My current love sick boyfriend doesnt deserve to be left

Okay..*sigh* I can't believe im actually writing this down, I guess that means its real..I've been trying my best to convince myself that its not, that I don't feel sad and that my random lack of motivation isn't anything to worry about. But im almost...

in tears now so I guess its time to write.

I have an ex-boyfriend that I dated for 2 years, my frist boyfriend, his first serious girlfriend. We lost our virginity together after months of learning about ourselves and one another sexually. I can't describe that first year, it was incrediable. I can honestly say I loved him. We met through friends, I was instantly drawn to his unusual gothic style and he instantly picked on my innocent school girl ways. (the kind of bugging someone does when they like you-thats how his behavior was to me) which was okay, because we were both inexpierienced in that department, he was 15, I was 14. I attempted to roller skate for the first time and ended up falling into his arms while he tried to help me skate around (which he never did before to anyone, because he was a very talented skater). We were hooked, I would walk to his house or to meet him somewhere in -30c(freezing) weather just to see him for a few minutes after school. over those 2 years we'd had amazing joyful memories, holidays, and our own we made. We have both told each other that we have been the bestfriends each other has ever known. We went through good and bad times, I took care of him everytime his lungs wanted to give out, his father passed away from cancer, I met my biological mother. no one person in this world has ever ment more to me. Thing went wrong, on my part because I was so young and strived for knowledge. I did cheat, more then once, in a way that I didn't understand exactly what I was doing and I still can't understand why other then I was still curious to learn about what was our there, but I know I never wanted to hurt him. We got back together after that, and he cheated on me. An eye for an eye right, well I was furious and we broke up. We got back together another time after spending a summer apart, we both dated other people that we weren't perticularily interested in, and that entire summer I was a wreak of heartbreak thinking he didnt want me. He claims he was too scared to trust me then. We got back together after that summer, he took up the habit of drinking which I use to enjoy too from time to time. But one night came where my father got in a car accident and when I told him he stayed at the party he was at and ignored my phone calls, got drunk, and I spent the night on the phone with my ex from the summer, because I couldnt be at the hospital and needed someone to talk too while worrying about both my dad and my then boyfriend. I broke up with him for a month until we got back together and he vowed not to drink, we spent a lot of time together, skipped school on a attepmt to strengten our relastionship which was really us trying to be together all the time and pretend we trusted each other apart. We each failed a class. My trust was shot and I was coming close to physically lashing out at him. Not like punching, but like flinging my arms in rage and even kicking a few times. I was worried about every girl and every where he went, so he had enough of that and broke the 'no-drinking' promise and I went to him when it happend and left him. He told me then he was sorry, and that he loved me and didnt want me to break up with him but I was upset and did anyway. That was april 30th 2009.

I met this guy named jason in may, who I began to date, and actually sort of fell for...I think. We've been dating for almost 5 months now. And he is a real charmer, my parents adore him, my bestfriend likes him and hes incredibily sweet to me. Buys me coffee all the time and the nights I can't see him because of hmrk he brings it over for me, and a few nights he brought me a coffee(timmys) even when I wasnt home. Brought me roses for our 4 months, and let me tell you he's really crazy about me. He talks about the future, marriage, perhaps children which is what I've alway wanted too. But I went to the fair with my ex in july, I went to our favorite concert togeher a few weeks ago, and since school started in septemeber (im in grade 12-graduating this year, so is he) he's even harder to forget. I remember when we were dating, we went to the same high school we do now. And despite our bad times I remember the good times and how wonderful I felt. I use to be close to an honors student, now im barely passing. I don't understand why im not motivated anymore but I know I was much more motiveated with him. I feel good with him, and sick everyday when hes not there. I miss him, I know I feel useless and like im waiting for him everytime we text each other and he doesnt reply right away...when my bfr texts me im waiting for a reply from my ex I feel a bit dissapointed that its not him and I know thats not right. And believe me we've both tried cutting each other out of our lives but that doesnt last long, we know that doesnt work out. Now the winter is approching and I can't help but remember christmas's with him, last christmas he game me a promise ring, I wear it on a chain around my neck low enoguh so it goes in my shirt-no one knows. He still goes to my school, but doesnt live in walking distance from my house-moved across the city actually-but that doesnt matter to me at all, of course. Every song reminds me of him, and im reminded everyday by my family and boyfriend that the boy im dating now is an angel, as sweet as can be I feel like somethings wrong here. I don't belong here. Even though I felt left out with my ex's friends. (they like to party all the time.) I usually do what I can thats bennifical for my school work, so I can get into a nursing program eventually.

Heres whats really upset me: my told me he still dreams of going to grad with me. When he said this I wanted to go running and jump into his arms and squeeze him but im taken, of course I didnt. I've dremt about grad with him for years, and also while dating my current boyfriend. My current boyfriend wants the future so bad, he really loves me and hes not my first love but he is the love of my little-girl dreams, hes perfect for me. If I would have met him first maybe I wouldnt feel this way about my ex. I don't want to risk loosing my current boyfriend if I find out going back with my ex was a mistake. But we both feel like we've grown in our time apart, I won't ask him not to drink anymore, im ready to open my heart and party or whatever makes him happy. I don't want to change him at all anymore because I miss who he is, and I love who he always was. And hes willing to wait for me to make a decision by grad at least. My ex said I love you, and I just want you to be happy. If that means with him, then don't let me stop you, his arms are wide open I'm sure. Of course I have hope that one day I'll be with you again, I'll always have that. Im sorry , I really am.
But my current love sick boyfriend (im his first girlfriend btw) doesnt deserve to be left, or strung along like this and I don't knwo what to do. Does my ex deserve another chance? Does that exactly matter when im depressed right now without him, won't it be worth the risk? This could affect my whole future and believe me if I had the slightest idea what to do I wouldnt be writing on this website. Soul serching aint workin. :'( pleaaase reply,

What do I do?!

im in the same situation. taylor swif'ts song the way I loved you is pretty much describing your situation. follow your intuition girl. no one can tell you what to do here.

Im ready to open my heart and party or whatever makes him happy

I MENT, let him party. I can be abit of a party girl every once and awhile but not
every weekend.

Wow I love Taylor Swift but I've never heard this one yet.
Im crying like a stupid baby, haha. I'm still just as confused...
but thanks for letting me know about this song. Its so true.

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better

He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says, you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I've been screamin' and fightin'
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space and never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing, and I'm comfortable

But I've been screamin' and fightin'
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you

OMG you have a really similar situation to the one I'm in... if it's not too much could you answer my question?

I'll try my best to answer yours...

This existence is obviously miserable, youre finding it impossible to stop thinking about your ex, and the amazing memories dont help .. (same exact situation as me)
but yet your new boyfriend is amazing you also love him and dont want to hurt him(again same as me)

This might sound silly, but maybe you should follow your heart. You only live once, and its not worth it to live a miserable, longing, life. If it would truely make you happy to be with your ex, then maybe you should.. But its impossible to do so without hurting your current boyfriend... You will have to hurt him, and its the hardest thing in the world to do... but time will heal him, he will move on eventually, after all, your his first girlfriend, there are plenty of other oppritunities for him.. and if he really loves you, he will be happy that you are happy.

But sitting around doing nothing is obviously hurting you... find what satisfys your heart, and if thats getting back with your ex, please do that!

I may be an idiot, but I believe in true love.. but love works in weird ways... I wish you the best of luck and hope you may find happiness again no matter what happens.

OKAY so my suggestion is tell your current boyfriend that you there is still a part of you that is in love with this other guy! Tell him what you just typed up here! It sounds hard I know but he needs to know exactly what is going on. Let him know that you are falling for him, but you still feel like you belong with your ex! I have a feeling he will know exactly what you mean! and I also think thats what is going on. You do love your ex, because he was your first and you were really close, he hurt you though, and you hurt him. Your relationship with him will never grow if you can't trust each other.
As far as the current boyfriend I think part of you wants him because he is so excepted in your family, and he fits your dreams! Tell him how you feel about everything, but then what I am going to suggest next will be what helps you the most, okay.
Take break from ALL boys! don't date for a few months, keep in contact and hang out with them, but nothing physical and let them both know that! then think really hard about what you feel is the right way, because no one but you knows that! If you do this(and I strongly encourage it) then tell your ex and current boyfriend that is what you are doing. just say hey I am taking a break to figure out my mind, who I am, and who I want. I care about you deeply but I need sometime to figure this all out. I wont be dating anyone else so don't worry about that, just give me the time I need to understand whats going on. or something along those lines!
maybe even go off to college and see where your life takes you from there!
I hope I was of some help, and well good luck!
if you need to talk to someone feel free to fun mail me anytime.

Ok - this advice thing usually comes super natural to me, but I admit you have caused me to ponder. Ok these are my thoughts on this. Boy 1 is the first love and you two have a special connection and bond and reacted how most people would in the situations- in regards to cheating, and you feeling physical, and jealous and co-dependant. That stuff is because ya'all were not ready for a truly serious, mature relationship- you wanted to see what was out there, he wanted to party, etc. So ya 'all had bad timing. Boy 2 is wonderful - make sure you are being fair to him. out of respect you may want to cool things off with him. He is wonderful on paper, but if he's not in your mind in heart- he needs to know - just be real and honest with him. Ok - so, you are a senior- if you were still in jr high I may answer slightly different but you are getting to the point where you need to make good choices!! The choices you make today will affect you tomorrow. You need to think about how boy 1 influences you- you said he motivates you but ya'all also seem to go down together- skipping, failing, partying, etc. That doesnt mean hes bad or its a bad relationship- it just means people influence us in different ways. I feel like if you pursue boy 1 you are gonna get side tracked with your life and make decisions based on what it takes to have him around. he may need some time to grow up and get over the partying thing- its a phase, it doesnt get you anywhere. Do you really want to be the girlfriend that 'puts up with the drinking' come on! that is not your problem you need to adopt. You and boy 1 have trust issues up to wazoo- those are not gonna just vanish- but they will just encourage jealousy and controlling behaviors- no fun! I'm sure you and boy 1 had some seriously good and meaningful times but that doesnt mean he is right for you and your life. Be careful what you decide- consider it will affect you down the road. You tried it with boy 1 - so have no regrets. You have to look out for you! Boy 2 should at least prove to you that there are guys out there that you wont have to convince to stop drinking and partying, etc. GOOD LUCK!!! hope I helped.

Find you! Maybe with the help of friends. A boy should not describe your whole life; your future, your family, the people who will always be there: those the the things you should focus on. Just take a breather and figure out what you want but don't string them both along. If you figure out that either of them is not what you want in the long run, cut the strings that connect you and let them find someone who will love them forever. You need to find someone who you'll love forever as well, you deserve it, everyone does. You can't be with who you love for now if you believe it will change your whole future. The truths: 1. you want to get better at school become a nurse 2. you love both these boys, probably in completely different ways 3. you need to let them go; at least for not. not for good but enough to figure your stuff out. Baby, you need the help with this.

As long as you love me. I'll always love you.