I hate myself very much my cheap addiction i hv gave up many times

I am 28 years old girl,pursuing m.b.a.sir I don't know I m mature till now there was a teacher of communication in our institute he was polite gentle but I didn't care for him much.till the director of the institute was playing politics with me as I...

was performing well and she did not want me to perform well in curriculur activities,one day in frustation I mess up with her I was in deep guilty as I use to avoid her ill comments,some students were also with her to let me down but I always resist to fight. I wanted to do something good for my respected father .I never wanted to insult my teachers.all of sudden I just attracted to this sir as he understands everything that whts going in the class .he use to ask me ques. but now after this fight I just use to sit quietly,I didn't wanted to respond.this was a regular procedure.One day when I was sleeping I felt a passionate feeling about him and I though that no I hate him as he is one of the staff ,he is with director madam.After some days I just find his face infront of me everytime I think of him I hate him but I reminds his voice and my breath rises .One day I was feeling the same feeling in the class and I did not control my breath even I wanted to show him,he suddenly caught it,all was my fault he laughed than he was shy then he looked at me seriously in deep perception.I controll myself and thought that how did I do it I decided not to come again in the class.After 3 days our internals were started I came for exams and didnot notice him he was somewhat bother but firm .during exams he symbolically helped me he was very honest even I never tried to get his help not even look at him,but he thought I love him.after exams when I came in the class my classmate told me that this sir was saying in the class that my performance was good in exams.I was in gratitude that how he is motivating me even I hv not done so well.Now everyday he kept on answering cross comments for those students who were troubling me.Everything was clear in the class.Director mam use to trouble me but I was always ready with my advance performance.He always tried hard to help other students also but after getting help they were not gratitude not care at all.Well I was always aware that I don't love him but it was a close attraction,understanding and attachment ,I liked him for his qualities day by day I was knowing him .I was aware not to be drown into emotions so I behaved as a normal person but yes I showed my gratitude through my eyes or I just wanted to show that I still likes him ,now he started staring with beautiful smile in the class.I was enjoyingit I never had seen such beauty charm kindness.I think he was trying to help me.Then 1 day I came to know that director had asked him to leave,I was not suprised as she has done it to many teachers.but he was sad as he has done so good for the institute,I was also thinking to tranfer in another branch. he left but tears suddenly came into my eyes I thought it is because of fear of finall exams and director was not providing faculty but after some days he came for his salary I was v happy I gave him a chocolate but he was angry with me as I gave infront of some students .he was really a gentleman .After 1 month I really missed him I keep on saying his name,before I use to chant god's name but now I was just remembering him even at nights I wake up crying for him.director's attitude was same I keep on giving myself self suggestions nothing was working even I was perfoming well in activities .I call him by phone he asked me about studies speaking kindly.I was very happy after 7 days in the morning I phoned him his voice was in anger and loud I asked him about his bitrhday so that I could greet him but he replied loudly why? he was v jolly I thought he was laughing at me but he kept silent I was shocked I said sir sorry he didnot replied and after 2,3 minutes he cut the line and swithched off the phone.I was in deep guilt that it was my fault I instantly e-mail him apologizing.And then I visited his orkut profile he is 2 years younger than me he is really gud ,believes in god from a gud school everything is gud about him.now I use to remind him everyday every moment ,I asked him to reply but he didnot I controll myself for many months now I m not regular in yy prayers I m a hindu not well I use to watch porn which I always hated I love him or hate him but I hate myself very much my cheap addiction I hv gave up many times ,talked to my mother sis but I can't help I want to love god again purely

You've seen to much TV