I want an affair.

I have been with my partner for seven years. Though happy with our lives together, we have two wonderful children, there is something lacking-SEX. My partner rarely wants to have sex anymore.

I've discussed this with her as deeply as she will allow; she doesn't want someone else or try to experiment, she just has a low sex drive since or first child was born. Further, she has become arrogant and defensive, dismissing my attempts even to talk.

I know her well, she will stick to this for as long as she feels this way, does that mean forever! Our relationship now revolves around want she wants to do, her goals and aims with mine superceded. I do not want to leave this relationship as difficult as it has become. All I want to do is meet someone in a similar situation who wants to hang-out, talk intellegently about life and love and yeah, make passionate love to. I do not know now to go about finding someone or even if I should. Advise me, direct me or abuse me, I just want someone to listen and respond intellegently.

If you feel as you described; go and search for somebody who can solve your problem. There are several internet chat forums and sites for this.

Dont rush into anything you may regret this later. Just wait hang on for a while and you never know you wife may change soon. Maybe she is just going through some kind of stage in her life you never know. I guess I can understand it from your point of view but think about your wife her, do you love her or is it just the NO SEX issue thats killing you...

Uh you are such a pig. sex sex sex. I swear sometimes you men discust me. Its nice to know that there are a few good men but you are ovisly not one of them. If you are going to have an affair its cheating. Its called comminting adultry. You are a married man with kids. If you do it you may as well have divorse papers ready becuase if I were her and I found out I would leave. And trust me. Women have ways of finding out. ALWAYS. I know from experance.

Hey, listen to what your saying. As far as I know when you get married theres something in there like 'for better or worse', you might be going through some rough times right now, but you have to be some kind of dirt bag to throw away seven years, and two kids. Because if you f**k around you lose your marrige and the kids. Not to mention how badly you'll hurt everyone that you love.
Men and women reach their peak sex drive at differant times, and besides a low sex drive could also be partially your fault anyways. Maybe you need to forget about 'SEX' for a while. There are many other ways to have to be passionate. Maybe do somthing romatic for her, let her know she means the world to you.

But for God sakes, if you cheat on her, your making it a lot harder for all of the good guys out there.

I know exactly what you are going through. I'm 36 years old and have been married to my husband for the past 14 years. We also have 2 children together. My husband has to take pain killers for a serious accident he was in years ago. Since then, because of the pain killers, he has no sex drive what so ever. I have talked to him about how frustrated I have been getting, but its to no avail. Even when we do have sex, he's not really interested and he can't hold an erection for long. He says I am very sexy and attractive, but he says he can actually live without sex. Its especially frustrating when I notice other men looking at me and trying to pick me up and I feel I can't do anything because I'm married, but I fantasize about how it would be. I recently have been seriously contemplating giving my cell phone number to this guy who works at this deli that I go to. We have flirted with each other and I am extremely attracted to him. I went as far as having a piece of paper with my phone number on it in my pocket when I went into the deli, but I couldn't go through with it. (I'm actually pretty shy) And recently I guess you can say I had an online affair which was very intense and exciting, but is over with now. (I never met the person)
People who say 'sex isn't everything', are correct, but when you are constantly turned down you start to look elsewhere to fulfill your desires. I love my husband and never want to leave him, but how can I go through my life with not being satisfied? Also, even when he had a sex drive, his sexual preferences are different then mine. He likes to 'make love' - nice and slow and gentle (Which is great, but not all the time) I like to have very passionate sex, like 'ripping off clothes' sex!!!
I'm slowly but surely coming to the realization that I want more and it will probally happen in the future. (Having an affair that is) And what surprises me is that I was always totally against 'cheating'. I always thought people who cheated were real scum bags, but now I can understand. It comes from being lonely and wanting more than what you have. But then again you love your partner and don't want to leave them. That's why an affair can seem so appealing.
So, I feel do what your heart desires. We only have one life, why go through it totally unhappy. Hopefully she won't find out if you do have an affair, because that's when the unbelievable pain and guilt will start.
I hope this helps coming from someone who is going through the same thing. Post back and let me know.

I do not think you should cheat on her it is not worth it and think of how broken down your family will be. You should try to go to counseling and if she resists, then you should try this. I heard that sex toys can work wonders if you get the right one. If you could find something to stimulate yourself you might find that it would help with some of the sexual frustration. Of course tell her what you plan to do, don't try to hide it. Also I agree with what someone said earlier about romancing her, that may be what she needs right now. Send her some flowers or something or offer to wash and massage her feet.

I know this question is old, but I am in the same boat married longer and I have a husband seems to be to busy for well you know what. I have since developed a very strong attaction to another man, however he is married as well. Even though I know he desires me and I desire him we can't be together. Ok, back to square one here. Work it out. I must need to work on my marriage if this is how I am feeling. I have know idea how, but am willing to try for the sake of our three wonderful children.

Yeah, well Maggie, sometimes women AND men disgust (not 'discust') me as well. This poster doesn't. He's coming for advice, not to be judged or be called a pig. Grow up. Women cheat too, in case you haven't noticed. Evolve, put an affair off as long as you can. It'll just complicate things, and the guilt will far outweigh the pleasure.

Yeah, well Maggie, sometimes women AND men disgust (not 'discust') me as well. This poster doesn't. He's coming for advice, not to be judged or be called a pig. Grow up. Women cheat too, in case you haven't noticed. Evolve, put an affair off as long as you can. It'll just complicate things, and the guilt will far outweigh the pleasure.

I've been married for 15 years...and we lived together for two years before getting married. He isn't interested in sex. He can live without it. Well, I've gone 7 years without it...and enough is enough. And I've tried counseling (10 years worth)...he doesn't see the need to go, he's 'fine', I have 'toys'...they help but can't compare to the real thing! I love my husband but he isn't 'in love' with me...I have one life to live...and I'm going to spend some of that time with someone who wants to have hot, passionate, naughty sex and still respects my boundaries as a married mother. I want a sexual partner...not another 'ball and chain'...I'm done begging the man I really want this from...I am always turned down. I have read every single 'help' book out there...this isn't my problem, except if I choose to deny myself a sexual relationship with a man who wants the same. I feel ok about this...

Sounds like you might be going through the 7 year itch. Wait it out and see how it goes. I don't think you will feel the same after the affair. You will wish you didn't do it, and you will especially wish that when you are paying child support after the divorce. All I'm saying is think about it. And since this is an older question, I am guessing you've probably already made your decision. Post back and let us know what happened.

Well, I know that a bunch of girls will probably kill me for saying this...but a one-night-stand with someone whom you can trust can actually save the relationship. I'm dating this guy and our s*x life became completely boring before it became nonexistant. I would come on to him rarely and he wouldn't be in the mood and vice versa. We loved each other very much and would infrequently argue. But as great as every other aspect of our relationship was, we simply couldn't get in the mood. I know that one of the other posts stated that 'for better or worse' implied not doing anything with anyone else as a means of staying strong. However, it was once said that insanity was defined by doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The 'for worse' part came for me at about the six week mark of having no s*x. Then once deciding jointly that there was a problem, we sought counseling. We tried reading books, looking online for advice, and even scheduling romantic candlelit (sp?) evenings to enjoy each other s*xually. But after a while, (6 months), nothing had worked. At the 7 month point we both decided that s*x was going to need to be a part of our relationship if we were going to get married. After pursuing every avenue, we decided that the main problem was that we simply weren't intrigued by one another anymore. I can't remember who suggested it first, but we decided that in lieu of not wanting to break up, we would give each other what we called a 'wild card' for one night out. It's kind of like it sounds, in that each of us was allowed to hook up with one person in the following month. I fulfilled my fun night out before he did his, but at the end of the month we had each enjoyed a s*xual experience with one, and only one, other person. It worked amazingly and we were so intrigued with each other once again. And since then, (about a year ago), our s*x life has been amazing and finally caught up with every other aspect of the relationship. In fact, we're engaged! I don't know if it felt good to just get it out of our system or why excatly that helped so much, but you may want to suggest that to your wife. I know it may sound a little extreme, but it did such wonders for us. Just think about it...in the end it will make yourself feel much better than doing anything behind her back or without her consent.

. Like I was saying, I cheated on my husband and I can tell you, IT'S NOT WORTH IT. Where is our restraint? and when did we begin believing that it was up to our spouse to make our life exciting? This is a partnership that is fueled by love, admiration and respect for each other. Do you remember when you and your husband were first dating? Remember the lust, attraction, excitement. It would be only natural that those superficial emotions would eventually fade away and be replaced with something stronger and more enriching. In every marriage, the lust subsides. Why would you disrespect your husband, disrespect your children and yourself for the sake of recapturing something that you and your husband once had? I contemplated this for months and did research and read forums warning me of how STUPID it is to have an affair. The result? I did it anyway. I can begin to tell you how painful it is for me to look in my adoring husband's eyes and tell him he's the only man that captures my heart, my mind and my body. I told him about the affair shortly after it occured. Ladies, did we expect marriage to be an unwithering circle of hot steamy sex and roses? What the hell? I don't know how I fell for such a lie. Marriage is powerful. You dedicate yourselves to each other to help each one become a better version of themselves. You create a new generation and partner up together in raising helpful, decent citizens and human beings. What power that is! The problem is that we have this fake, superficial idea of what is supposed to make us feel ALIVE. HOT sex in the car, feeling DESIRED by some man other than YOUR man. Thanks to television and in my opinion (Satan), we are fed lies in order to bring us to the edge and destroy what is the very foundation of this country: strong marriages and strong families. And we are led believe that we're not hurting anyone...it's something we NEED to do for ourselves. If you respect your husband, your marriage, your kids and yourself, you will GET UP and get the HELP you need. I wish I would've done that instead of being afraid to ask for help. I fell into the monsters pit and there's not ONE day that goes by that I don't regret it. I don't have the perfect husband, and I am not the perfect wife. But we TALK a lot now and we've identified each others needs. Mine are the need for affection and sexual fullfillment, conversation, recreational companionship. His are the need to feel admired and respected by me. Every person has needs that their spouse is ABLE to fullfill for them. It begins with communicating those needs DIRECTLY and making a COMMITMENT to fullfill them for your spouse. That's how you know you love them. If you are willing and working towards meeting your spouses needs, even when it requires some sacrifice on your part. The lust and the need to feel DESIRED? Give me a break. The affair will bring you that for a short while. INFATUATION IS SHORT! Don't you know this already? Remember the dating days with hubby? It is bound to wear off and will either be replaced with true love and commitment or a tiring of the person. Before you know it, you will be running off to find the next affair and hurting everyone you love. Rekindling the fire with your spouse is possible, but it takes commitment. There's nothing sexier than having sex with the person you will grow old with. Every time is a renewal of your vows and a renewal of your commitment to build a strong family. Get creative and get professional help. If you're still not willing, then it's not possible that you love your husband...it just isn't. In that case, a separation is best for you, for him, and yes, for your children. ANYONE READING THIS, please don't make the mistake I did, and if you're in an affair already, CONFESS to your husband, and both of you GO get good counseling. Marriage today is under attack. Either you can stand strong and save yours or you can listen to foolishness and regret. I wish I made the right choice. I guess I feel like maybe if I write this, I can help some women make the right choice and it will help me heal. Please, if you can do anything after this, separate lies from truth in your mind. Look at your wedding pictures and remember the days of infatuation with your love. Fortunately, those days have become a beautiful marriage with limitless potential and not just 'another fling.' Here is a website that has been extremely helpful in dealing with affairs and their affects as well as helping you understand your marriage and your spouse so that you can AVOID an affair. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
They deal with EVERYTHING regarding affairs, including emotional needs (which seems to be why most women are having affairs), sexual desire with your spouse, ending affairs, etc. READ all you can! There are tons of articles about this, and I believe it's the first step, then you should go get a counseler/coach to hold you accountable and help you both save your marriage.
Best Wishes to all of you.

You should get some balls and tell your wife your plans, first. If she wants to leave you for it, then let her go. You don't deserve to be married, anyway. If she's really as selfish as you make her out to be, she doesn't deserved to be married either. It sounds like you two are too selfish to be in a committed relationship. Marriage is about sharing, giving and taking, compromising and loving beyond everything else. I'm currently pregnant and we haven't had sex in several months. It's killing me, but his problem isn't with me. He is uncomfortable about having sex with 'the baby around'. Do you know what we do? We mas*urba*e, separately. It's fine and it'll pass after the baby is born. He's not going to go and screw the next hot chick he sees and I won't be going to find some dude that likes to do it with pregos. Get over yourself, be a man and 'fess up. It's the LEAST you can do. I just don't understand people that get married and don't really mean then vows they make. I don't know about anyone else, but I love my husband more than I love myself. I couldn't put my desires above his heart.

Well...girls may hate me for this but I dont care. Its ironic that I see this at the exact moment I want to see a married man...not a stupid boy but a man who knows what he wants and how he wants it...mature if you will.
You only live life once, so do whatever you want now. Bad or not, its your life isnt it?

Sex comes pretty high up on the list of 'primal needs'. Although humans can 'rise above this' by exercising intellectual control, for the majority of us (men and women), life is unfulfilling without sex. Add to this the stress and cost and drudgery of modern life, and it's difficult to see why married couples and live-in partners don't have sex every day. After all, it's the only FREE pleasureable 'vice' that we have available to us, and it's not even unhealthy. A couple agreeing to marriage or a similar monogomous relationship are basically agreeing to entrust the responsibility for this basic human need to one person alone - their partner. It is therefore a breach of trust if one partner refuses to fulfil or plays 'power games' with this need. If you were to agree that your partner was the only person who could feed you, and they let you go hungry, would anyone blame you for breaking the agreement and eating elsewhere, especially if you warned your partner about it in advance? My view is that you shouldn't put up with this, but I suggest before you do anything, you should try to talk one more time (verbal warning), if not successful write a letter to her (written warning). If at this point she continues to be too selfish to consider your needs and still doesn't want to attempt to resolve the situation, then how can anyone blame you for getting it elsewhere? And one last point.. most marriage vows include some sort of obligation for sexual needs of your partner.

Sex comes pretty high up on the list of 'primal needs'. Although humans can 'rise above this' by exercising intellectual control, for the majority of us (men and women), life is unfulfilling without sex. Add to this the stress and cost and drudgery of modern life, and it's difficult to see why married couples and live-in partners don't have sex every day. After all, it's the only FREE pleasureable 'vice' that we have available to us, and it's not even unhealthy. A couple agreeing to marriage or a similar monogomous relationship are basically agreeing to entrust the responsibility for this basic human need to one person alone - their partner. It is therefore a breach of trust if one partner refuses to fulfil or plays 'power games' with this need. If you were to agree that your partner was the only person who could feed you, and they let you go hungry, would anyone blame you for breaking the agreement and eating elsewhere, especially if you warned your partner about it in advance? My view is that you shouldn't put up with this, but I suggest before you do anything, you should try to talk one more time (verbal warning), if not successful write a letter to her (written warning). If at this point she continues to be too selfish to consider your needs and still doesn't want to attempt to resolve the situation, then how can anyone blame you for getting it elsewhere? And one last point.. most marriage vows include some sort of obligation for sexual needs of your partner.