Dont know what to do

Alright, so I'll start from the beginning...

About a month or so ago, I was home with my girlfriend and my dad was yelling at me for something, and I got pissed and sat on my bed and talked to my girflriend about it. And she said "well it is your fault, your always complaining about how your parents yell at you and stuff...its your own fault"
That pretty much hit me deep inside...

So last week my dad was yelling at me again (happens a lot), and I finally was like, I cant take this, she's right, its always my fault, I cant do anything right. So I hurt myself...with a knife. And before I knew it, it was the end of the week, and I had 28 marks on me.

And on top of that, my girlfriend is bisexual, and im ok with that, im just not ok with her going out with other girls, and I made that clear. And shes been making little remarks when I say something. Like if she asks something like "do you think that girls pretty" I'll say "no, I dont find her attractive. Im pretty much only attracted to you, because I love you" she'd usually respond with "oh, I'd be attracted to other people, but you wont let me..." which hurts inside.

So for about week, I've jsut been telling her she deserves so much better, because she saw the cuts on my legs, and she said she wasnt mad, it just hurt her. And a year ago I promised her I wouldnt do that anymore, and I didnt for like a year, but now I did. So she says I broke a promise, and I hurt her, and stuff like that, because I didnt come to her for help.

And now she's telling me im a perfect guy, and things like that. How can I be perfect when I messed everything up, all at once? When I hurt myself, hurt her, put her through pain because of me, didnt tell her, I lost all her trust, she doesnt believe me with a lot of stuff now because she doesnt trust me anymore...

We've been going out for 2 years and a month, and I love her with all my heart. But I've been thinking about maybe breaking up...for her. Shes so amazing to me, and I just put her through hell. She deserves the best she can get, and thats not me. I hold her back, I hurt her, I lost her trust, I lied about cutting, I did so much, I messed up everything.

What should I do?

And thank you so much if you read this all, I know its long, im sorry. Just a lot on my mind and nobody to talk to...

Cutting is a really big deal and once it is already a habit for you no matter how long its been. But you will always resort to it when something happens. There really isn't anything you can do except talk about what on your mind. Thats what I had to do. when ever I feel like hurting myself I talk to someone,
And even though you don't know me you can always talk to me =D

hmm..well it sounds tough really..and like I know what you been thru..see I used to have that problem..I stopped for my own good..because I was conviced of it being so..and so should you..im sorry to hear that your going thru a hard time...your chic sounds like if shes the one not understanding u..no offense..it sounds to me that your a lil to hard on yourself...and it shouldnt be that way..one thing I didnt understand completly and if I did I'd give you more advice would be the whole...'I would be attracted to other people but you dont let me' thing she says to you..so yea..clear that for me..she needs to understand try talking to her..I know what its like having a parent like that..its very hard to handle..I know..and not wanting to lose a person that youve been w/ for two years..I ve been with my boyfriend for two years and two months..and one time he broke up with me for that reason..because I deserved better or whatever..but we got back to gether I told him that it was the worst thing that he could of decided that that was being selfish bc he didnt think of what I felt bc I really love him and he loves me...if you really love her and your convinced that she loves you..which is what love is about dont make that mistake..you'll end up hurtin more her more than you can imagine..and ya'll make it..just think..this hard time cant last forever...hope that helps..

I know it is, I really wanted to stop, I never wanted it to get so bad. I just couldnt take it anymore, I cant stand living in this house, all I ever do is get yelled at, and I try to do my best, I just couldnt take it, and thats what I turned too, and it got so bad so fast, I didnt know what to do. I was so scared, I didnt want to tell her, because I thought she'd get mad and go hurt herself, I was afraid. and when she did find out, the next day she hurt herself. and thats why I didnt want to tell her, but she got mad at me for not telling her, I just didnt know what to do, I was so scared. and I feel so bad if I talk to other people about stuff before I talk to her about it. so I had nobody, it was hard. and now I dont know what to do. I really love her, I dont want to end it. but she deserves so much better than me, im such a bad person, she deserves the best

okay but like I said..it sounds like shes being a lil too hard on you when she says its your fault..how old are you? look im 17 I went and still am going thru a lot of crap...to the point wehre I did that stuff at the age of 13 or 14...its an addiction..once you start you need it to feel better I know how that works..beleive me..so she might deserve better..but does she want better??? because htats what I tell my boyfriend..so what they say I deserve better..well guess what? I dont want any better..im happy with the man I got..and cuttin urself aint solving but the frustration you have..it doesnt take your problems away..keep that in mind..later on you will regret doing all that..beleive me..I still have scars after those years...and I regret it..people ask me what the f*ck happened? I dont know what to say..I regret it..

I dont feel like she is...its always my fault with those things..
im 16. I started when I was about 14, stopped because close people were hospitalized for cutting, and I just started again. but I stopped now, because she says if she sees another cut on me she'll be mad at me.
and to answer you about the whole 'I would be attracted to other people but you dont let me' thing. she's bisexual. and we've talked about it before, and she told me she wanted to explore and go out with girls and stuff, but I said no, thats cheating. but she said it wasnt since it was with another girl. but I said "no, if your in a relationship with me, I dont care if the person is a boy or a girl, if you go out with them its cheating". so thats why, I dont want her to go out with other people, so she sometimes makes comments about how I dont want her to do that. so I feel so much like im keeping her from being herself...like im holding her back, and I just want her to be happy.
I know cutting doesnt do anything...I was just scared, I didnt know what to do. and it wasnt like I could call somebody, it was like 4 in the morning. and once I started, I didnt know what to do, I didnt want to tell anybody because I was scared. and it just got worse and worse. but now I stopped, and things seem so bad. I ruined it all. she doesnt trust me anymore. she's the only person I need to trust me, and she doesnt. its so hard. I love her so much, but she could do so much better than this. all I do is hurt her, she doesnt deserve that.

okay..say its a coincidence..but I went to a hospital in west oaks..TWICE! people thought I was crazy because my first time I was sent there for cutting..second for overdose..I had a huge fight w/ my ma..I felt like I couldnt take it anymore..I wanted it all to end..and well no it didtn end I just ended blacking out..and waking up in the ER so yea..not much fun..then they watched my heart rate and me thru the night and they sent me straight over there..man ihated it! they told me that one more time and they would have to take me away from my parents..because I was a danger to myself and the ones around me...so imagine how I felt! I know how you were scared..bc I was scared to when I did that..but exploring another chic..yea I def agree w. you..that would b cheating unless you were like the rest of the guys who are like idc..go at it! you know? and your not..which is a real good think..but just bc she wants to explore other chicas dont mean its the end of hte world for her..so if she loves you..it wont bother her none..talk to her about those remarks how their hurtin you and stuff..its important to keep the communication open..

yeah I know that sucks, first hand. my brother cut himself, and got drunk and high a lot, and ran away all the time. my parents found out and yelled at him...so he went in his room and overdosed. luckily his friend called him before the pills took effect, and when he blacked out he was on the phone with his friend, so his friend called 911, and he's still alive. but he was sent away for years, and I never saw much of him. and it sucked. that pretty much started my depression. and my friend told me how horrible it is, so I never want to end up there.
yeah, its just I feel like I have nobody to turn to, she says I can always turn to her, but once she found out about it, she is sad a lot now, she hurt herself (once that I know of, hopefully no more), she cant sleep at night. how am I supposed to be able to turn to her with everything if it effects her that way. its hard.
I know, I hated the idea of it. I love her too much. she's my girl, I dont want her being with other people, I hate the thought of it. but im afraid that maybe by me not wanting it, she might just sneak behind my back and do it, or that she really wants to, and im not letting her, so its holding her back, and I really dont know what to do. we talk about it sometimes, but it usually just ends with one of us mad, and not wanting to talk about it anymore. it doesnt get us anywhere. and it doesnt make it any easier on me, I just want to get out of this place

well im sorry to hear that really..I dont know what to tell you bc I dont know what decision you'll take anyways..so all I can say is that maybe ya'll need a lil break thats if ya'll want it..see how that goes..and if not try talking to her if you think shes not strong enough to handle your reality, your truth..then dont tell her anymore..but that doesnt mean you should lie to her...she probably needs to mature a little more in ya'lls relationship..

Stop cutting yourself yadda yadda yada. Now I'm going to talk about what I want. You can't stop anyone - not even yourself from being attracted to people. You are a liar if you say you aren't attracted to someone else. Love doesn't stop you from being attracted to people, it stops you from acting on the attraction.