Is a short, intense affair better than nothing at all?

I have been married for six years. My wife has completely changed from when I first met her. She used to be a self-starting and energetic person, filled with positive energy and kindness.
Now, she has been out of work for three years. Not a big deal, because she wanted to be a stay at home mom/homemaker. However, the house is filthy. I am the only one that cleans any room in the house. She does laundry and makes dinner for the kids. I have a full time job and I am an adjunct faculty member at a local college. I'm working 60 hours a week AND cleaning AND helping the kids with homework AND maintaining the house. She spends three hours a day checking email, two hours watching TV, and sleeps the entire morning while the kids are at school. What's worse, she has become physically unattractive. She has gained 55 pounds, never wears anything remotely feminine, and often goes two days without showering. She wanted an exercise bike. I bought it, but it's now stored away because she never used it for anything more than a clothes rack.
Meanwhile, I work in an isolated environment, where I have little interaction with customers. I spend 24 hours a week with a single female co-worker, working on a particular project. She and I have worked together for five years, but we've become much closer in the last two years. We have many similar interests and we get along remarkably well. She takes care of herself and is very attractive to me. In the last year, we've become quite flirty around the workcenter. As I said, we're alone 24 hours a week, so we have almost no worries about being embarassed or discovered. In this time, we've become emotionally intimate. I sincerely love her, but we're careful about how far we let things go.
Due to an emergency data loss, we had to work on new year's eve. As the clock inched closer towards midnight, we joked about not having anyone to kiss at midnight. I suggested that a small little peck wouldn't harm anything between us, as she has kissed me on the cheek several times with no major upheavals. This time was to be different. We managed to fix the systems before midnight and after stabilizing everything, we were able to leave the center. We got to our cars at 1159 and joked while we counted down. At midnight, we stood quietly for a few seconds, just looking at each other. She said "aren't you going to kiss me?". I gently held the right side of her neck with my hand and leaned in for a quick kiss, but a small peck turned into a longer-than-expected kiss. After approximately 45 seconds of intense emotions and kissing, we parted and said good night.
Since that night, we have been careful to not repeat the kissing, as we both agreed that it wouldn't be appropriate at work. Last week, we finally got into our personal feelings. She is very attracted to me, but likes my wife and doesn't want to break apart our marriage. I've been honest about my feelings and told her that I too was very attracted to her, but wasn't in a position to strike out on my own.
I'm worried about leaving my kids with my unemployed, lazy wife. I don't want them to suffer because mommy refuses to provide for them. I also need to finish this project to complete my thesis work and I can't have my life fall apart in the last 3 months of a five year project.
For the moment, we're still very careful. However, we are very much in love. The infatuation period is long over, I truly love this woman and I would spend the rest of my life with her if it were possible.

My question is...
We talked about the possibility of an affair developing between us. I want objective advice from anyone willing to help me out... We'll be going separate ways when the project ends and I desperately want to have an affair over the next three months, but I know it's wrong to do that... She understood our time constraints and agreed that a short, but intense romance would be better than never knowing if it would have worked.

help me out!!!

An affair always ends with someone getting very hurt and feeling betrayed. Now in your case, you are only very very attracted to this women becos your wife has let herself slide, if your wife took care of herself and you found her gorgeous you would be content in your marriage and even tho you may still find this co worker attractive you wouldnt think of acting on it becos you would be satisfied with your wife.

Now the right thing to do here is to talk with your wife over how you feel about her and how she is chosing to live her life, and that you are not happy and do not agree with it at all. Then try and save your marriage becos you are married to this women, maybe go to marriage counselling together to work thru your issues and her issues, and see if you can save your marriage.

If it turns out you cannot saver anything left for this women then leave her! do not have an affair becos no one deserves that, if she found out she would be devistated. Leave so then you can pursue anything you want and anyone you want. But do not have an affair,it only leads to bad territory and a lot of hurt. Goodluck

Sounds to me like your wife is suffering from depression. The signs of it are all over your query. An affair or even your fantasizing about extramarital activity wouldn't help her at all. In fact, as Locoluna has pointed out it would be devistating to her. The "better or worse" part of your vows is looking on the worse side right now but if you two want to turn this arround it will take work on both parts. If you need some outside, professional help get it. But resist the temptation to take your frustrations out by using the gal at work. You have resisted this long, even if it would be excusable it wouldn't be right. Do the right thing and good luck. - - - Gino

In such a situation I would have made love with this woman 2 ys ago, and would have continued this till today. What I noticed in your letter is that you did not say a word about the life of this great woman.

Dear comosedice,
Your wife sounds like she is suffering from depression. You need to sit with her and discuss your concerns and advise her to see a doctor ASAP. She is your wife the mother of your children...do you not speak about your lives together? Do you not spend time discussing your future want and dreams? If you don't then perhaps now is the time to start. We are all faced with challenges in love, marriage, careers and just plain old life. The divorce rate is very high because we choose to turn our backs and run instead of remembering why we fell in love and why we vowed for better or worse. If you decide that you will go a head and have your fling then I would advice to end your marriage first...If you don't you will be intentionally hurting your wife and children. Yes intentionally....for you have not made all efforts as a husband and father. What a world it would be if we decided we didn't have t work at our relationships and we could have an affair with others we are attracted to...What goes around comes around.
Sue...good luck

thanks for your comments...

I know that having an affair would be wrong and I have held out this long, so doing so would be doubly wrong. I do have strong feelings for the other woman, but I am almost certain that it would only lead to negative consequences. or at least not be nearly as good as I think it would be.

I think it just helped to get it off my chest...
I haven't talked to anyone about this, so airing it out seems to have helped a little bit.

again, thanks for your input...

Ahhhh depression... If a stay at home partner suffers from depression, the other partner just suffers. If a working partner suffers from depression (using the same traits/signs referenced as the stay at home partner), they tend to become unemployed... Depression is often misdiagnosed by the "barroom psychiatrist". I'll bet she isn't depressed/lazy when it comes to things that are important to her, to the contrary, she will have boundless energy. At some point you will need to analize your relationship (hopefully before you decide to carry on with the co-worker). Counseling can help, if both you and your wife can agree to make life altering decisions recommended by said therapist prior to counseling. If not, you have some difficult decisions to make.
Best of luck....

Try to do something special with your wife, show her you appreciate her, if she refuses, and makes excuses to not want to go out.... leave, fight for you kids, and then think about a relationship with this other woman, but take it slow!

dude, I am in full support of you having an affair... tell your wife she needs to have an affair to.. it is very liberating and it brings spice back.. I promise it works!

Im a guy but let me say this: You should not cheat. It's simply a terrible thing to do to someone. I've been on the injured party end of an emotional affair and it is simply one of the worst things you can do to another person. Go check out the marriage builders site and review some of the infidelity videos and articles. Many women report infidelity as more painful to them than rape or assault. It will stay with your wife for years and erode what is left of her self-confidence and ability to be happy and move on.

You should think of your wife when she was younger and happier. Imagine giving that person a severe beating to the point where they will still be smarting for years to come. Its flat-out mean.

If you are a man, which your post suggests you are, you can afford to simply confess your feelings, file for divorce and move on with your life. Make it clear to your wife that you respected her (and the memory of the person you once loved) too much to have any kind of illicit affair. You owe it to her. You did take a vow... but empathy alone should be enough to stop you.