I don't want to lose him

||Background: im turning 20 years old, and have been with my current boyfriend tom for alittle more then a year. he works near his school, which is an hour and a half away from where I live during the summer...we see each other when we can, and its not a...

problem. during the school year we're 3 hours apart, and only see eachother on breaks. ...this is an email to one of my close friends (so some parts might not make 100% sense, but it should be clear to read)... and it was too long to re-write, so I just posted it here for advice...|| a huge thank you to anyone who has the patience to read the entire email.. I whole-heartidly appreciate it.

well.. lastnight me and my boyfriend tom talked...
and I dont think we're gonna make it till the end of summer =*(
im like 80% happy with our relationship...which is fine with me. id be 100% happy if we could talk all the time and saw each other more often, but I understand that its just not a possibility...and im okay with it.

...but he's only 50% happy...
he feels guilty because he knows his job is keeping us apart... but he needs it. (and I completley understand it.)...but he feels bad because he wants to see me more often, but cant because of school/work... and he feels guilty and respondsible bc he knows not seeing each other hurts me, and he feels bad for causing me saddness.
its just a big complicated blah mess.

so.. theres like a 50% chance we're gonna break up =*(
I realllyyy dont wanna be without him...
he honestly is everything I want in a boyfriend...
and I don't know if you noticed or not, but im not exactly a very normal person... haha not a lot of guys have the patience, or personality to put up with me...
he seriously is everything I want in a guy... hes cute, patient, caring, smart, hes a hugeee family guy, but in the same we're into the same sexual things (which is a suprise! not many people are...), and he likes to talk philosophy with me, and put up with all of my issues...
I honestly think its going to be reallyyy hard to find someone else like that... I really dont wanna loose him...

I guess im just scared. I honestly hate being alone more than anythingg...I was with my last boyfriend since I was 13 years old... we broke up a month or two before my 18th bday...
I just dont wanna do it again... I really dont. I hate being single and playing the field orr whatever... im sooo over it all, and I just want to find a guy whos ready to settle down and be serious...
and finding that in college is hard... and my problem is that I reallyyy thought tom could be that... potentially.
he just doesnt know if he's happy... which I understand, and I care about him enough to want him to be happy, even if its not with me... but it just sucks, you know?

its just hard... being apart for months at a time and everything...
I think deep down I feel like hes starting to fall out of love with me..
I mean...even when he says I love you... I just dont feel like he's there... like he's just going thru the motions...
...he works 70+ hours a week..like literally... and I think he might just be exhausted, and taking it out on the relationship... but he doesnt know if thats the problem, bc he loves work.

I just dont know what 2 do...

part of me feels like im not good enough for him... or for anybody.
im just not very normal, and that makes a lot of guys run or not even look twice. I also gained alottt of weight when I came to college... so my self-esteem is lacking compared to what it used to be...
part of me feels like if I lost my weight, maybe guys would look twice and want to get to know me for me. I don't know if that makes sense...

I don't know. so, im trying to find jesus lol... it just helps to not feel so alone through all this... I just dont know. anddd I need to get my life in order. like, I hafta stop being stupid and making bad decisions... bc im not going 2 attract a good guy by the way I spent my freshmen year in college... haha...

I need to loose weight aswell. buttt... my problem is that my life is sooo hectic all the time... and I turn to food for comfort. I need to work on that. lol and loose 35 pounds. lol but I don't know if you know... I have heart problems... I hafta get scanned every 6 months to make sure it doesnt get any worse... eventually im gonna end up on medication for it, and then after that im going to hafta get a valve replaced.
its part of the reason I cant exercise like I used to... my heart hasta work twice as hard to get blood to my muscles, because instead of all of the blood pumping out, only half pumps out, and the other half shoots back up into my heart. sooo... my muscles get extremely fatigued really easily b/c of the lack of blood... so everytime I start workingout, and my heart starts skipping beats or double beating, I get sooo freaked out and I hafta stop. ... that deff doesnt help with loosing weight. lol

I dont know what to do... and I reallyyy need help...

long idstance relationships are very hard. if hes working really long hours that is a big strain and when youve no one to come home to at the end of the day that makes it even harder.

just explain to him how much you love him and what the relationship means to you and that you are willing to do anyhting to keep it going. have you thought of moving to be with him.

If you are meant to be you will suceed beacuse you being apart is only a phase in your relationship. truie love always overcomes all obstacles.

One pice of advice I can give you is dont always show your most vunerable side. keep that little bit back just to keep it alive. sorry I cant be much more help.

if you are meant to be together you will be. if your love is as strong as you think it is you will be fine.

Good luck.

Hey, so I read your e-mail and I know how you feel. Not completely because I haven't been in your exact situation before but I just want to let you know that you don't have to feel like you're alone. A lot of people deal with all of the things that you are and no matter what ends up happening you will get through this and you will feel happy.
I'm going to try and give the best advice that I can and hopefully I will be of some help to you.
First of all is the weight thing, I can understand why exercise would be harder for you because of your heart problems, but in my opinion if you have a heart problem and you are overweight than that could be a health risk. Since exercise is more difficult for you, my best advice would be to go on a healthy diet, it can make a huge difference and eating healthy food will be much better for you.
And don't let your weight get you down, just remember that no matter what you look like on the outside you are a beautiful person and you don't have to try to conform to other people's standards. Love yourself, because it is soo important, and people will recognize that and love you too.
Now as for the boyfriend situation, that is much tricky. Feelings make things like 100 x more complicated and it sucks. Trust me, I've been in some pretty shitty relationship situations and the damn feelings always make it so hard.
It sounds to me like you should have a talk with your boyfriend and try to figure out if he does just feel bad about not getting to see you or if he has in fact fallen out of love with you. I know it sucks when you hear something that you really don't want to, but in the long run, knowing the truth is going to help you so much more.
I have never been in a long distance relationship but I can imagine how difficult it must be, and I really respect how strong you are. I think that if both of you love each other and you both want to be together and are willing to do what you can, then you guys should stay together. I know it sucks right now, but all of this isn't going to last forever and I'm sure that the time will come when you don't have to spend as much time apart. I'm not sure what your situation is, but have you ever thought about moving to be closer to him? Just a suggestion. And if thats not a possibility, we can a lot of technology these days that will let people stay in touch much easier. I suggest skype because it's free, which is always great. I think if the two of you want to be together and are meant to be together, things will work out, you will both stay strong and you will make it through this difficult part of your relationship. And if you aren't meant to be together, it will be ok too. There are over 3 billion people on this earth and I know it feels like he is the only one for you (I have felt that too) but there will always be someone else. And don't be scared about being alone. I know exactly how you feel on that, but being single can be so fun, you get to see your friends so much more and your friendships grow that much stronger and you learn about yourself and you can be selfish and do what you please because you don't have anyone else to think of.
I know that life is hard, I'm turning 21 and man I feel like I've learnt so many tough lessons and sometimes I just think wow, life sucks! But you need all the shitty moments to make you understand how amazing the good moments are and you will learn something from everything you experience.
I hope I could help at bit, or at least make you feel a bit better and I hope that everything works out the way it is supposed to and that you find happiness. And remember to love yourself because you sound like a really nice person. And trust me, we all have those flaws that would send boys running, haha, but boys have them too and you just have to find that right person, the person that's going to accept and love you just the way you are, and if you haven't found him yet, don't worry, you will.
Anyways, take care and smile! Good luck with everything!

thank you both sooo much for your respondses... they both help out sooo much... I really really appreciate it...every time I post a problem, it always amazes me how much people care...especially in this day and age. anddd...every time someone answers my questions, I really do make and effort to pay it forward and help out another person or two who needs advice.

...thank you both again... I feel alottt more at-ease about this now...