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Feedback on my poem?

webcammmm Asked by ohsocrazy 3 months ago, 11 answers.

I just wrote this. and it makes me cry every time. this is the deepest poem I've ever written. like most of my poems, it's about my dad.
please, if you read this, comment. thank you!

Im done apologizing
for all of your mistakes
and you being the only
reason my heart aches.
the wounds beneath my wings
the sorrow in my soul
everything I do
is under your control.
No matter how I try
to erase your memories
they’re spreading through my mind
like a ravaging disease.
Every time you lie
is like a bullet to my brain
And every day without you
only brings me pain.
And yet somehow I still wonder
how you get a good night rest
knowing that you walked away
leaving me depressed.
So with my head against the wall
and still tears beneath my eyes
how can you move on
when you didn’t say goodbye.
And each second that passes
is a second gone to waste
turning into minutes
that cannot be replaced.
But your selfishly thinking
you can dance on top of water
keep in mind you lost us dad,
your only son and daughter.

Send this to a friend

Basketball Answered by luv2beme on Apr 16, 2008, 10:56PM
| 134 answers.

OMG that's really deep and very good

Bridge Answered by bwmorency on Apr 16, 2008, 10:56PM
| 30 answers.

Aw man it is really good, I have written a few poems of my own.

It is an awesome form of self-expression.

and more of me :) Answered by sillygirl006 on Apr 16, 2008, 11:34PM
| 373 answers.

I love how you have used poetry as a form of healing. it brings so much reality to your poem. very beautiful.

one thing I would suggest (coming from an english major's perspective) is to go through it line by line to make sure the wording flows exactly how you want it. just polish, your work is great!!!

katwoman Answered by katwoman on Apr 16, 2008, 11:52PM
| 644 answers.

I think it's great! You didn't use the word 'I' a single time. I don't think.
It rhymes too and I usually don't like that. It flows good though. There's a lot of feelings expresed in it.

Answered by prizmeyez0687 on Apr 16, 2008, 11:53PM
| 28 answers.

WOW AND I THOUGHT I WAS A POET!! NOU IM NOT!! WELL KINDA I HAVE OVER 322 POEMS...BUT NOTHIN LIKE THIS!! =]

VERY GOOD WORK!!

bleeding rose Answered by your_clebertiy_night_stalker on Apr 17, 2008, 09:37AM
| 309 answers.

wow your realy good ... your are very talented

pretty Answered by melissa_ann_hatten2007 on Apr 17, 2008, 10:41AM
| 24 answers.

It sounds really good you should get it published. It speaks to a lot of people who feel the same way you do.Its personal and it sounds more reality then make up.I LOVE IT

me... Answered by iluv2 on Apr 24, 2008, 07:07PM
| 120 answers.

sorry it took so long to get back to you...very good you are talented too...luv your work keep writing and maybe a few brighter poems and you have a career...good luck!

pretty pink dress <3 (studio pic) Answered by butterfly_kiss3z on May 07, 2008, 02:27PM
| 719 answers.

WOW!! that is real deep and touching, right to the core of my heart!! - I truly love how you brought out all your emotions and wrote it out!! you've got the talent of an artist!!

Answered by ehbetch on May 12, 2008, 09:16PM
| 102 answers.

I really like it

me :D Answered by nora123 on Jun 29, 2008, 11:54AM
| 18 answers.

I´ve read another poem of yours. and like OMG you have a gift!
You just make so personal in such a way, words can´t describe.

Gosh I wish I was as talented as you are!

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