Help-I need to stay strong and move on!

I was with my ex boyfriend for about 3 years...right from the beginning he was very controlling and jealous and often caused fights because he was insecure. At first I was blinded by my love for him and I gave up everything for him because I was so afraid to lose him...I pretty much lost my identity. He fought with me almost everyday, nothing I did was right and he would call me every name in the book and I cried almost everyday. I constantly did everything to make him happy and love me but he never seemed happy.

We bought a house in January and since then things went seriously downhill, he was hanging around the wrong people that used drugs and began using them himself and our house was constantly party central. I have a very professional job and wanted to start a family, this was not my life. I begged and pleaded for him to change and I cried everyday but he said if I didnt like it get out. Now for 3 years we had a really good friend who had been broken up with his ex for about 6 months and I always saw how he treated her and was often jealous of what she had. Anyway over the course of the years him and I had gotten close and something was always there. He saw the way I was treated and was always there and I started falling for him, I knew he had a thing for me too. I finally had enough and had to leave my ex, it killed me because I loved him so much but I had no choice. Since then my guy friend and I have been seeing each other and things have been like a fairy tale, he is a god sent. We have gone through a lot although no one knows we are together I have been constantly harrassed by my ex, he wants to change now and give me the world he says he loves me so much and will do anything. He won't give up. I loved him with all my heart but I know he can't change and I know with my good friend I will be happy forever and he will take care of me.

I need serious help though, although I really want this to move forward I can't get out of the past and thinking just maybe he was the one and we could work it out. I know full well that it never would but how do I move on and not risk this great thing I have now. Please help it's so hard, I just want to stop loving my ex, I know I can be happy with this guy now and I have wanted this for so long. Help me let go of my past please I am going insane.

Well, I am 41 and I can tell you this, people (especially men) rarely change.So chances are you will throw away more of your precious youth should you go back to your ex.I think you should learn from your relationship with him and take that knowledge and GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE! Second thing I know is that people are on their best behavior when they are A-in a new relationship and B-around their friends and strangers. It's a whole different story when they are at home alone with their signifigant others. And people rarley live up to our fantasies.So go for it with your friend but do it with your eyes open, your mind clear and your emotions and metallity with a realistic view of things.

I'm sorry you had such a hard time with boyfriend #1. But it is good that you realized you can't go on with it. Now you are attracted to boyfriend #2, but still find yourself thinking of #1. Right?

You ask how to stop thinking of him. First, I'll tell you why you still are. You haven't had any spaces between your togetherness. You went from #1 to #2. So while you are developing deeper feelings for #2, you are mourning the loss of #1. But being IN a relationship while you mourn is harder than just giving yourself the space to do so. It's harder, but it can be done--so long as you accept what's happening.

How do you do it? You do. You are the only person who can. The Jolly Green Giant will not open your head (and/or heart) and put in an ingredient that will make you NOT think of #1.

You have to do that. And you do that by cleaning up your inner dialog, the refrain in you head that says, "Ou, I miss #1. I loved him so much. I wonder if..." When you have thoughts like that, stop and tell yourself that what you are missing is the "thought of him; the potential of him and you, the dream." And we all ready know the dream did not come true. You begged him to change--he didn't. You gave him years of your life, which he didn't cherish. The dream never came true.

Now he is offering you what you wanted then, but really it's a matter of "too little, too late." What he's offering is another dream, because he's done nothing to show that he's capable of this. It will take him a few years of hard work, and a lot of introspection,to change how he treats women.(I mean come on, he's being obsessive about getting you back, right now isn't he? That's not a man who loves you; it's a man who hates to lose).

You need to listen to your head--and continue with #2. You heart is damaged a bit right now and is addicted to the way it WAS treated, but your intellect knows better. So behave your way to a happier future. Banish thoughts of him by telling yourself what you long for is something that was never there. And give yourself some time developing a love with #2. Time tells us a lot.

God bless

if you're honestly worried about whether or not your first boyfriend was 'the one', consider this: if he were 'the one' would he disrespect you? would he do things that make you uncomfortable? would he abuse your shared home? would he be so unwilling to make any changes to himself that he told YOU to get out? trust me, he's not the one. feel free to move on.

Thank you all for your advice so far it really helps me. As much as I can get is great.

Here is my advice. I was in a very similar situation for almost 3 years. I felt the same way you do, at least I thought I did. I thought I was in "love"!!! He was a very possessive and jealous man. I was always trying to please him and nothing ever worked. I thought the problem was me, so I just tried harder. We got engaged and things started to go forward. During the planning of our wedding I approached one of our groomsmen, I wanted to talk to him about the wedding, and he didn't realize I was the bride. As it turns out my "fiance" was engaged to two women. After 2 of my very close guy friends knocked some sense into me, I realized I wasn't in love with him, I was in love with the idea of settling down, getting married and starting a family. A week before Christmas, I broke up with him and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, regardless of the circumstances. On the flip side it was the best thing I ever did. It didn't really take long to get over him once I opened my eyes to see what really went on. I too, got the harrassment and the guilt trip, but I did not let it work. My advice to you is take a step back and open your eyes wide. Look at what you had and look at what you have. You didn't have love before, you had the want to be loved. You now have love, unconditional. Trust me, your heart will heal. You will never forget, but you will get over it. If your new guy is as wonderful as you describe he will be patient with you and give you the time you need to heal. Good luck and God bless.

hes never the one if he hurts you, so move on hes not the one

Dear Friend -

Sweetie, you really do need to move on! Anyone that harms you in any way (physically/emotionally/mentally) isn't the right person for you. Do you really want to hook back up with someone that makes you feel insecure & not loved at all???

Sincerely,
Heather Buchanan
~Advice Councelor~
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