Married and wanting to have an affair,a little excitement .like w

Well I#039;ve been married for quite a few years and have 2 kids.Husband is a great guy but I#039;m not in love with him.I don#039;t want to leave my marriage for a number of reasons,kids financial reasons and my family would flip.I#039;m just not...

sexually attracted to my husband.I want some excitment.I#039;ve tried rekindling my love for my husband to no avail.I#039;ve had an affair and enjoyed it but felt really guilty because this other guy got married and his wife got pregant.Now I#039;ve established this close friendship with this guy at work and want to have an affair and he does to but afraid because I#039;m married.Should I follow my heart like the saying goes and go for the affair or just deal with my life the way it is,which isn#039;t really bad.I just want to have some excitement and the feeling of being with someone my age and my interest which this guy is.The age difference between me and my husband is 10 years.Another reason I like tyhis guy is he is sooo cute and very sweet,and innocent seeming.Does this make any since?

Would you tell your husband of 19 years? If you do is it still an affair? I think an affrair is great to feel sooo much again. Wonderful to know that you still have something that could turn someone else on. This you don't get from a book or a friend telling you. You get it from the experience if you aren't getting it from my husband. I for example got my hair cut today. My husband did not notice and if he were asked what I am wearing, he would not know. This sucks!!!

An affair is a quick fix to a bigger situation but for me, it helps.

roundaboutalley -

To answer the question - no if you tell him - it's not an affair right?

I do want to feel something. My birthday was yesterday and noone even said Happy Birthday. I'm so hurt - when I finally said something of course my husband said he was sorry and 'you know I love you. Go out and buy something special.' - that's not the point. It's at a point where I just don't believe in him any more. I don't believe there is any passion left there. And I'm so hurt and tired of working on this all alone that I'm ready to give up. But the woman inside of me wants some attention - so an affair. While as you say is not a solution - it would do something for me - it would help me feel alive again. Because at this point - I'm miserable and feel worthless.

housemouse

Happy Birthday to you. I am so sorry about the day. I know it wasn't the present, it was the fine details, wonderful gestures of love and understanding which is capable of moving a mountain! So what's wrong with listening to the woman inside you? I totally read what some people wrote about not having an affair and completely understand, but things are not so easy. sometimes it takes a while to separate from someone. sometimes you need 100 proofs before you finally get it. Our society is not conditioned to live alone and that is scarry. I've been through a divorce already, no kids, but it was very difficult for both of us. We are close now but who can tell if that will ever happen.

I say, don't be afraid, try going out for dinner, see how that feels. Even to have a man recognize you across the table will be an improvement. The feeling of you wanted to get dressed up is a turn on...

I don't want to say that a man's opinion of you gives you worth, because to feel worthy is composed of so many parts, but it will feel nice, and you will know that you CAN feel something different for someone else.

In the mean time, also do things to pamper yourself. What ever that may be. Have someone give you a message, or get your nails done or what ever it is that you would consider pampering yourself and in the mean time...see how else you feel.

roundaboutalley -

Thank you.

There is a man that is interested in me. A friend of mine through some volunteer work - doesn't even know my husband so that is good.

We email one another daily and have shared a passionate kiss. It was absolutely wonderful and yet the scareiest moment of my life.

He knows how committed I am to my family and has even said that he doesn't think I could live with the guilt. He is married also. His wife just doesn't enjoy sex - period. He knew it and married her and they cuddle and kiss but that's it according to him. They have no children and she has no idea is so frustrated that he is looking for someone to have an affair with.

So - going into it - I know up front that it's not a serious situation. That's good and bad right?

I don't need serious - I need to have some stimulation that isn't my own.

But I do have children and I do have responsibilities and I do love my husband.

Flowers just arrived - 2 days late but a dozen roses were just delivered to my house - do I forgive him and put off the affair?

See this is the thing - after a month with no attention and feeling like I was rejected yet again - the man ends up coming back to bed one morning and we have amazing sex. The evening before I had decided to tell my friend that I would meet him at a hotel during the week. Well - I backed out.

Now - this - last night I decided - go for it. What do I really have to loose? Would my husband be hurt - yes if he ever found out but would he leave me? No.
Could I live with myself - I wasn't sure - however I was so hurt I was willing to risk it.

Now the flowers are here - what a mess.

I still don't know weither to move forward or not - now - I don't feel I can - I have to try once more to get through to my husband that all of this matters - but I need sexual attention as well as the flowers.

BTW the card has apologies and happy birthday but doesn't say I love you.

Should I read something into that? He has called and said he loves me - again - I just don't know any more.

Perhaps wait for your instincts to tell you something else? What is your feeling when you close your eyes? It's great you had amazing sex with your husband.

Flowers are great, but there has to be more than that, no? I've been having an affair since April. We've been through lots of up and down. Emotional about our time together and apart. Sometimes I delete his number from my phone, don't here from him for a week or two and then he calls again. He says I am non-judgemental about him and life. But there are things I would love in a relationship whip I don't get from him and I am learning about that. But sex is great, our talks are awesome, and I feel great when I am with him. Hate the sneaking around and when I spend too much time with him, I start to feel the guilt. That part I do not like.

But it is all a learning experience, and we are very comfortable with each other. In a way, we create a fantasy for each other. We are both married, both have kids, the same age and sometimes we speak about our families. He makes me laugh which I love and at this point, I am leaning alot about myself. Sometimes it allows me to tolerate aspects of my other life.

Our partners don't know. I would be mortified if they ever found out. If I were dating him like any normal relationship, the gult would not be there. That is disturbing.

Feel your heart and see what your image tells you. Do you think you need to decide now? Is it about making a choice? Because you love one, does that mean you can't have an interest for another?

you don't need to go all the way. Just have a nice meal or something aand that may guide you in a better direction.

roundaboutalley -

I know others continue to say that an affair will always be found out but ... somehow when your marriage isn't a priority for both - I can't see how unless you are thoughtless and unkind. You're right though - it would be the worst for the family and kids to be hurt and that is where the guilt lies.

I'm feeling calmer - and I'm not going to make any rash decisions about rushing into someone elses arms for comfort.

That's not even remotely the 'reason' I'm interested in an affair. And as trashy as it may sound - it's just a product of being horny! lol - I say that but it's about wanting to feel desired and alive. I have gotten to a point where I just want to feel ... something!

My mind keeps telling me all the things 'I know' -

1. you can't rely on someone else to make you happy
2. you can't make someone else happy if they are not
3. there is more to this then a physical - itch for lack of a better word.

And I will slow down and take more time to look at this - but thanks for the encouragement to follow my heart.

LOL - just which it could decide which way to go before I get dizzy going in circles!

housemouse

One thing i thought about, to do along with anything else you may want to do or think about is speak with your husband about your feelings. When you both have time and the desire to speak?

It's difficult for my husband and I, close to impossible, but I think that that would be a great thing to do. To learn more about yourselves and what you want.

do you respect each other? Just a question which is important.

your list is good. and you are right.

sometimes you even get answers from the questions you ask yourself.

Hope all else is going well for you.

It pains me to read this stuff. A few months ago, I had an affair with two different people. I am a young mother of 2 and my husband is 12 years older than me. It began with this lie in my head that an affair was something I 'deserved'. I committed my life to this older man, I didn't capitalize on my youth, etc. So many lies. The affairs were exciting, the lust is intoxicating, but the pain and the guilt afterwards is beyond what I can describe. I confessed these affairs to my husband shortly after and I couldn't bare the see the pain in h

PLEASE READ! I believe my previous post accidently cut short. Like I was saying, I cheated on my husband and I can tell you, IT'S NOT WORTH IT. Where is our restraint? and when did we begin believing that it was up to our spouse to make our life exciting? This is a partnership that is fueled by love, admiration and respect for each other. Do you remember when you and your husband were first dating? Remember the lust, attraction, excitement. It would be only natural that those superficial emotions would eventually fade away and be replaced with something stronger and more enriching. In every marriage, the lust subsides. Why would you disrespect your husband, disrespect your children and yourself for the sake of recapturing something that you and your husband once had? I contemplated this for months and did research and read forums warning me of how STUPID it is to have an affair. The result? I did it anyway. I can begin to tell you how painful it is for me to look in my adoring husband's eyes and tell him he's the only man that captures my heart, my mind and my body. I told him about the affair shortly after it occured. Ladies, did we expect marriage to be an unwithering circle of hot steamy sex and roses? What the hell? I don't know how I fell for such a lie. Marriage is powerful. You dedicate yourselves to each other to help each one become a better version of themselves. You create a new generation and partner up together in raising helpful, decent citizens and human beings. What power that is! The problem is that we have this fake, superficial idea of what is supposed to make us feel ALIVE. HOT sex in the car, feeling DESIRED by some man other than YOUR man. Thanks to television and in my opinion (Satan), we are fed lies in order to bring us to the edge and destroy what is the very foundation of this country: strong marriages and strong families. And we are led believe that we're not hurting anyone...it's something we NEED to do for ourselves. If you respect your husband, your marriage, your kids and yourself, you will GET UP and get the HELP you need. I wish I would've done that instead of being afraid to ask for help. I fell into the monsters pit and there's not ONE day that goes by that I don't regret it. I don't have the perfect husband, and I am not the perfect wife. But we TALK a lot now and we've identified each others needs. Mine are the need for affection and sexual fullfillment, conversation, recreational companionship. His are the need to feel admired and respected by me. Every person has needs that their spouse is ABLE to fullfill for them. It begins with communicating those needs DIRECTLY and making a COMMITMENT to fullfill them for your spouse. That's how you know you love them. If you are willing and working towards meeting your spouses needs, even when it requires some sacrifice on your part. The lust and the need to feel DESIRED? Give me a break. The affair will bring you that for a short while. INFATUATION IS SHORT! Don't you know this already? Remember the dating days with hubby? It is bound to wear off and will either be replaced with true love and commitment or a tiring of the person. Before you know it, you will be running off to find the next affair and hurting everyone you love. Rekindling the fire with your spouse is possible, but it takes commitment. There's nothing sexier than having sex with the person you will grow old with. Every time is a renewal of your vows and a renewal of your commitment to build a strong family. Get creative and get professional help. If you're still not willing, then it's not possible that you love your husband...it just isn't. In that case, a separation is best for you, for him, and yes, for your children. ANYONE READING THIS, please don't make the mistake I did, and if you're in an affair already, CONFESS to your husband, and both of you GO get good counseling. Marriage today is under attack. Either you can stand strong and save yours or you can listen to foolishness and regret. I wish I made the right choice. I guess I feel like maybe if I write this, I can help some women make the right choice and it will help me heal. Please, if you can do anything after this, separate lies from truth in your mind. Look at your wedding pictures and remember the days of infatuation with your love. Fortunately, those days have become a beautiful marriage with limitless potential and not just 'another fling.' Here is a website that has been extremely helpful in dealing with affairs and their affects as well as helping you understand your marriage and your spouse so that you can AVOID an affair. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
They deal with EVERYTHING regarding affairs, including emotional needs (which seems to be why most women are having affairs), sexual desire with your spouse, ending affairs, etc. READ all you can! There are tons of articles about this, and I believe it's the first step, then you should go get a counseler/coach to hold you accountable and help you both save your marriage.
Best Wishes to all of you.

Youngwise -

You make sense and I wish you peace now that you are trying to rebuild your marriage. Time after time people that have affairs have admited it was a mistake. There will always be an allure though and I believe each couples story is different.

I agree with you and always have felt that we are responsible for our own happiness however, when you are part of a couple there are things that are tied to another person and their responses to you.

And as good an idea as couseling might be - I believe both parties have to be open to working with someone and well ... frankly that isn't the common thing that I have heard happening.

In my case it's not even an option to be discussed.

Congratulations on haveing such great communications in your marriage - it's not the same for all of us and it's easier said than done.

In my life - I've hit a wall - 1) My husband is happy with life the way it is and isn't interested in discussing any changes he sees no need 2) My family is happy and funtional and I don't want to disrupt that.

Have I heard the message - 'Acceptance is key'? - yes - again easier said than done.

So the delima remains - is an affair wrong? - I think everyone agrees - it's not the answer to any problem and yes it's 'wrong' - socially and religiously.

The bottom line - noone can make the call for you. You will either give in to temptation or not. You may feel guilty OR you may not. You may find that it wasn't worth it or it maybe what gives you the courage to go on. You might then delve deeper and find the 'real' questions and answers in your marriage. Or you just might take whatever you can get out of life and keep moving.

Peace.

Sorry to say this but it is a sin! That is commitin ADULTERY!!! talk to your wife/husband about it and pray to God tohelp you. with God NOTHING IS IMPOSIBLE!!!
hope this works!!!

ok here it goes you either stay with him for all the rong reasons,which is so wrong for so many reasons, if you do have an affair then you are making it worse for urselff and doing that to your husband is completely selfish and totally not fair for sake give him respect. Though if it's over for the both of you there is no love for him leave him do it the right way, ow and remember you'r kids you cant stay in a lovless relationship for them because they will get older and they are not stupid they will relize your lies. Or the other option is spice up you'r sex life roll play pretend you'r strangers. Take care okxx

I have read some of the answers here. I sympathize with you, men forget we are women once we get married. My husband sees his wife, the mother of his children etc. He forgets that part of the reason I married him was the passion we had when we were dating, the attention he paid to me. I say go for it, have an affair , have as many as you need. We live only once and men need to start understanding that the women they married still love to be with them but they stop reciprocating. It is why I have come to realize marriage is a bad idea for women, when we are young men are attentive, they marry us and then try to make us their mothers. You are not his mother and you deserve to live the life you need to have.

I have read some of the answers here. I sympathize with you, men forget we are women once we get married. My husband sees his wife, the mother of his children etc. He forgets that part of the reason I married him was the passion we had when we were dating, the attention he paid to me. I say go for it, have an affair , have as many as you need. We live only once and men need to start understanding that the women they married still love to be with them but they stop reciprocating. It is why I have come to realize marriage is a bad idea for women, when we are young men are attentive, they marry us and then try to make us their mothers. You are not his mother and you deserve to live the life you need to have.

I don't know what its like to be in this situation at all, but I heard this thing on tv about this guy wanting to cheat and this lady was like just look at the other males all day and go home and give it to your husband'
but... I guess males change by the sounds of the posts here.

Dont do it! If he finds out, you will lose your marriage and your kids. If you're unhappy then it is better to get a divorse then to be sneaky. You would be lieing to your kids and yourself if you go sleeping around. Is a little excitment worth losing everything? Dont try to please other people...do the right thing...theres a reason why you're feeling guilty. Dont be dishonest to your family...they are really all you have!

Wow this is really old, but, that's pretty selfish if you ask me.

Are you still looking for a great way to reconnect, find some definite excitement, and figure out what you want? Tune in, turn on, and drop out. You can reanalyze what you thought you knew and decide for yourself what you really want. Chances are though that this isn't a problem anymore considering it was posted 4 years ago.

What is selfish? SELFISH? And what is it's opposite? Is it's opposite better?

You know - the original post might be 4 years old - but there are still women and men that wrestle with the issues discussed here DAILY.

A lot of us talk about RISK and Worth and while those things have to be considered. I also think many people feel TRAPPED in marriages. It's easy to say - get out and be honest about things. OR add some spice.

If you have every tried to speak up or add spice to your marriage and failed - OMG - what it can do to your self esteem.

Having an affair - or even just flirting with someone new can change your attitude about yourself so quickly. Should it be - intellectually I can say no that shouldn't - but in my life - the reality is that when I feel good about myself and I feel like I'm still sexually attractive - I'm a happier mommy. I'm even a better wife - if it means I'm making a home my husband wants to live in.

My husband is older and he just has lost so much interest in anything sexual. It's very sad and I have been trying for so long to find a 'cause' and a solution but it's just not there. He isn't willing to face it - he is HAPPY with things the way they are. Do I feel trapped - yes - I do. Will I leave no - I won't. Am I 'trolling' for a man - no I'm not. But I have developed a friendship that has sparked me to feeling better about me and although it has ended. Very nicely I might add. The brief contact with another man being able to have passionate kisses and someone to listen to my thoughts and desires ... it was a wonderful interlude in my less than perfect life.

I think roundaboutalley and I agree - being selfish means you are more concerned about your own desires and welfare than others. If you are in a marriage where your spouse is content to live without romance, your children are taken care of, you are working together and functioning as a family unit - wouldn't it be selfish to upset the apple cart if all you really needed was a little friendship and companionship that could be discrete and you could come back to the family a happier person?