I hate myself, i hate what i've become.

I'm such a jealous idiot. And I'm friendless. And I'm ugly, dumb, pathetic, clingy, etc. Last night my boyfriend told me he was going to hang out with the boys. We were supposed to hang out last night. So I was left without plans. But I was very mad. He...

apologized and asked me if I was ok with him hanging out with them. I wasn't but I lied and said I was. Later I call him and he was having so much fine while I was home, bored. I let my resentment shine a bit. He picked up on it and now he's upset that I told him I was ok with it when I really wasn't. He says he doesn't want this to happen every time he goes out without me.

I guess I get jealous. Jealous that he prefers his friends. Jealous that eh HAS friends, and I don't. Sure, I know a couple of gals, we hang out at uni, but these girls have boyfriends and they hang out with them on weekends. So these gals are never available. Plus I never make plans with friends when I could be hanging out with my boyfriend, because we don't see each other that often and I prefer to spend my free time with him.

Anyway, I feel so pathetic and humilliated, because of course now I'm the clingy girlfriend. And he's mad at me. I hate myself for this.

Plus I'm so ugly that every time he makes a comment about a hot celeb I freak out. It's almost impossible for me to go to the pool with him, because I know there will be better looking girls, and him being a guy, will notice them.

I just feel boring, you know? Like after 3 years with me, I'm uninteresting to him. I feel like I also don't let him be himself, and as much as I want to change, I can't change my feelings!

When we first started going out I was still in high school and everything was so great because I had many friends then! But they're all gone now, and I'm alone and sad and pathetic. I feel like I've let him become my life, when I'm not his life. Like I have my interests besides him and all, but I hate being alone on weekend nights because I'm used to seeing him. I hate myself for being this dependant!

I don't know, sometimes I just feel like breaking up with him so he can be free and do whatever he wants. But he says he doesn't want to but that if I don't change asap, we'll have to break up because he says he can't take this anymore.

I don't know I feel all bitter and negative, I can't really explain it, it's just a feeling of bein uncomfortable and like everyone else is better and that he isn't really into me. I don't know.

=(

the problem here is that you need to stop focusing on him and start focusing on yourself. your problems are yours, not his, but b/c you're in a relationship with him they become his problems and it's not fair to him, and it's definitely not fair to be putting yourself through this. if he really wants to stay together, your going to have to do couples counseling if you can't communicate to him effectively yourself. moreso, I believe you need personal counseling so you can get YOUR life back on track. if he loves you he will support you and be happy that the relationship is on the track of improvement and that you are too.

just do what I do when I want someone to focus on me... scream or laugh really really hard for no reason

I have been with my boyfriend for two years also, and I used to be just like this. but you learn if he's been with you for three years there's obviously something he finds amazing about you. and if you werent satisfying him in every way he'd leave. so just relax a little.

Your issue is a SEVERE lack of self-esteem... all of the problems you mentioned revolve around this one negative characteristic.

all I can say is that you HAVE to stop comparing yourself to other people. I myself am learning this lesson. It does you no good whatsoever. You're only pathetic if you think of yourself that way. And about your boyfriend, if he's been around for this long he's obviously staying for a reason. I hope you get this worked out. Good luck