How do i deal with this? fiance's ex wife's needs & jealousy

Hi... this is a difficult one to put down

My fiance and I live a 4 hour drive from each other and have now been together almost 3 years and engaged for almost 2 years. I live with my 2 children who are 18 19 and he lives a half hour drive from his...

ex wife and 4 children, 3 of which still live with her; 10, 14 16.

When I met him he was struggling to cope with a difficult divorce and felt a lot of anger towards her and the fact that his marriage had failed and his relationship with 2 of his daughters was now non existent. However being a christian he offered a very good financial package to her (she has never worked) and an element of this will continue throughout her lifetime unless her personal circumstances change.

I have supported him throughout this stressful process and helped him rebuild bridges with his children and even his ex, as I felt this was the right thing to do. It has not been easy with his children as they were not as polite as mine and always appeared ungrateful etc. His eldest of 21 has even been very rude at times and I have found it hurtful that they appeared only to contact him when they needed money. He however ignored this factor and was just grateful for the contact. He gave the eldest a lump sum for driving lessons (no thanks again) and she just spent it and therefore didnt get a job that Summer. I struggle with all this as I feel he is not helping any of them by always giving them money and presents. He now even gives the ex.w extra funds so that she can go and see her parents if she desires on a weekly basis.

He has been round their house and decorated the bedroom she shares with the youngest and even paid for the carpet. He paid for her car to be serviced and new tyres. When they said they were looking for a modem or a sewing machine, he will go out and buy them one! He decided to buy them a new tv on impulse for christmas, but then went on to also buy them a laptop.

I could understand keeping to the large financial support he gives, but all the other stuff as well I struggle with. I mean if I think of our life going forward - how would we manage to budget for anything or save if he just went out and spent on whatever took his fancy? He says he just likes to provide for his family. He even mentioned the other day that the next car he would buy would probably be a replacement for his ex - somehow I think he is sewing seeds there.

I havent mentioned the fact that the majority of his spending is on credit cards as he has now exceeded his large monthly salary. He tends to binge buy and I have spoken to him about this, but he is very clever and can always justify his purchases! From furniture to expensive electrical items, to pottery and clothing, even 2 new cars. He is then able to pass his replaced items onto family, who of course he will then be helping. He is a very charitable person, but he also spends a lot, when I have always saved up first and never had credit cards. Oh I nearly forgot he also tends to make rapid decisions ie charity marathon; as then he will have to lose weight (he's gained far too much) or a charity bike ride in Asia; he did that one, but didnt train for it!

I have asked him does he want to get back with his ex and therefore the children he misses and he has assured me that this is not so. However I am insecure these days as my ex husband of 20 years went off with is boss and I just never ever would of thought he would do that to us, but that is another story...

I have not yet mentioned that my fiance has been on antidepressants as his moods have been very up and down since I met him, almost like bipolar. At one point the doctor even doubled his tablets which was great for me, as he was always happy. Unfortunately though he came off the tablets without telling me, yet I had already noticed a change in his moods; He is not as errr verbal with his love these days and doesnt have as much to say - as you can imagine a long distance relationship can be hard, although we do see each other most weekends!

Obviously this is a very compexed relationship, not to mention that I am in the financial stages of my divorce, which is very stressful. I do love my fiance, but find my feelings for him are up and down. He can sometimes be very old fashioned and has even made reference to the bible at times; quoting how men should be the boss etc, and even fell out with me at a wedding (he had drank a lot, as he does sometimes when at home on his own after work - usually a bottle of wine) because I danced with a guy from our table (all innocent) and I had not asked his permission! Infact he went on to be totally awful that night and said he couldnt be with me after behaving like that etc!

He has had a tendency to periodically change the basis of our relationship; he would send me long strange texts how it was wrong in the eyes of God to sleep with each other anymore. He also became very absorbed in God TV/bible and would write passages in a journal. I have stoopped him from the way he used to send long deep texts to his ex and children though, as I felt this was part of his problem. His excuse was, that it was the only way he felt comfortable to communicate.

On the other hand he has thanked me for how I have changed his life; he now has a promotion, feels far more confident and able, just life is far better than ever for him. I just feel that some of the foundations or understanding of our relationship has changed eg, originally he was going to move up here and then he thought his children stil needed him so would stay there. His maintenance to her was to be the same each month and now well whatever she needs I assume he will sort out as his reason is ' his children benefit'! There is no way this woman will ever get a job or need to save/manage her finances etc, if he is always going to sort stuff out!

Can anyone make sense of all this... I am startiing to think it's me and basically I have gone from a woman who didnt question any relationship or worry about trust, to one who now feels insecure in this new relationship (he has told me infidelity is not in his nature) and is also questioning what kind of future do I have with this man. I mean will I always feel like the other woman? You could even say; he has his ex wife and family at one house and in the future I would be the mistress figure, who would be there to romance and look after him!

I do wonder... if we were both in hospital, who he would visit first???

So what do you think hmmm