Is time ruining us or are we in love?

Let me first of all start of by saying I am 34 years of age-married for 3 years, but my Husband and I have been together for 13 years, and during those 13 years we've had our ups and downs. We have 3 children an 11 year old and a set of twins that are...

3 years old. Growing up as a teenager, I could really have a boyfriend or date until I was 18. So I spent most of time with me. I had guys that were attractive to me and I was attractive to them, but knowing how strict my parents where I didn't try to sneak and do anything. Well when I was a senior in high school I met this guy who did not attend my school but another high school on the other side of town. We talked, dated etc. this was my first love. Every thing I did that you do in a relationship was the first time and it was with him, I'm talking about holding, hands, hugging, kissing, movies etc. However we never had sex, and he never pressured me either. Well, to make long story short, his ex girlfriend came back and our relationship/friendship ended. I was devastated. But over the years I appreciated the break up, because it taught me things about myself , guys, and choices you make in life. Anyway a couple years went by and he made his way back into my life. I was still a virgin at the age of 20. I talked to other guys in between 3 year gap, but just couldn’t get passed my first love. We’ll we rekindle our relationship, although it was brief, but It didn’t hurt as much as it did the first time. Over the years some kind of way we always found each other and contacted each other, never to rekindle anything, because we both had kids and new it wouldn’t be a wise thing to do, so I conversations where just how are you , how’s your family type of conversations. The following year I met my husband, it wasn’t like I was attracted to him, or he was attracted to me, we worked for the same company but in different departments. We started out as simple friends, and then it turned into a relationship, we did everything together. I fell in love. A year later we had a son. We were not married or living together, but we had a very good relationship we were devoted to one another, and talked about marriage, and really building a life together. My son was born in 1995 and in 1996 my husband had an affair with a 19 year old. I was unaware of the affair which went on for 10 months. Later when I thought about it, all of the signs were there, I just didn’t act upon them. My husband now/ then boyfriend, would have this girl over every night, and the spent nights together, his family knew her and knew what he was doing but no one said anything to me. Well he did everything possible to cover up this affair of course, but I soon found out. And when I did he still wanted to pursue a relationship with the person, unlike when me and my ex see or talk to each other, we never try to rekindle, I mean we talk what if talk but we both respect each other lives, not to jeopardize anything, we are content just maintaining the friendship. Well after my husband affair with this 19 year old I was even more devastated, I lost me, I started questioning myself as a person, lover, ect. I had very ,very low self esteem, this cut was deeper than the cut my first boyfriend placed upon me. So it took a while to get over it.

Still I wanted to be with my husband, and now thinking about it, I didn’t want him to run and be with her, so I stayed to try to work it out. I moved out of my parents home, and told my husband/then boyfriend of my plans. He didn’t want to at first but later decided to move in with me and our son. Of course I still had trust issue ,because this girl was still trying to contact my husband/then boyfriend. Over a period of time, I found me again, and became this stronger women. But then started questing myself, is he really the one for me. I mean my husband/then boyfriend was a great provider, and a great father to our son. I guess the fear of starting over, and having men in out of my son’s life, helped me make the decision to hang in there. Well as more time past, I wasn’t physically attractive anymore, but still tried to work it out. I informed my husband then boyfriend how I felt. Well several years later passed, my husband/then boyfriend became a better man, and person. But I don’t know about me, I think to much had happened and it wasn’t there 100%. My husband proposed to me, and by then we had 2 more kids, twin girls. Again, I wanted to provide a family structure for my kids, so I told myself this could work. I mean I love my husband, but don’t know if I am in love with him. We are really great as friends, we talk on the phone a lot whenever we are away from each other, but when we get home together it’s not the same at least for me. My husband is head over heels in love with me, he has expressed there is no one else for him, and I believe him. I just can’t say the same, that’s why I question my love for him. I want to be able to feel the same way he does but just don’t know why I don’t..

We still have issues with our sex life, he’s not romantic, no foreplay, he just get right to it, and I’ve expressed that that’s a turn off, I cannot recall the last time I felt like my husband made love to me. Every time we have sex it feels like wham bam, ok we are done, I am never pleased. I’ve expressed to my husband over and over, that I am not happy with our sex life. I given him tips on how to help get me in the mood. I told him it’s more so in your mind not your body. He forces himself upon me, even when he has yet to reach a full erections he has to hurry up before what little reaction he has vanishes. I’ve told my husband he is being very selfish and only thinking about himself. Still no improvement, I’ve told my husband to start working out to build more stamina maybe that will help. Still no improvement. Well a couple of days ago, I went on line, and I am a member of this classmate site. I found my first love, and I emailed him and told him to call me at work and also gave him my email address. Well my husband found out, and he was furious of course. I explained to my husband that we (my first love) have always stayed in contact. I never mention anything to my husband because we never acted on anything, as I stated it’s always how are you, how’s the family type of conversations, we don’t arrange to see each other or anything, we talk for a couple of days and then we don’t talk for another 4 to 5 years. So know my husband has this trust thing, and I kind of have a non chalet attitude. I’m not trying to force the issue or anything he’s just trying to do everything in his power to make sure I don’t contact or that my first love doesn’t contact me. I am not the least bit upset, because I know nothing would becoming of me talking to him. So my question is, am I allowing my first love to get in the way? Or love has just faded away. I love my husband but love him more as a friend, but we are married with children, I don’t want to have sex with him because I am not physically attracted to him. Can this marriage survive?

Wow, I cant believe that I read everything. It was great. Keeps getting more and more interesting
You should be a writer or something hehe.
But yeah.. I dont know what to say..

But you asked
I don’t want to have sex with him because I am not physically attracted to him. Can this marriage survive?

In the 1st place.. how did the 2 of you get married and have kids and still have this problem. Was it something he did? was it something you did?

its always nice to think back but should always regretting on what you do because its life experience.

but should *** NOT *** always regretting on what you do because its life experience.