anybody have any good jokes?

Anybody have any good jokes. Im bored and need to laugh

A young sailor was excited to meet the oldest sailor in the marina to hear some of his stories. When he met the old sailor he didn't disappoint because he certainly looked the part. He had a peg leg, a hook for one hand and a patch over one eye. They talked for hours drinking grog. Finally the young sailor worked up the courage to ask about the peg leg. The old sailor said that in a storm the boom mast broke and crushed his leg so it had to be amputated. Then he asked about the hook. "Pirates!" the old sailor told him, "they tied me up when they plundered my ship and they tied the rope so tight that I got gangrene in my hand and lost it!" Then the young sailor asked about the patch on his eye. The old sailor said, "It was a beautiful day, sunny and not a cloud in the sky when a seagull flew over me and shat in my eye!" "Wait one minute!" the young sailor objected, "you don't loose an eye because a bird poops in it!" "Well you see," the old sailor added, "it was my first day with the hook and..."

why did the bubblegum cross the rode?

because it was stuck to the chickens foot! lol

Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.

If you die today, I'd like to go to your funeral, but I would probably have to work. I believe in business before entertainment.

All I can think of for now.

Lttle Johnny and his dad go to the convenience store and his dad gets a beer, a pack of cigs, and a lottery ticket.
On the way home his dad opens the beer, takes asip, and lil Johnny asks 'what's that?' and his dad says this is a beer son. Then lil Johnny says 'can I have some?'
His dad replies, 'can your pee-pee touch your butthole?' and lil Johnny says 'no.'
His dad says 'then your not a man yet! You can't have any.'
After that he lights a cigarette and the same conversation ensues with the same result, 'you're not a man yet, you can't have any.'
but this time he hands lil Johnny the lotto ticket and says 'here, you can have this.'
Overjoyed, lil Johnny quickly scratches off the ticket and suddenly yells out, 'I WON! I WON A MILLION DOLLARS!!!'
His daddy says, 'I paid for that ticket, so you know half that's mine.'
to which lil Johnny replies, 'can your pee-pee touch your butthole?'
Daddy responds, 'yes son, it can.'
and Johnny retorts, 'then go screw yourself!'

guy walks into a bar right, see's a pot of gold under a donkey. so he asks the bartender, "hey whats that pot of gold for", bartender says, its for anyone who can make the donkey laugh. Guy say's ok, goes over and wispers in the donkey's ear. and the donkey starts laughing, so he takes the gold and leaves. next day walks into the same bar. another pot of gold under the donkey, guy asks, whats that pot of gold for. bartender reply's its for anyone who can make him cry. guy say's ok, can I take him outside for a second, bartender say's yes. guy comes back in with the donkey and the donkey's crying. So the bartender had to ask, how did you make him laugh and cry. Guy reply's. Well first I told him that I had a bigger d*ck than him to make him laugh. To make him cry I slapped him in the face with it...
I think its funny, lol

Oh, I thought of a good one...

A woman was driving down a dark wooded road with pine trees along the sides. While she was driving she saw a tree at the corner of her eye "Oh sh*t!!" she yelled as she swerved to the left. Then she saw another pine tree!!! grabbing the wheel as fast as she could she then swerved to the right. Then shes saw another pine tree and quickly she steered to the left...and yet anther PINE TREE!!!..She then hit the breaks and steered to the left again. Shes then saw the pine tree flip over and drove into a ditch and the airbags when off. She then realized...it was her scent-freshener...

a young girl wanted to ride a horse for the first time and was really excited. she slowly got onto the horse and the horse went off at a slow pace. then the horse started walking faster...and soon started running. the girl became very frightened and started slip. the horse went faster and faster and she was slipping off the edge more and more. soon her head started banging on the ground continuously and the only thing that was keeping her on the horse was her leg on the other side. her head started banging on the ground harder and harder and before she slipped into unconciousness... the walmart owner came outside and turned the ride off =) I got this from my mom BLONDE JOKES ARE AMAZING!!

fillet, lol. thats a good one

are blonde jokes okay?... cause this one always makes me laugh!!...

a brunette, red head and a blonde were discussing about the problems that they have with their dauguters at a bar one day. the brunette says " I found beer bottles under my daughter's bed the other day, I think she's becoming an alcoholic!!" the red head says, "you think that's bad!!, I found packs of ciggarets under my daughter's bed, I think she's becomming addicted to smoking!" then the blonde says, "if you guys think that's bad...my daughters the worst!! I found condoms under her bed!! - I think she's a man!" LOL... I died when my friend told me that joke!! ahahah hope you laughed too!! =)

Gracia, that was a funny one!