My 11 year old has a "boyfriend"

My 11 year old has a boyfriend (if that is what you call it). They see each other at school in the halls and during lunch. I like him, he is a good kid, in honors classes and participates in various after school activities. My daughter is the same, she is a straight A, honors student and very sports oriented. So you can guess what a suprise it was when she came home from school one day announcing that she had a boyfriend. She has claimed to have a crush on him since kindergarten. We would always tease her about him. They spend time together with other friends around. Last night they discussed a kiss on the cheek. They have never even held hands, unless picking each other up off the floor when one of them falls while roller skating or tripping---if that counts. I was watching them last night when I picked my daughter up how they talk to each other or how he leans up against the wall and looks at her. He claims to have had a crush on her since kinder also. Well, I don't know how to take the kissing thing. She was shocked, she told me and told him that she was not allowed to kiss because I did not allow it. He did not get upset. He has never been anything but considerate to her...in fact he is more a gentleman than most men I know. And that was that...the night went on as if nothing was ever discussed. My daughter tells me most of everything, but I read this on one of her text messages to one of her friends and confronted her about it calmly. I think I was more upset that she did not tell me, then about the kissing discussion. I am afraid that she will not tell me when this kissing thing happens because that is one of the rules I have set. Up until this she has told me everything, but she was afraid I would get upset. I don't really know if I would be upset because I remember my first kiss, but at the same time...I said no kissing. So I am stuck..most kids when you tell them no they do it anyway. What should I do? I want her to continue to tell me everything and tell me when anything happens without thinking that I would get upset. I couldn't tell my parents anything, so I don't know how to handle all this. I am looking for some advice from parents who have been through the this.

its a kiss on the cheek when I was 11 I did wayyy more then that so be happy thats all it is.

well, im 15, but I understand completly
just tell her you'd really prefer her not to kiss boys at her age and explain why, and honestly, thats the best you can do as a mother
not allowing her to see him is not a very good choice because thats just your fears influencing her relationships in a negative way
you mentioned your memories of your first kiss, we all know its going to happen and of course its uncomfortable to think your daughter is growing into a teenager and will experience things like that
but its going to happen, it does to everyone, and explain to her that your openminded and she can tell you anything and you won't be mad
if my mom did this with me, I'd feel so much more comforted and it'd be nice to know that she cares
but yeah just give her a talk and speak your mind to her

I'm not a parent yet, but I think I could help. I'm glad that you have open communication with her, that means she trusts you and thinks of you as a friend/teacher. Approaching her about it without getting upset is the best way to go. To keep it open between you both, keep an open mind. Make sure she knows where you stand, but tell her if it does happen, you want to know. Don't be upset with her. You could also give her your reasons for not wanting them to kiss, even on the cheek. If it's because she's your baby girl, and you're scared she'll be growing up too quickly if she does, tell her that. If it's because you're afraid one thing will lead to another too quickly, tell her that.
The way I liked it done when I was younger was when we went off by ourselves on neutral territory. I lived with my grandma, and her way of doing it was with food. We'd either go on a picnic in the park, to get an icecream cone, or some Wendy's. If it begins to take a turn for the worst, (ex: She doesn't want to talk about it or get's touchy), don't get frusterated and tell her it is important to you, whenever she is ready to talk about it in a time frame you are comfortable with (ex: by dinner time tomorrow). Change the subject to something that will put her at ease, and keep the conversation flowing. You don't want to make her angry with you.
If she's ok with it, and this boy she's with is such a gentle men, talk to them both about it so he knows she's not just bluffing about your rule and go in for it anyway. Talk to them as if they were adults. Make sure she's ok with it though, or it could lead her to resent what you did, and hide things from you further.

Theres nothing wrong with this. Your her mother before her friend. Rules and guide lines need to be set, and they should start at an early age. I'm 20 with no kids, but my mother was always super strict with me. She made it nown that she was my mother, not my friend. It was her job to pertect me. I wasn't even allowed to start dating till my senior year of high school, and didn't get my first boyfriend till I graduated. At times I hated my mother, but in the end I appreciate it because I'm a good girl with a good rep. Theres nothing wrong with a little snooping, or being strict. Its the girls without strong structure and a stern mother that wander around. Basicaly, tighten that grip on her while you still can, or else you'll never get the chance to even hang on to her. Parents should force that innocence and childhood on their kids because if not they just want to grow up too fast and do things that their really not ready for.

An 11-year-old should not be dating for many developmental, emotional, and social reasons. Most preteens (and even a good number of high-school students) don't date. They are most comfortable in group activities. Most of them are working hard at figuring out just how to talk to the other gender!
'Liking guys' at school is not unusual for an 11-year-old. However, there is a major difference at her age between liking boys and dating them. 11-year-olds are far too young to engage in dating behaviors.

If your daughter looksyears older than her age, her emotional intelligence, reasoning, and judgment have a long way to go to catch up to her body. She may be a girl with the body of an older teen, but her emotional and intellectual makeup remains that of an 11-year-old. Older boys often pursue girls who mature earlier physically and these girls are often flattered and excited by this attention.

Boys and girls socializing together at this age is healthy, and individual dating should not be encouraged or allowed.

What's the point of dating at 11? There is none. Raise your daughter to focus on other things -- volunteering in the community, animals shelters, and school activities. Teach her that she should focus on bettering herself as a person and civic duty. As a child, it's the perfect time to instill these values. These should make her feel good about herself so she doesn't need to rely on a boy for this or for 'raising her status' among her peers. Girls really need to build a sense of self value before they are old enough to date. The girls I know/knew who dated early held very different things in high regard, including their own dignity.

Dear mizzy,
You are going to have to realize she isn't going to tell you every thing and as she gets older she will keep more and more from you. Year by year your rules will have to be changed, altered and agreed on with her. I am assuming you have taught your daughter everything by now about sex, relationships, peer pressure etc. Trust you've done a good job in raising her. She will make mistakes and with luck they will be small ones. Reinforce your teachings on herpes and STDs with her and explain this is why you are fearful. Again trust her to use this information wisely. I would sit with her and perhaps and talk about revising your rules. The most important thing is to always remember you are not her friend you are her authority, disciplinarian and her support.
Sue...good luck

hey im 14 and I had a boyfriend when I was 11. I would just let her have a boyfriend. just make sure she understands the rules that you would give her.

If you invade her privacy its going to make her not want to tell you anything. My mom always looked through my things and it made me so mad I stopped talking to her about anything like that. It just ruins everything, so just trust that she will tell you.

Make sure you are open to her wanting to 'date' on a certain level. if you can call it that. Just offer to let her and her 'boyfriend' and a couple of their friends over to the house to watch movies, and hang out, that way you can keep an eye on them and even hear (without eaves dropping) snipits of conversations to make sure they aren't talking about sex/drugs.

The world is changing. I am 18 and have been engaged for almost 3 years now. Crazy, I know. I was young, but I am sure everything for her is social and just regular preteen/teenager stuff. AT 11 I dont expect her to even take her own relationships seriously. By the time you read this she will probably have had 3 or 4 'boyfriends' after this one already.

just like I said, let her hang out around the house. Be the 'cool' parent and let her 'chill' with her boyfriend and their friends and you can keep an eye on her. Not in a nosy parent way but an 'I'm looking out for your safety' kind of way. Just note severe personality changes, they can be bad. But if you let her hang around the house you can see more how they interact with each other and how her personality is changing at this time in general. It will also let you get to know the boy better. You dont have to be nosy, especially if you are TRUELY open with her sharing things with you. The best parent is one who listens and accepts what the child is saying. She will do what she wants if you forbid her or not, better to know a few things you wont like hearing and being able to help guide her through it than not knowing and possibly risking her harm.

I wish you lots of luck. Oh, and one last bit of advice, make sure you tell her you love her and comfort her a lot, because there will be times when she is going to go through things that she CANT tell you, but she will still need your support to make the right decisions on her own.

I was 11 2 years ago and had a boyfriend and we kissed on the cheek.It wasnt a big thing if your daughter and her boyfriend are responsible for their actions then they wont go any farther than kisses on the cheeks

Kisses on the cheek are NO BIG DEAL. Your daughter might be mad at you and think that you are too strict of a parent . I think that it's good to let her have a 'boyfriend.' She needs to learn this stuff sometime, right?

well, I never tell my mom what goes on because in know that shed get really mad, and my mom NEVER understands anything that I tell her, but I think youd just have to confrunt her that she can tell you anything, and that you wont be mad, but I also think that kisses on the cheek would be fine, but just tell her that the lips are going to have to wait until later.

Well I never told my mom anything
I never told her who my boyfriend was or anything
My mother Was very strict with having a boyfriend
That made me mad and I did all that stuff anyways
But I think you should let her kiss him
But nuthing farther untill shes older
Im still in middle school
But Most of the kids that go to my school
Already kissed someone before they were in middle school
But most of the time Kids get mad at their parents for being to strict
And they go out and do stuff they parents tell them not to

I didn't even get a 'boyfriend' until I was 12. I'm a pretty girl, I just never was interested. And I was never actually INTERESTED in guys seriously until I was 13 or 14, and I never had an actual crush (when you're younger it's mostly obsession) until I was 14, and that's when I got with my boyfriend now, and I'm 17 and still with him.

You need to tell her why you don't want her kissing him yet, why it's better to wait, what it leads to and why she needs to stray from that. I'd say a good time for a girl to start kissing is maybe 14? Any earlier than that, it might lead to things that a girl doesn't need to be doing even quicker. Be informative with her, but not too informative. Talk with her every day. Just don't overwhelm her, freak her out, or make her feel uncomfortable (if she tells you things, most likely you've been doing the right thing with her!)

--I will tell you one thing. my mother always snooped through my stuff when I was 14 because she was afraid I was doing stuff that I shouldn't be, which I wasn't) and I got mad at her so much back then. even though it was only 3 years ago, I have matured tremendously and I'm VERY GLAD that she did that. if she hadn't, I know that a few things in my life would be different, and she saved me from that.

don't make her hate you, but be firm with her. if she gets mad at you over something, she might act on it anyway just because you said not to (rebel). even though I grew up and realized my mother was right, I DID get angry back then, and even though I thought I understood what she was saying at the time, I didn't.

She seems to have a smart head on her shoulders, but the truth is, at 11, having a boyfriend can lead to bad things. If she's just seeing him at school or church or something, that's fine. but I will tell you that hanging out with friends without adult supervision (even if there is an adult, make sure they will actually WATCH them) or even at each others' houses (if you and his parents think you are keeping an eye on them, stuff can still happen, I have heard stuff from friends with PROTECTIVE parents who didn't catch things)...don't let them hang out anywhere alone for a few years.

I hope I helped? I'm sorry if I didn't!

im 13 and I was kissing girls when I was 10.it isnt a big deal, I can see why you would think that though.11 is quite a young age, but if its just a cheek kiss theres nothing realy to worry about.set some boundaries, and if you see her go over those boundaries once give her a verbal warning.if she continues to break the rules begin to ground her, but NEVER forbid her to be near the boy.Thart wuld make her angry, and probably break the rules more.
good luck

You should get along with the parents and bring your kid.Then you can have them together and check on them once in awhile. Then if they go to say movies have them sit in the front and them in the back. Then you can give them some privicy. Just don't lie to them okay.

honestly I say just let it go. hell when I was 11 I lost my virginity so you should be happy she aint lieing to you bout that, but then again you never no.

most kids wont tell you stuff like this. your a very lucky parent. but if they tried to go as far as kissing, then they may try it again. but not tell you if your dtrict on that rule. I never kissed any of my bfs when I got into any relationship. and I am only 11 so I hope my young advice helps you. I would watch them but dont be stuck up their butts every minute. and dont interrogate her everyday when she gets home from school. it will only make things more akward, and the more akward, the less you will know on the matter. scratch that. correction: you wont know anything about it that she doesnt tell you. like I said, im 11 years old and im the same way with my mom. she used to know everything about the people I dated, now she only knows their name and possibly where they live if we're serious. she interrogted to much.
good luck! =]

well I work with kids from grades 1st-6th and from my expierence parents have made it a rule to their kids that they shouldn't date until their a certain age ( highschool maybe??) kids these days arn't afraid of the opposite sex any more. I work with this one girl who lost her virginity when she was 12. I WOULD BE WORRIED TOO. but I suggest you set some boundaries with your daughter before it gets to serious

If she beleives she is mature enough, let her go for it. If you are VERY uncomfortable with it, talk to her about it. If she disagrees, their relationship needs to stop.

when I was eleven my best friend had a boyfriend and they would french kiss which I think is perfectly normal so no offense, but don't overeact about a kiss on the cheek.