Is it unhealthy to hate your father?

I am one of three boys. We were each roughly three years apart.

At a very young age, my older brother was molested by his biological father. When our father took us away from our mother, he was six and I was three. When he was nine, he started to become...

sexually curious and he started to insist that I watch him experiment. That eventually progressed into anal sex and it became a regular activity.

Our father has been ridiculously successful in his career, which has required him to travel a lot. He was hardly ever home and when he was, I would pointedly refuse to see him or to talk to him despite his best efforts. By the time the nanny noticed what was happening, my brother was 13 and had started lifting weights. Being terrified of my brother, the nanny never said anything.

For my entire life, I've held a deep loathing for my father, for not being home and for not trying hard enough, despite that he tried a lot and I kept him away. I felt as if he favored my younger brother and I still feel that way and I still feel that he owes me quite a lot.

I'm now 22 and I've been through far worse than my childhood molestation. I have been nearly suicidal at times and for quite a long time, things have seemed hopeless. Finally, I have settled down with a wonderful boyfriend who was once a clinical psychologist. He's been working with me in attempts to help me overcome my deep-rooted self-loathing and has told me that I need to let go of the loathing that I hold for my father and that who was at fault and who was right and wrong doesn't matter, anymore.

I, personally, think that my loathing toward the man is completely justified and I still believe that being as brilliant and insightful as he allegedly is, he should have been able to tell what was going on between his children.

Any insight would be appreciated.

that sounds rough. I think you have all right to be mad at your father, but let it take control of you or pursuit your thinking. move on, think about the future not the past, as hard as it may seem

Well I think its normal to have these feeling toward your father but I wouldn't say its healthy. I mean you parents are suppose to protect you when your in trouble or when someone is hurting you. I am glad to hear that you have a great boy friend who is a clinical psychologist and is trying to help you with your feelings. Maybe in the future you could sit down with your father and tell him how you feel. I wish you all the best in your life and I hope that everything works out.

The anger and resentment you have, although it is not healthy it is to be expected. Children look up to their parents and expect them to take care of you and protect u. When that trust is broken it is very hard not to feel resentment and anger. It is unhealthy because as long as harbor these feelings you can never move on in your recovery. Eventually you will have to work through this and give up some of the anger so that you can have a healthy relationhip not only with someone else but with urself as well.
Maybe the therapist you are currently seeing is not right for u. Maybe a change would be better for u. The difference between two diff counselors can be very small or as diff as night and day.
Feel free to funmail me if you would like to talk!! (:

Well, it's unhealthy to harbor loathing, but it's ok to loathe...if that makes sense.

For example, I truly hate Bin Laden. Given the opportunity, I would probably kill him in cold blood ...no questions asked.

But I don't lose sleep over my hatred of him.

In the case of your father, it's probably not possible to keep these ideas seperate, and so you'd be better off trying to get past those feelings.

As an alternative to harboring hatred (which is unhealthy to *you*), you might consider simply resolving to never have contact with your father again...not even to attend his funeral. Such a resolution may help you hold him accountable to the degree you can, while simultaneously allowing you to move on.

umm no because what ever he did to you was bad

I think you have evry right to be mad.
My father was never sucessful and was mad all the time and never paid any attention to me. He never touched me or anything like that but he would hit me.
Those kind of people are sick so its easier to avoid him. If it eats at you for hating him then its kinda unhealthy. So I think if you find a father figure, then he can be the father you need instead of your real father

I should clarify that he never actually did anything. If you read the question, my brother was the one who actually did it, my father was just never home to notice it.