always belonged in the mountains, I dissapeared for days with my home on my back to be alone with these giants of old. My permanent home was a humble mobile home above the snow line over looking a large bay where dolphins played well into the night,
I lay for hours by rivers counting the shooting stars and listening to the crackle of my fire on the river side, My friend new where to find me each night and would often join me by the river side until the early hours.
I had a beautiful job where the boss looked after me like a son, I guess because I was alone and a little laid back my work looked after me, They used to slip little parcels of food into my car so I could get decent meals, I know I loved them all very much.

Something was missing though, I longed to hold a woman in my arms, I wondered what it was like to lie skin to skin with someone you loved with all your heart, To lie bare breasted by the light of a warm fire looking into each others eyes...
One day I met a woman in the street, She was so beautiful, Her eyes seemed deeper than an ocean and seemed to tell a thousand storys, I had never felt this love at first sight, And believed it a myth until that moment.
I often went to the food store to see if I could see her, She also had the same idea, I was bewildered why she looked at me like no other woman ever had before. We saw each other more and more often.
One night we held hands, I cannot describe that feeling, And that night before I went home the night was clear and We kissed under a blanket of stars,
After a few months we were in a love, It was so wild that my work was affected as I couldnt concentrate, My mind was always thinking of how I could show my love to her.

I remember knocking doors of people and asking them for flowers out their garden, Late in the evening I laid flowers down the streets as a trail for her to follow, They led to a wee train station, I covered the train station in candles and flowers and teddy bears, I put a note under a traffic cone outside her house saying follow the daffodils, When she followed them to the train station I drove her to a beautiful river at the bottom of the mountains, I waded accross the river as she sat on a large rock on the shore, I released hundreds of fire works into the clear crisp sky of my home...I then asked her to marry me... She said she wanted to grow old with me... and would marry me...
That night I lived my dream, And lay skin to skin in front of a roaring fire.
Around that time I had problems with my home lease and my wife to be asked me to move in, I did and remember the feeling as if it was yesterday,
I moved in and for the first night we lay holding each other, Love didnt seem a powerful enough word to describe what I felt for her.

Something changed after a month and she grew hard towards me, She started to cover my eyes when I went to kiss her, She said they were like her ex boyfriends.
Then one day I came home from work, I had bought 22 bunches of flowers and lay them out in the bedroom...She shouted at me saying I was too soft.
I remember being a nervous at upsetting her and would go to work and recieve text messages saying that she didnt love me anymore, When I got home she said she didnt mean it, I was so on edge, This happened every other day.
Then things started happening to me in the bedroom that I didnt like, But I just wanted her to be happy so I let her, Some Nights we made love and others she hurt me in different ways and got angry with me.

She asked me for a baby on the tuesday, We tried...On thursday I awoke from a very emotionel passionate night with her, We made love for hours like we did the night I moved in, Just before I went out the door for work she muttered my name 3 times...She told me I was too soft and that she had never loved me...

I havnt explained to you properly and Im so sorry my writings a mess for you people to read, I get this far each night and than delete my post before I finish.

Im alone now and ran away from scotland leaving the mountains and endless sky's behind, I left my friends behind and didnt go to work again, I left them too.
I live in a dark council estate now with crime and drunks, Each day I live what happened again and again, I have never felt such pain, I still love her with all my heart, But at the same time im so scared of her, I miss my work and friends like they were the air that I breathe, Im so loneley
Her name was hannah, And this is the first time I've said her name, I wish I could tell you all that happened but I dont know the words or letters to use to describe the events.
I just wanted to be loved and spend forever with her.
The sychiatrists say I was abused badly, But I find it hard to see as I still love her.
People I really dont know what to do to stop the immense pain im in, At night I have nightmares that seem to place every detail perfectly,
I think im going to stop here, I feel even more confused and angry I cant find the real words to tell you what happened,
I just want to stop hurting, Its been a year now...

Solace

wow, I don't have much to tell you but that's a very interesting love story. the way you write shows that you care about her so much. in my opinion I don't think you should ignore work or friends. theres no easy way out of this. you are going to still feel pain for a very long time but little by little seeing your friends will get more enjoyable and you'll be able to look at other girls easier without thinking about how heartbroken you are. you are in an extremely hard situation. I know how it feels to be heartbroken and if I were you I would probably want to kill myself. stay strong, no matter what. you have a lot of courage